MAMMAHAYNES

Changes...

2009-12-16T08:15:00.004-06:00

I haven't posted anything on here in almost a year. Wow, I can't believe it has been that long. So much has changed. I have grown a lot and learned a lot this year.
Before I get into any of it, let me address what drew me here to write today in the first place.

Two years ago today my father had a heart attack. Right before it happened, I had come into the house with Ryan and Reagan and was having a conversation with my Dad about everything that had happened that weekend. My life as I knew it ( and everyone elses life who loved my Dad) was about to change. In the blink of an eye my dad was in the throws of a major heart attack. Everything else is a blur. I remember making my kids leave the room, the paramedics coming, and my dad looking so scared and in pain when they left with him. He went into full cardiac arrest in the ambulance. They lost a pulse on him for 45 minutes. The doctors were able to physically bring my dad back, but he wasn't the same. To me, I lost my dad that day. I never heard his voice again, saw his smile, or saw the look of pure unconditional love in his blue eyes for me. I miss him EVERY DAY. I think about him EVERY DAY. I wonder how different my life would be if he was still here. I still get very sad..sometimes at the most random times. Other times I know he would be very proud of me for some of the things I have accomplished. My dad was a teacher at heart and always made sure I knew that life was a walk filled with lessons, good and bad. I write about him today, not just because he had a heart attack two years ago, but to also share the things I have learned in life because of his death.

The first thing is to love... don't just love a little bit, love unconditionally, fully, and with all your heart. My dad wasn't perfect, was far from it, but he loved my mother with all of his heart. I loved seeing what he put in her stocking every Christmas, cause it was so thoughtful and planned out. There was usually a CD of her favorite country artist, a little piece of jewelry, perfume of her favorite scent, and then there was usually something silly in there too. Everything under the Chrismtas tree was to "Lou", his nickname for her. My mom would get SOOOO angry when the Dillard's bill would come in January, but my dad couldn't help it. He loved to spoil her. The love her had for her taught me how to love. After he passed, I promised myself that I would not love out of convenience, guilt, etc... I would love someone because my heart and soul loves them just as much as my dad loved my mother.

Second, I learned to let the little things go. My dad was the kind of man who would get angry and ignore you for days. As a teenager this drove me CRAZY. As an adult I learned that this was his way of letting the little things go. When I look back I realize that my dad never got angry over the small things. He got angry because I wrecked my car...yet again, that I had a party while he was on vacation with my mom, you know...big things. He always let me know with his , "look" that he was irritated if I did something small...like wait til the last minute to do a paper, or "forget" to clean my room, but he knew that a look was all it would take. As an adult I am bad about focusing on the little things. I feel like I have to do everything perfect, and that I expect my kids to do them perfect as well. There are times when I have to think, "what would my dad do? ". Okay...there are a LOT of times when I have to ask myself, "What would my dad do".

The last thing I would have to say I have learned is that time is precious. You never know when you will be talking to someone for the last time. You never know when someone might disappear from your life. Enjoy your time with the people you love in your life. Take 10 minutes a day to talk to your parents. Stop and listen to your kids when they are telling you a story, b/c to them it is the most important thing that happened in their day. Hold the one you love, cuddle your children, and let everyone who matters know. Surround yourself with love, give it, receive it, cherish it. It is not always there tomorrow.

I miss my dad sometimes til it physically hurts. When I talk about him or think about him, it is still hard not to cry. Like I said, I wrote this today so that when you read this, you think about how precious life is and not to take one single thing for granted.

Now....on to what has happened with me the past year. I will try to give you the short version as i have rambled on and on already.

Hmmm, well 2008 was a challenge for me to say the least. I found love, lost it, and then found it again. Keith moved back to Houston in March of this year. He also moved in with me. It has been a learning experience for both of us. We both have different ways of doing things, as most couples do, and are still try to mesh all of that together. Over the past 8 months I have gotten to know his family, and can honestly say that they have made me feel like I belong there. His mom is an amazing woman, so now I am lucky enough to have my mom ( who would go to the ends of the earth for me and my kids) and now I have Charlene in my life. I have so much to learn from both of these women. We have also been lucky enough to spend a lot of time with all our kids ( Cam, Rae, and Ryan ). There is a learning curve there as well!! I think I am at my happiest when I wake up on a Sunday morning knowing that everyone is there under one roof. Keith and I built and bought a house as well. We moved about two weeks ago. Yes, there are still boxes left unpack. We put up a huge 9 ft christmas tree and are looking forward to having a fantastic Christmas at our house. I love Keith more than there are words for, and I hope that 2010 brings nothing but good things for us.

Okay...now that you have read this for 30 minutes, I will say sorry for being absent, but maybe now that things are settling down a bit that I will be able to post more on here.

Happy Holidays!!

A year has come and gone...

2009-01-07T14:02:00.001-06:00

A year has come and gone since my dad passed away. I am not the same person I was on January 7, 2008. How could I be? I have dreaded this day for the past year. As the 7th of every month passed I shed tears for him. A lot of them were tears of anger, tears of frustration and tears of complete sorrow. I grieved in silence and rarely did I let on how hurt and devastated I was...am. Only a few people in my life have seen the pain that his death caused. Today when I woke up.. it was different. Am I still sad, sorrowful, grieving??? Of course. Am I still angry, frustrated, and devastated? Not as much. I will be honest and admit that most of my anger was towards God for taking my father away from me. I was angry that my children wouldn't have more time with him and I was angry that he wouldn't be there with me, my mom, my family. Somewhere along the way the anger faded and I started to believe and trust in God again. I know with all my heart that not only is God with me every second of the day, but so is my dad. He is with me, my sisters, my mother, my children, their children, and with everyone else who he loved in life. How can I be angry about that?
Instead of crying and writing about how much I miss him ( which I do...I terribly!!) I am going to add one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems. ( and I have probably quoted this before on this blog...but it IS one of my favorites and my dad introduced me to Emily Dickinson, so it is only appropriate)

"Hope" is the thing with feathers --
That perches in the soul --
And sings the tune without the words --
And never stops -- at all --

And sweetest -- in the Gale -- is heard --
And sore must be the storm --
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm --

I've heard it in the chillest land --
And on the strangest Sea --
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb -- of Me.

If you don't feel like taking time to really figure out what the poem is about, let me help you out. Emily Dickson is saying that on the brightest of days and in the darkest of nights, hope does not go away. Hope doesn't ask anything of you, it doesn't take anything of you, but instead is constant. Hope... the promise that things do get better, life goes on, and happiness is ahead. I didn't have a lot of hope during this year, at least I didn't look for it. It was there...is there, and it is there for everyone. Knowing that my dad is looking out for me has given me hope. Knowing that my dad will guide me towards happiness and success, that has given me hope. Even through his death and my families greatest loss, he leaves us with hope. We just have to open our eyes and our hearts and believe in that hope.

A year has come and gone and finally I have hope. Thank you dad and remember, I will always love you and I will always be your little girl.

Funny how life works...

2008-12-17T15:45:00.003-06:00

So yesterday I posted about how sad I was about not having my dad here with me. I was in tears for hours last night, missing him and wanting him to be there with me. My faith was reaffirmed today. Let me explain a little:
I have been trying to find a house..a home...for me and my kids for the past month. It seems that every time I found something that I "loved" , something would happen and I would be turned down. My credit wasn't good enough, my employment at my work wasn't long enough ( only been here since April ), and I could go on and on. Anyway, I had given up hope. I was frustrated !! I was sooo down on myself because what kind of mother am I if I can't even find a place for me and my kids to live? I made plans to put all my stuff in storage and go stay with my mom for awhile. I had literally given up. One of my friends Lacie had always told me, "God will never give you more than you can handle", man on man... I had reached my breaking point the other night. Finally, I did the only thing I knew to do... I gave it all up to him. I admitted that I had been trying to "make" my life into what I WANTED, not what he intends for me. I told him that I had faith that he would send me a home, that he would heal my broken heart, and that he would give me the strength to face it all. As I said yesterday, it was the one year anniversary of my father's heart attack. I had an appointment to go look at a house, but I wasn't getting my hopes up. In fact, I didn't really even like what I saw in the pictures. The house is in the neighborhood that I wanted, so I figured I would go see it anyway. The owner of the house is the representing agent. She was there, with her two children. She has two girls, who are 25 months apart in age ( same difference as Rae and Ry), and she had such a warm heart. I could feel the warmth of the house. A family lived there. The rooms had toys in them, the carpet had a few stains, and the walls were even colored on. The owner reassured me that all the carpets would be professionally cleaned as well as the entire house, all the walls would be painted.. and as an extra blessing she told me she would leave her washer, dryer, and fridge for me if I needed it. Where did this angel come from? I apologized for my credit and told her my mom was willing to be a co-applicant. She simply told me that wasn't necessary, that she would lease the house to me in my name only and that she had a good feeling about me. She said she could tell I was a good person. In my heart of hearts, I knew that God and my dad had brought me to my future home. My father's led me by the hand to this house.. on yesterday of all days. As luck would have it, she approved the application, signed the lease, and in three weeks I will be living in my new house. I truly believe that God is laying my intended path in front of me. This wasn't the "best" house that I saw and it wasn't my "favorite" house that I saw, but this house is better. It is my new "home".
Now, don't think I am all fine and dandy and smiling and full of woo hoo's about life. It is going to take some time, and the only thing that I DO know right now is that I have put it all into God's hands. I will keep my eyes open and whatever he intends for me... well, I guess I am finally ready for it.

I might write more on this tonight...not sure, but for now, I just think it is really funny how life works....

A year ago....

2008-12-16T21:05:00.008-06:00

A year ago my Dad had a heart attack. I watched it. My children watched it. The doctors were able to restart his heart but my DAD never returned to us.. in reality, a year ago I lost my father. I kept busy today. I went and looked at another house, I edited some pictures for a friend, and I packed up my apartment with my mom. A year ago my dad had a heart attack...and I miss him. I have dreaded this day for the past 364 days. I knew it would come, and I know it will go. Tonight as I got out of the shower I sat down on my bed and I allowed myself to remember the last few moments I had with him. He was talking to Ryan about the new Boston Red Sox hat that he had just got the night before. Reagan was so excited to see Pepa ( the kids had been with me at Keith's that Saturday night ) so she was trying to get every word in that she could. I won't go into the rest of my memories from that day... they aren't fun ones, or good ones really. I don't let myself think about that day, but tonight... I guess I just had to. A year ago my dad had a heart attack. I lost one of my best friends. I lost the man who could steer me in the right direction and always keep me on the path of life. Without him this year I have gotten so lost..and for him, for me, for my kids, I am fighting as hard as I can to find my way back. I cry for him tonight, and I shed tears from deep in my heart... a heart of girl who misses her daddy. I cry for my mom, who misses him more and more every day. I cry for my children, who I hope never forget his amazing memory. I cry for myself, who is in reality still his baby girl.

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. ~Enid Bagnold

A year ago my dad had a heart attack. He may be gone, but I will forever be his baby girl.

This is my world...

2008-12-15T19:52:00.007-06:00

Someone just said that on the television as I was thinking of a title for this post. With all the shit going on right now, that pretty much chalks it up... "this is my world". I say that, yet it is so odd how I sometimes feel like an outsider looking in on my world. I feel like my "world" is always about to spin off its axis. ( oooh, yes..Jill remembered something from science!! ). I am not saying that is always a bad thing, but even when good things sometimes happen, its hard for me make sense of them. I have so much going on right now and as an adult I don't have any choice but to deal with every issue at hand. I could turn my back, run away, and try to find an "easy fix"...but in the end, it wouldn't fix anything would it? A girl that I work with told me today... " No matter where you go...there you are. " Now, if you know me, you know that I have an obsession with quotes... I heart them. Anyway.. so take a second and think about what that means.. "No matter where you go...there you are." Basically, running to another place, house, person... it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't make problems go away, and it most definitely does not allow you to escape the one thing that most people run from...themselves. You see, we have one life...one shot at happiness and one shot to find a way to make life worth waking up every morning happy to be where you are. Its up to each person to figure out what truly makes them happy. I don't think its one thing for each person, but a mix of all the little things. A heart full of love, a house full of laughter, a future worth looking forward to, and for most....someone to share it all with.

"Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who's struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you."

When I heard this the first time, it brought tears to my eyes. The past few months have left me feeling very alone in this world of mine. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo thankful for my children, friends, and my family. I do realize how lucky I am to have all those amazing people in my life. However.. there is something missing.. the one that helps me hear the music, the one that is out there, and the one that I wait patiently for to find me or maybe even return to me.

So, yes, this is my world. Sometimes sad, sometimes full of laughter, sometimes ridden with anger, sometimes flooded with tears... this is my world. I am ready to add hope and music back into my world... a world that one day might not just be my "my world", but an "our world".

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

2008-12-13T12:11:00.003-06:00

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

That is my favorite quote from the twilight movie. I have seen this movie about 4-5 times now. ( thanks to www.watch-movies.net ) The movie does NOT do justice to the book, however, it is still a decent movie. ( in a low budget, not so great actors kind of way) Anyway, so that quote, what does it really mean? "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." I think it all boils down to one of the basic laws of attraction... opposites attract. At least to a certain point..okay, let me explain. If you have read the books, you know that as the love between Edward and Bella grows, so does their similarities. I don't think it is that either one really changed, but that their love connected them so much, that you start looking at them as "Edward and Bella" not "Edward" and "Bella". There are days when I miss Keith so much... missing the feeling of that "connection" and missing "Jill and Keith". Maybe that is why I have seen twilight so many times... that for 2 hours I can watch that movie and I can feel that connection and love again as I watch "Edward and Bella"... brings back good "Jill and Keith" memories. I will forever love the part in the movie as Edward whispers, " And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..."

*** I wanted to add, that this post is not all about me boo hoo'ing over Keith, so don't take it that way. It is that I was lucky enough in life to experience "that" connection. Keith and I are not together, but I do have my memories, and if there is something out there that can take away the daily anger, hurt, and confusion about that part of my life and replace it with that "Jill and Keith" feeling for a few hours...then so be it. I won't apologize for it. ***

And thus it has begun ....

2008-12-11T13:47:00.004-06:00

Ahhhh, the Christmas parties have now begun...well, officially they start tonight. You might ask...what is tonight?? Let me tell you, tonight is our 2nd annual Christmas "girls night out"... This includes two of my great friends Tami and Allison. This year we are adding a little trouble to the mix and Sash is going to join in the fun. Trouble and Fun... the best combination EVER!! If I remember correctly I did NOT make it to work the day after last year's night out. ( this really should surprise no one...) Anyway, we are starting our night out at Nortons ( one of our favorite new happy hour spots, it's where the old Taco Milagro used to be. ) and everyone has to bring a 15$ gift, something good, not something that you would throw in a "Big Giant Box of Crap" ( ha ha...ONLY my GR girlies are going to get that ! ). Anyway, the gift exchange ensues...as does the fun of the night. There is one issue that is presenting itself a problem this year... ( except the having to work the next day thingy). Anyway, the problem I see is this... IT IS FREAKIN COLD PEOPLE !! We are talking 30's... I guess I should be thankful the sleet and snow was last night..ha, cause me driving on frozen roads is not a sight that even I would want to see!! So... it's cold which means everyone has to bundle up. I don't mind bundling up, but if I am going to go out, I at least want to make sure I am looking nice ya know? I guess I will be looking for my "looking hot" warmest sweater when I get home. ( oh but on another note...you and I both know, that there is going to be that ONE group of girls there that still have on the tube tops, halters, and semi-there clothing with their boobage all hanging out ( you know the 23 or 24 yr olds who are trying to get the attention of the older guys in the bar...sigh, they will learn their lesson in about 4-5 years huh?...these will be the girls that we proceed to make fun of all night long..especially after the third or fourth drink!! ). If you have made it through all of this, then I have pretty much covered the Thursday night plans. Friday night..on jeez, I don't know where to start. I'll tell ya what, I will save tomorrow's plans for tomorrow, and as an added bonus I will post the hilarities and outtakes of tonight. ( this will usually include Ashley falling one point during the night and one "self portrait" that I always take in the restroom) And thus it has begun....

Tucking in clean little kiddos...

2008-12-10T20:08:00.004-06:00

I love the end of the day when I tuck Ry and Rae in bed. Tonight was a crazy night especially. If you didn't read my previous post..it is snowing here, which means it is cold and wet!!! Now, as much as I love snow, the cold sleet stuff... well, I could do without that! If you know anything about me, you know that I HATE to be cold. (this is where I would benefit from the great Snuggie that I so often speak of). Sorry, got sidetracked thinking of the great Snuggie... Anyway, so Ry and I get into a massive fight where I was sooo tempted to send that little boy to bed at 6:00 tonight with NO dinner. We finally made up ( ha ha...funny I have to make up with a 7.5 yr old ! ) and I fixed them dinner. Ummm, Macaroni & Cheese, and Broccoli constitutes as me cooking right? ( even though it was all microwavable stuff...??? ) Throughout the evening I have been doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, bathrooms, etc... Oh and I am seriously going to kill me two kitties !!! Even the kids were asking me to get rid of them. They are seriously possessed!!! So, in 3 hours I have cooked, cleaned, fought with kids, had them take showers ( school pictures are tomorrow..tender), and now they are in BED !!! God bless 8 oclock !! As for me, I am watching some One Tree Hill ( started over with Season 1 last night) and drinking a Bud Light Lime. Oh and for anyone wondering...this is my typical night. Now you can understand why I LOVE thursdays !!!! ( kids go to their dads on Thursday nights for those that don't know)

It's Snowing....

2008-12-10T16:33:00.006-06:00

It's snowing here in Houston !!! I actually saw REAL snowflakes. I was bummed my battery was dead in my camera when I went to take pictures. I tried to snap a couple on my blackberry, but they really don't do it justice. I will however send them to my facebook just for the hell of it. Snow...I haven't seen snow in years. About three years ago it snowed on Christmas Eve...just a few snowflakes though, nothing like this. Snow means something more to me now. Every time it rains I think of my Dad, why you might ask...? Well, as crazy as this sounds, from the day my dad passed away, whenever I talk to him, am having a rough day and wonder if he is by my side, or when something really good and exciting happens...it rains. I can look back to so many moments over the past year...and the rain has always accompanied my father's memories. Today has been an especially rough day, one that has not been easy, in fact one of the hardest days of my life. Just when I feel my chest getting tight and the tears welling up, I go outside... and it is snowing. My dad needed me to know that on today of all days, he was here with me. ( at least that is how I would like to look at this tiny little miracle here in Houston, Texas ) Thank you Dad !!

"Just Friends"

2008-12-09T20:56:00.002-06:00

For the past month I have been trying to be "just friends" with someone that I once loved. It has got to rank amongst the top 5 craptastic months I have lived through. I now believe what people say..."It is easy for friends to become lovers, but not for lovers to become friends." I have learned that you can't make the feelings in your heart and soul change from "I love you" to "hey buddy". I have learned that it just might be easier to walk away, at least then I don't have to say either. I only have to merely say, "Good Bye".

okay okay...

2008-12-02T20:35:00.002-06:00

Okay,I got a few emails asking for these to be posted...

Here ya go....

Two months..

2008-12-02T19:34:00.002-06:00

Its been two months since I posted a blog. I read through my last post and I cried. I was so broken and so sad and so lost. Some things have changed...some things have not.

My heart is still broken and I have learned that broken hearts take time to heal. Actually I am not sure if you ever heal from a broken heart... I think you just learn to live with it. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and before you know, you have become accustomed to living with a broken heart. I am still sad, but my friends, family, and kids give me something to be happy about and smile about on a daily basis. As for being lost, I guess you can say I am creating my own path out of the woods. It might not be the path that was intended for me, but it is MY path.
Let me make some sense of all of this...

Keith is still is in my life, and I hope he always is but its different now. He let me go and in turn I did the same. I guess that is what you do with someone you love...at least that's what I was told. I have secret wishes and hopes for us and if they are meant to be then one day..... well, we will have to see if that one day ever happens.

As for me and the kids, we are good... really good actually. We have had some ups and downs, but at the end of every day, they are my babies and I am their mother... it really is as simple and true as that. Nothing much more needs to be said. Oh and here is our Christmas card this year!!

My friends...where do I start?? My friends have been the ones who have literally put me back together through all of this. ( and by friends...I also include my mom who has been a best friend to me... ) There were days where I didn't know if the tears would stop flowing...and they wiped my tears and they held my hand, and they helped me get through those difficult days. Jen, Teresa, Ashley, Lacie, my mom... they were my rocks.

As for my path..well, it's slowly coming together. The kids and I are moving into a house in a few weeks. We are moving back to the Klein area, back to where my friends are, and their friends are. I am excited, scared, nervous, etc... This means I am here, in houston, awake and aware and ready for life. I've been lost for the past few months and it feels good to finally see a little bit of light.

There is a long way to go. If anyone has the magic potion for healing a broken heart, let me know. Until then, I will let the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months....

Sleep and a few other random things...

2008-10-02T10:35:00.003-05:00

I used to be a horrible sleeper, well I guess I still am sometimes. It got so bad at one point that no matter how exhausted I was, I had to take a sleeping pill to sleep. I am trying to figure out when all that changed. Before, it was like I was afraid to sleep. I was afraid I would miss something. Keith was there, and he was always steadily breathing beside me. I could hear his breaths slow down and accelerate as he dreamed. I didn't want to sleep, I would miss time, precious time with him. Now that he is gone, I escape to sleep. I yearn to close my eyes and drift off to where I can dream of being happy, with him beside me again. When I dream now, it isn't off and on. I sleep for hours upon hours, never waking from him. When the morning comes I close my eyes tight trying to get back to him, knowing that it isn't going to happen. So, I get up and start my day. I go through the motions, and yes, I laugh, I smile, ( I do have my friends, family, and children who fill my days with support and love )I love, and I live my life. At the end of the day when all those things are silent and as I lay down on my pillow ( the one that used to smell of him, but has lost his scent over the weeks) all I wish is for sleep to overtake me yet again.

I know everyone is probably sick and tired of reading about this...hell, try living it. So, I am going to add a few little snippets about other things in life.
First off, I can't believe it is October. That brings on the dreaded halloween costume shopping nightmare. I am not sure what to do this year. Last year halloween fell on a night that Chris had the kids..well, the same thing applies this year. I HATE missing Halloween with them. Reagan wants to be an angel...am I the ONLY person that sees a problem with this? Personally I think she would make an adorable little puppy or something like that. Ryan wants to be some random Star Wars something or other ( all I have to say is that my son will NOT be a Trekee or whatever it is they call those star wars freak). We will see what they really end up being. School is going good for them. Ryan is doing well and Rae...well Rae is having talking too much issues, but did we expect any different really?

I am 99.9% positive that I am going to be moving into a house ( wink wink Lacie ) in the middle of December. The kids will love it. They will have sooo much more room, a backyard, etc. I am excited for that as well.

So, that is about it..for now, for this hour. If any other "life changes" occur I will be sure to update. It is Thursday, so at least the weekend is coming up. I NEED a weekend to sleep late and relax, but then again, don't we all ??

Twilight

2008-10-01T10:56:00.004-05:00

Okay, I jumped on the band wagon and started reading these books... no don't worry my WHOLE post isn't going to be about the books specifically.. don't worry !! So, yes I started reading the series and am almost done with book 4 ( Breaking Dawn ). 4 books in 4 days..not too bad huh? So, anyone who knows me knows what an emotional roller coaster I have been on. My friends and family have seen me up and down, hopeful, then full of dispair. I think these books helped me relate in so many ways.

I have come to the conclusion that Keith is my Edward. He is my "heroin of choice" so to speak. He is the one I can't explain why I am connected to him, why I can't ever let him go, and why I love him so much. I understood Bella's pain when she said there was a hole in her and that you can find things to ignore that empty feeling and you surround yourself with daily routine, but when night time comes and everything is quiet, it is the worst feeling in the world. The sad thing is that Edward comes back to her, he realizes that he can't live without her and that they needed eachother. I don't think my fairy tell is going to end like that. I know my life isn't a book, but still, it put words to what i was feeling. It was...refreshing actually.. as much as it hurt, it was refreshing to see on paper the pain that I can't explain. I also empathize with her when she explains that she never took a real breath.. a full breath during the time he was gone. Oh, what I would give to be able to breathe the way that I do with him. However, Keith is not here. He is gone and he will probably NEVER realize what he really truly means to me. Maybe one day he will understand, maybe one day he will meet the person that completes everything he is, maybe I am that person. That is not for me to decide.

So, just like Bella people told her to move on, to be happy. She did find things that made her happy, made her laugh, and made her forget her pain for awhile, but it never made her forget Edward. Once alone, everything came rushing back. Oh, how I relate to it all. I know what its like to be safe from the world in someone's arms. I know what its like to dream so vividly about a person that you don't want to wake up, unless he is laying there beside you. Every emotion she felt, I understand.

I am not ready to "move on" and "be happy" like everyone is telling me to. I can't because it would be lying to myself. If it means being with just myself, then that is what it will be. I can't imagine having another person walk in my life and ever making me love the way that I loved Keith. Maybe it is a matter of time, they say time heals all wounds.... I just don't have the answers and I really am not looking for them right now. I am just living, day by day, dreading the nights when I am alone, but welcoming sleep so I can be with him again.

What I am worth....

2008-09-11T18:32:00.003-05:00

I have had a lot of friends tell me that I need to take a good hard look at what I really think I am worth. That is hard for me. If you have known me any length of time, you know that I can't stand that self evaluation bull shit. However, I think it is time for me to finally do it and really come to the realization of what I am worth.

In this so called self reflection I am going to run into a lot of obstacles. I am not perfect and have made a lot of mistakes in life. I have hurt people and walked out of a lot of peoples lives. I didn't do these things on purpose but when I get hurt or scared I run. It is easier to look away, gather my things so to speak ( in a philosophical way of thinking), and head for the door. Why deal with pain? Why deal with being hurt? Well, for the first time in my life I am in the midst of feeling pain and dealing with a lot of hurt. I have allowed myself to get on a roller coaster that is ultimately going to throw me off. Why have I taken this ride? I am not sure, but I think it is because I am afraid that walking away is going to hurt more than staying. With all that being said there are a few things that I KNOW I deserve..hell any person deserves this.

-I deserve open communication. I am 29 yrs old and in an adult relationship the lines of communication has to be open. I don't deserve to be ignored or shunned. If I am willing to open myself up then the other person has to as well.

- I deserve respect. I am who I am. I worry about random things, I make dumb comments at times, and I have days where I might be a little needy. However, when I love I love with my whole heart, I will be there in good times and bad, and I will do anything for you.

- I deserve love. I deserve love, real love. Not the kind of love you turn off and on. I deserve a love that constant and never ending. I deserve a love that doesn't hurt and that isn't used against me. When I give love it is with no bounds. I won't say I will love you but... there is no "buts" in love. There are no exceptions or 2nd best. One sided love is not fair and I won't do it.

-I deserve happiness. I honestly truly deserve to be happy. Everyone does, even the people in this world who I despise the most...they deserve to be happy too. No matter how much pain a person might go through...hopefully happiness is in the end. I don't deserve to be made unhappy. I deserve to be happy and to make someone happy and to have them make me happy. I don't deserve to cry wanting something that someone else doesn't want. That is not happiness.

So there ya go, my self-reflection and my self worth. Do I believe in it yet...no probably not...should I...yes. I am hoping that I can find the strength to believe in my self worth and finally be able to have the things in my life I deserve...that everyone deserves.

I am back....

2008-09-10T09:52:00.005-05:00

I can't believe it has been three and a half months since my last post. So much has happened in my life, good and bad I guess. I am not sure even where to begin.

My summer was a roller coaster. There are nights from this summer that will stay with me forever... vegas nights, 4th of July fireworks, shooting stars, trips to Midland, and so much more. It will be a summer that I will never forget for the rest of my life.
I was alive this summer. I laughed, I smiled, and I loved from the tips of my toes to the end of my nose. The nights were long and the days were filled with happiness. My memories from this summer are priceless and I will never forget my summer of 2008.

Now that summer is over life is getting back to normal. Ryan and Reagan are back in school. They are loving their new school. Can you believe Rae is in Kindy, cause I sure as hell can't. I am so proud of them though. Poor kids have been through so much this past year, yet they are both happy and full of life still. If only I could be as strong as they are...so resilient and brave. They are not the quiet and self-reserved kind of children. They never have been and I really don't want them to be. I want everyone in their life to love them for who they are, not who they want them to be. This is a huge life lesson I have learned this summer as well. Ry and Rae are my children, and I am their Mother. It is up to me to surround them with loving and amazing people. I just can't wait to see how much they change and grow in the next year.

As for me, I am doing okay...well, as good as I can be. I have had a lot of obstacles this year and hell, I am still on a road filled with road blocks, but I know that will only lead me to destination of happiness. I have learned that I can love someone down to my core and I have learned that I am deserving of a love like that. I have learned what it feels like to know that anger does not have to be a part of my life, and that laughter and happiness can fill it instead. I have also come to accept that not all loves are meant to last and that you have to let some loves go to see if they come back to you. I have gotten to experience loving someone so much that I can't breathe at times. I know what it is like to be in a person's arms and feel safe and secure, but I also found out what it is like to not have those arms around you all the time. I have learned what a broken heart feels like and that it is one of the worst pains I have ever felt. I also have felt hope and having faith that true love will conquer all. Above all I have learned that it is okay to be sad over telling someone goodbye, and it is okay to hurt, and it is okay to be weak at times. I have learned that it is okay to love someone as much as you possibly can.

The next few months are going to be my journey. I have changed so much in the past year and I hope that with these changes my life will turn into everything good intended for me. I know my friends and family will always be there for me and that they love me unconditionally.

Name Change...

2008-05-23T14:56:00.002-05:00

Well, the "Heineken take me away" is most likely "going away". Why you might ask...well, because I don't need Heineken to take me away anymore. I don't need anything to. I can finaally say that I am content and happy to be where I am at. Why should I want something to take me away from it?

Okay, let me explain as I am sure you are asking yourself, "why in the hell is Jill using all these philisophical play on words???".
Well, first I am excited to say that I am finally on my own. I have my own place, my own bed, my own everything! I get to decide where I put things and how I decorate. Last night I was all alone unpacking listening to some CD's and I realized that I could do any darn thing I wanted to do. I love it. Now, with that being said I am sure you are asking well, what about Keith? Of course Keith is going to be there a lot, and yes he will have input in everything involving the place, but it is my place until the day that my place or whatever place it is becomes our place. Then he can tell me how he likes his towels folded. Until then, I will fold them the way my momma taught me !! ha ha

Okay, so a few updates-
1. I got my new place ( already covered above)
2. I am love love loving my new job!! I get to work with one of my best friends, but we don't work "together" persay, so the dangerous "friends working with friends" territory isn't really being invaded.
3. I am going to Vegas next weekend. Yea, I have never been. Hell, I haven't had a vacation since I was like 19 years old. It is about time!! I plan on being that person that walks by a slot machine, puts in my dollar and wins 45K on the spot. Now, don't go and tell me that's not going to happen. Don't crush my vegas dreams..it's gonna happen.
4. Rae graduated pre-K. I always say that I am sooo ready to get little miss diva in school, but seriously, I cried like a baby. She was sooo cute. She walked up to the microphone and said, " My name is Reagan, and when I grow up I want to groom dogs"... she hasn't changed a bit that girl!

Well, it is time for weekend and I am off to the Astros game. Look for a name change on here VERY soon!!

Slowly but surely....

2008-04-27T13:25:00.002-05:00

Slowly but surely things are looking up.
There have been quite a few changes in my life, and so far they pretty much on the positive side.

First, the divorce is finally final. Wow, it has been 7 months in the making. In the long run, it was all done amicably and hopefully things will continue going this smooth. It is best for the kids. Chris is happy, I am happy, so now it is a matter of raising two children in two different homes. I think it can happen with a positive outcome though.

Second, I got a new job!!! I am working in The Woodlands, and I am loving it so far. Starting new jobs is always nerve wracking, but I think in the end this is going to be a great career move.

Third, I am preparing to move out of my mom's house. She has been an angel in disguise through all of this, but it is time. I need my own place to call my own. I need to turn out the lights every night knowing that I am sleeping in my bed, with all of my own stuff. I think I am going to get an apartment for the next 6-7 months. Once that lease is up then I will make my next move..into a house.

Fourth, things are still going great with Keith. He has taught me to relax and let things happen as they happen and not worry about the outcome...basically to enjoy life as you are living it. Truthfully I couldn't imagine him not being in my life. It's just...well good and I am happy.

Fifth, the last and final thing is that I have developed the worst case of insomnia. I go days with having 3-4 hours of sleep a night and then will finally get about 6 hours...I need to figure out something to help on that one. It wears a person out I tell you.

Those are my updates. I have some new pics and I will post those as soon as I have a chance!!

Yesterday was hard....

2008-03-18T07:27:00.003-05:00

Yesterday sucked!!! I can't really explain or describe it. I woke up in an okay mood. It should have been a really good day. Yesterday was the 17th which means that Keith and I have been officially together for 4 months. ( when we decided that we were going to be together exclusively and not date anyone else). It seems like a lot longer, but yea...4 months. Okay, so that should have made for a good day right???? WRONG!! Read on....

I ask my boss for a meeting to talk to her about the company. We were told about 3 weeks ago that the company was closing, but that a few of us were staying a couple weeks longer to help out. I started looking for a job, going on interviews, etc... Long story short, I found out the company ISN'T closing and that if I find a new job and quit I wont get my severence. They haven't given me a last day and ugh...the whole thing is really jacked up!! So I am stressed about finding a new job and my boss and I are not getting along. She said she would be concerned about keeping me because of the days that I miss. I looked at her and said, "I have kids, and they get sick." I told her not to punish me because I have kids and have to take off for their stuff, and my own personal medical things. I walked out of there in tears and didn't talk to her the rest of the day.

On days like yesterday I miss my Dad sooooooo much. Yesterday all I wanted was to sit on the deck with him, have a beer and talk to him....but I can't do that. Things are supposed to get easier, but right now they are pretty hard. Sunday is Easter. This is the first Easter without my dad and I do not have the kids.( well they come back Sunday night so if I need to do an inside easter egg hunt then so be it !!!! ) This is the first easter where we are not having a family barbeque and egg hunt. I am not sure what is happening to my family. The dynamics have changed and I have a feeling that nothing will ever be the same again. I don't forsee anymore deck parties with roll-ups being made, adult easter egg hunts, fourth of july blowouts, kids swinging on the tire swing, and family laughter. That hurts so much to think about that. Things are different now. They are different with me, my mom, my sisters...everything. I used to turn to them when things in life were hard, but I can't anymore. I still love them to death, but I know that things aren't the same so it makes me turn away.

As for dealing with this...well poor Keith gets the brunt of it. Last night when he saw me he took one look and knew that something was wrong. I just told him I had a bad day. ( he already knew about the stuff with work and everything ) Then as we were going to sleep I just broke down crying that I missed my Dad, the family get togethers, everything... As he wiped my tears he told me that even though things aren't the same, that my family and I will find a way to make new traditions and to come together again, and that right now we were all still trying to heal. He said that we would make our own traditions as well. I don't know if I could love him anymore. I am so thankful and grateful that he is the person that he is. As I fell asleep last night he just kept telling me that everything was going to be okay and that today would be easier. I hope he is right.

So...yesterday was hard. It was hard in ALL aspects. Today should be better. Yes, work is still going to suck, but I can deal with it. I got Keith tickets to the Rockets vs. Celtics game for his b-day. When I got them I didn't realize that the Rockets would be on a 22 winning game streak. We have 7th row seats in the risers behind the basket. Yep, it should be an amazing game tonight. I think I am going to be able to land 2 more tickets and if that is the case then Keith's parents get to come with us. I need a night to throw back a few beers, laugh, and see my H-Town boys beat Boston. I am hoping to take pictures. If that is the case then I will post them on here. Mcgrady and Alston better give Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett a run for their money tonight !! ( yes I actually know some of the players names now...thanks to a certain person..ha ha) So, even though yesterday was hard, it was just a day and hopefully today will be better.

Bored as hell...

2008-02-28T12:15:00.004-06:00

I am at work, on my lunch hour and bored as I can be. I should be productive and working and today I am not. Oh, nothing is wrong, in fact everything is pretty darn good today, except the face that I don't want to be here at work.

After work I am going to get my hair rehighlighted and my nails refilled. I am not even looking forward to this, probably because I am so tired. I think I toss and turn 5 nights out of the week. I am the worst sleeper I know. I am looking forward to sitting on the couch and going to bed early tonight.

It is going to be a looonnnnggg weekend. It is Keith's 30th b-day, and we know you only turn 30 once! He decided to head up to Dallas a day before me. So, tonight is boy's night. I have NO clue where they will go and what they will do. Ha ha...I probably don't want to know. I think I will take one of my Advil PM's, crash early and not think about it! No really, he will have a blast. Saturday is his real birthday. We will be celebrating Friday and Saturday night. ( I personally can't wait to give him his present !!! He will be soooo excited! ) I am sure that means sleeping for a good part of Saturday and Sunday. ( well until we have to come home ). Ohh... another good thing..Keith got a job here in Houston this week!! Yay!! We are so excited. It is an awesome job with a BIG company and could potentially open a lot of doors for him. This job just kind of fell at our feet right as Keith moved down here. He persued it, and I am just so proud of him for landing it!

Okay, so an update on the munchkins....
Ry is playing baseball again. Well, hopefully he will get playing time. Getting him to practice has been a nightmare lately. Anyway, it is just for fun this season and we will get him back into being more competitive next season. He is doing great in school grade wise. ( All A's so far this year ). Behavior..well that is touch and go. He is just so emotional and so much like me that we tend to butt heads. I love the child to death but when everything I say is followed by him saying, "no it isn't"..ugh, it can wear a person out!! Oh, he has also started collecting baseball hats. He has about 15-20 of them now. His wall is starting to fill up! His favorite teams are the Astros ( of course ), Boston Red Sox , Yankees( yes I realize that is a conflict of interest, but he doesn't ), and..well I think that is about it for favorites. Rae is loving her mother's day out. She cracks me up cause she DOES NOT SHUT UP! Seriously, the girl talks from the time she wakes up til the time she goes to bed. However, she doesn't talk like a normal 5 yr old ( oh yea can you believe Ry and Rae are about to be 7 and 5??? WTH??? ). Rae was telling Keith the other day ( in her most serious Rae voice ) all about Life Alert and how it works. Keith was like, " Rae just explained everything I ever needed to know about Life Alert to me " ( if you don't know what it is, then it is the necklace that can be worn by mainly the elderly so that if they fall or whatever they press a button and life alert sends help ). I am sure she learned about this on the t.v., but she is very concerned in telling people how "life alert is for Nana's so they can get help if they are hurt". Seriously, those kids keep me on my toes. My mom has been the biggest blessing in helping me and doing sooooo much for them these past 4-5 months. The kids and I are going to miss having her around every day once we move.

So, that is the update on life I guess. I am happy and things are going good. I am still bored as can be at work and still have 3 hrs til it is time to go...guess I better find something to do huh?

happy...

2008-02-05T10:38:00.001-06:00

I love waking up happy..well, actually my first thought after waking up was "shit I am late!!" but my next thought was happiness.

I have been trying to sort out all of the sorted details in my life and I have finally realized that things will work themselves out. Why stress about it? Nothing is going to fix itself today. Okay, so back to the happy thing, as I wake up this morning I was already in a good mood. I got up, turned on the shower and then heard this little voice "Mommy??". It was miss chica. She starts talking ( hey, her eyes were open which means if she is awake and you are awake then you are legally obligated to listen to her ramblings ) So she starts telling me how she heard the shower go on and how she thought, "that's my mommy, I want to go tell her good morning". ( you see I usually leave before they are awake..yea that's how late I was running!) So anyway, I turned on the t.v. in my room, got her all snuggled into my bed and got ready. She was chit chatting with me as I got ready and was laughing and giggling with me. I didn't care that I was late at that point. I mean, wouldn't you feel lucky if you got to have a silly 4 yr old conversation at 7 in the morning? Then as I was leaving, Ry pops out of my moms room ( you NEVER know where you will find those kids sleeping these days ). He comes up to me and gives me a big hug. I bend down, give him a huge hug and kiss and whisper in his ear..." cartoons are on in my room...you have some time to watch them before you have to get ready for school" He does the "YES!" thing that little kids do and runs off.

Yea, I was an hour late to work, but who cares??? I started my morning off right! As I started my hour long trek to work I started thinking about all the great things in my life.

1. My kids...love love love love ( can't say it enough!! ) them, and they are lucky enough to have boocoos ( no clue how to spell that word! ) of people who love them ! They are the ultimate reason as to why I try to become a better person everyday. They why I can't be hung up on my past and mistakes I have made. They are the ones who tell me they love me everyday and who are my world day in and day out. They are the ones who matter!

2. My family, I mean, a mom and two sisters who I could go to for anything, plus a whole boat load of nieces ( okay, one niece) and nephews who are growing up and turning into really cool kids and adults. I could go on and on, but anyone who has a great supportive family knows what I am talking about. I love them all...bottom line.

3. Keith who can keep me calm when I am upset, mad, or just worried. The one who holds me all night long and has shown me passion, love, friendship, and so much more. Everything that I have never been able to feel...he has opened my eyes up to. As much as this relationship was black-balled and "doomed" so to speak, it has turned out to be an amazing thing for both of us. I was once told by someone, "go talk to Keith, he is your best friend now!" Ha, actually.. he knows more about me than anyone ever has... funny how life works. We always tell eachother, that love is nothing without being best friends. ( that and the boy can crack my shit up...always a plus! )

4.Friends..that could be a loaded one, but I am talking about my friends who accept me for who I am on a daily basis. Ones that I have been able to call up and say, "I fucked up" and they say, "shame on you, but I am your friend.." Teresa, wow, if ANYONE has taught me anything about friendship, it has been her! I had to call her one day and tell her about something horrible. She actually ended the conversation by saying, "you know I love you, and I am here for you". Talk about a stand-up person. She has never said a bad word about anyone who I don't care for. She doesn't pick sides and she offers some of the best advice ever...even if I don't take it! Lacie has come back into my life over the past 6-7 months and she is the one who has shown me that no matter who I hurt, who hurts me, that I can still ask for forgiveness and have faith, oh and that we aren't all perfect. Lacie has me and the kids over for sleepovers and her and I have some of our best conversations over bottles of Dos Equis and wine. Wow, another friend with a true heart. Again, she is one that knows my past and I have had to tell her about not so great things, and again she ends the conversation in "you know I luv ya!". There are some more who I could go on and on about, but all I know is that I love all my friends.

5. My job, which even though I bitch about, is like another family to me. My fellow employees drove over an hour to show their support at my dad's service and called every day to check on me.

I guess the one thing that doens't really have a # is my faith...I mean, I don't go to church on a regular basis, I tend to make mistakes over and over again, yet I know I haven't been forgotten. It is hard to believe at times as I have questioned Him over and over again. I have wondered how much more I could have on my shoulders, yet every morning I wake up and keep walking on, so I guess he has faith that I can get through this.

I have had to deal with divorce, death, loss ( not talking about death on this one ), trying to be a single mom, opening myself up to another person ( which I swore I would NEVER do again) and so much more. I am not bitter about having to deal with this anymore. I mean why? All the important things in my life ( listed above ) is what gets me through everything...I think that is the most important thing for me to remember.

So, today I am happy. I am content. I am not sad, bitter, angry, worried, or upset today. Today is a day I will smile.

Finding peace...

2008-01-18T13:12:00.000-06:00

Today is the first day since December 16th that I have woken up and felt an ounce of peace in my heart. Not sure what caused it really. Last night I was up until about two or three in the morning trying to process everything that has happened to me in the past five months. I have had the mentality that I was given more than I could handle. I have spent the past month running away from everything. I am not talking about just my Dad, but about the divorce as well. I have heard the phrase "everything happens for a reason" too many times to count and truthfully had gotten sick and tired of hearing it. Last night I stopped and faced everything head on. It hurt, oh man did it hurt. Losing my Dad hurts the most, how can it not? However, I have to believe that he is the one giving me strength to carry on with life. He is the one with his hand on my shoulder as I stand strong in the divorce and fight for my happiness. As for the divorce, well out of respect for my kids the only I will say is that I hope things can be settled and finalized as soon as possible. I think everyone just wants to move on with life.
That leads me to the next thing...through all the heartaches and headaches there have been a few things that fill my heart with joy. The first is my kids. Really, how can you not smile when a snaggle toothed seven year old rushes to give you a hug the minute you walk through the door? How can I not feel warmth in my heart to see a little girl carrying a possum around her neck 24/7? Things haven't been easy on them. I can see that. We all can...at least if you are a part of their life you can. However, I do have to say that EVERY person in their lives have shown them so much love and compassion. I am grateful that my kids are lucky enough to have people who love them so much.
There is another person who has come into my life who has managed to break down every wall that I have ever built up around my heart. No one has been able to do that so far in my life. That relationship is very personal so I will just say that he fills my life with so much happiness and love. NEVER in a million years did I think I would find that. I guess everything does happen for a reason.
So like I said last night as I was thinking about all of this I did exactly what I needed to do. I cried for my Dad but smiled through the tears knowing that he will never leave my side now. I cried for my kids having to cope with the divorce, but smiled through even those tears knowing they are being given so much love right now. I cried at the thought of finally being able to be myself and open my heart up to another person, and again I smiled through those tears feeling nothing but happiness by having this person in my life.
Is everything okay? No. Is every day going to feel peaceful? No. However, it is a step in the right direction. It is a realization that life does go on, good or bad, happy or sad. It is one day that I needed of peace in my heart that makes me know that one day everything is going to good again.

Life keeps going on....

2008-01-14T07:11:00.000-06:00

Yep, it has been awhile since I have updated. It was too hard to do it before. It is still hard, but I have learned some things in the past week.

On Monday January 7th my father passed away. Almost 3 weeks to the day of when he had his heart attack. I woke up at 4 in the morning that monday and I knew it was going to be my Dad's last day. Just something in my heart told me so. When my mom told me I was driving. The day was already overcast, but at that moment the sky opened up and started pouring. That was like my heart. For the past three weeks I had shut down. I had shut almost everyone out. I was so angry, scared and bitter that I couldn't begin to face the emotion of being sad. That night I turned to my family and we held eachother. For that instant, that day, they were the only people in the world who felt as much pain as I did. My mother lost her life partner and me and my sisters lost our father. No one prepares you in life for that kind of pain. I finally let myself hurt on the outside instead of just the inside. I let my family see me hurt and I held them as I let them hold me. That day, that feeling, that everything will never escape me.

We had a memorial service for my dad on Friday the 11th. Friends who I hadn't seen in years were there. One of my friends from highschool, who I haven't seen in years, but who grew up with me knowing my Dad came. That meant a lot. Friends who have been calling and talking to me everyday even when they knew I wasn't ready to open up or feel anything yet were there. Lacie and Teresa have been amazing through all of this. Talk about knowing that people really do care. Teresa was the last of my friends to pass by me at the end. I just cried as we hugged because I knew it was okay to be sad and it was okay to lean on people when I just wasn't strong enough at that moment. Besides my family, ( who I can't even put into words the amount of love and strength they have all provided ) there has been one person who has had open arms since the day of the heart attack. Keith has been the pair of arms who has held me in the middle of the night when I fall apart and who has wiped away most of my tears. My Dad didn't get to know him, but I know he is in heaven, happy that I have found the person who makes me smile and love from the inside out.

The days leading up to the memorial service were amazing. At first I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through, but I learned an important life lesson last week. Friends and family help the pain. My mom, sisters, and I spent a good part of last week going through old pictures of my Dad, which of course led to lots of stories. I created a DVD with pictures and music and my sisters worked together to make three beautiful picture boards of my Dad's life. We talked about weddings, births, and just funny "dad" stories. On Thursday night Andi and I went to a mexican restaurant for a few drinks. As we sat there talking about Dad and life in general we cried. Yep, in the middle of this restaurant we sat there with tears in our eyes and it was okay. It was okay to be sad together, okay to laugh together, and it was okay to know that we have to move on with life.

As my mom and I talked about things we need to do, etc... last night I realized that life has to keep going. Through the pain and sadness, life doesn't stop or slow down. I still have to wake up, go to work, pay the bills, be a mom and do this thing called life. We all do. At least I know that with every step I take, heck for that matter for every step my mom, sisters, kids, neices, and nephews take... there will be one set of footprints following... my Dads. How amazing is that?
I am going to miss him more than I can fathom. There are going to be days in my life where it is going to physically hurt not having him there. There are going to be days where I have big decisions to make and I am going to want his opinions. I will have to do the only thing I know to do...close my eyes and know that he is there. As my life goes on so does his, in my heart.

An update I guess...

2007-12-18T10:22:00.000-06:00

I figured I would post an update although there really isn't much to tell.

My dad is still in ICU. Things are still very up in the air. I just talked to my mom and she did tell me that when his feet are messed with that he has started pulling up his feet a little bit. It is unvoluntary movement, but at least it is something. He will take anything right now. He still is not responding to pain, sounds, voices, etc...

The neurologist saw him last night and ordered a whole battery of tests for today. Who knows when we will get the answers on them. I am not losing hope. I am hoping that come Christmas morning that he will be alert enough for us to visit him and celebrate with him.

I think everything finally hit me this morning. Up until now I have been pretty numb and shocked. I would have moments where I was okay and moments where I wasn't. Today has been a nightmare. I woke up feeling like my heart had cracked in half. Seriously, knowing that your father is that sick and there is not a damn thing you can do about it hurts more than anyone can imagine. ( unless they have already gone through it ). I keep replaying the events in my head. I keep having a a lot of what if's and maybe's play in my mind. No one was prepared for this. No one saw it coming. We are all still trying to figure out how to process it all.

Keep my dad in your prayers. We will take all we can get right now.

How do I do this???

2007-12-16T18:39:00.000-06:00

How do I process this...

Today my father had a massive heart attack. He was without pulse for forty-five minutes and is now in the ICU fighting for his life. Surgery was performed to unblock the blocked artery, but we will know nothing for the next 24-36 hours.

What do I do? This is my father. I am his baby girl. He has to be okay. He can't not be okay. I don't even have words. I haven't blogged in forever, but I don't know what else to do. I thought I had experienced sadness and heartache, but today I learned I was wrong. The fear that I would lose him and the fact that we almost did made me realize what true pain is. He is my father for crying out loud!!! He is supposed to be here to see my kids grow. He is supposed to yell at me when I make the wrong decisions!! He is supposed to hug me and worry about me when everything in my world is spinning. He is supposed to smile and laugh at me as I find happiness and love. He is not allowed to not be there. He can't not be there !!!!
He is my dad, he is my kids Pepa. Their Pepa, their one and only. Rae is his Katie Kid and Ry is...well anyone that knows Ry and my dad, they have a bond that only they understand. Him and my kids have their own inside jokes. He takes them to the dollar store, gives them cookies and sugar behind my back, and scolds them only to apologize to them when he sees their tears. I'll be damned if the last memory my kids have of him is him being on a stretcher with the paramedics around him !!! He has to fight and he has to be okay. He has to watch them grow!! He can't not be here!

Reflections...

2007-11-12T14:25:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted a blog in a long time. Probably because so much has happened in my life that has left me speechless. That and everytime I did post something on here somone took it upon themselves to send me nasty anonymous posts. Anyway, so over the past few weeks/months I feel like I have been watching my life spin and twirl from outside of my body. I have been brought back into touch with life and reality with a lot that has happened in the past few weeks.

First I found out that there was a chance that Chris was going to start a new job in Colorado. Deep down I didn't think it would happen, but it did. Ry and Rae have about a week left with him here. My heart breaks for them. They will only see their dad around 24 days in the next year and that thought...well it brings tears to my eyes. One thing I can say is that Chris is a good father and it is a shame that he will miss so much of the next year. Ry is my little soldier who has been so strong through all of this right now but he has also had his Dad there for him whenever he needed him. I know deep down that Ry will be okay but it is going to be very hard on him. I try to be the best mother I can be, but let's face it I am not a father. As for Rae, I just see her getting even more clingy. My Dad is there for her and she seems to be bonding with him more and more as the days go by. She is already a mamma's girl and has become even more so lately. Anyway, the next year is going to be a test for me. I have to make it through. I don't have a choice. Learning to stand on my two feet has been empowering and scary as hell.

Then on top of all this I lost a very important person in my life. Actually it might be two. That is just a waiting game. I am not going into details of anything on here involving that but lets just say I love this person more than I can ever imagine and not having that person there...well a part of me is empty now. If I lose the other person...well I don't know.

On a good note there are people that have come into my life when I least expected it. I am finally feeling alive and awake in life. Through all the heartbreak, disappointment, loss and everything else it is nice to know there is hope that life does go on. I am certain that I can still get close to another person and not be scared to take a leap of faith. Now don't go reading into this last paragraph. No one knows ( okay okay T and L know ) some of what is going on right now. However, it will not come out on here. I just,..I don't know.... am living life and going with the flow of everything that comes my way.

With all of this being said I have made mistakes ( some really really bad mistakes and some that are a whoops kind of mistake), I have said things I shouldn't, I have jumped to conclusions, and I have done things out of character to myself. I am not perfect. I will never claim to be. I am just me right now and I am trying to learn what that means. Some things that have happened caused me to hold a mirror up to my life and have really made me realize that it was time to get back to being Jill instead of the person that I had turned in to.

So, there it is. That is my update. Maybe in a couple of weeks I will have some better news. Right now I am optimistic and looking forward to the days as they come.

to answer your question...

2007-11-01T15:19:00.000-05:00

i had someone send me an "anonymous" question on my last post that said,

"so when is the blog address going to change to www.mammadearing.blogspot.com?"

First off, if you are going to send me an "anonymous" question, then grow a pair and use your real name. I was not born yesterday. Only a handful of people know my maiden name. So, the anonymous part is kind of pointless considering it can only be a handful of people.

Second off, I am NOT changing my name. Everything I have is under my married name including my SS#, DL and all that stuff. NO ONE can force me to change it PERIOD!

Third, if you have a problem with my blog then DON'T read it. I was upset that day and my blog is my place to vent. Good thing I haven't vented this week considering the events that have occurred. God only knows what sort of anonymous posts I would be getting then.

I could go on and on, but luckily it is time to leave work.

You're kidding me right???

2007-10-26T15:27:00.001-05:00

Okay, I know I haven't blogged in awhile and while I promised happy blogs, this is not one !! I am blogging right now cause I am irritated, disappointed, and a few other things. Okay...kids... ummm,you have them and they are your responsibility right???? RIGHT !!!! Can you please explain to me why it is so easy for a parent to say, " I'm sorry I just can't take them tonight". You have got to be kidding me!! All I know is that I only get to see my kids 50% ( okay, well it is A LOT more than that these days!!! ) of the time. If I was not able to see them for days on end I would certainly make an effort to do so!! It is not the mother's job to make sure the children talk to the father and tell them goodnight every night. However, it is my job to explain why they aren't going to Daddy's ( yet again) and explain why he doesn't call one night to tell them goodnight or any other things that they might ask. Please don't tell me that he is going to become "that" father. Please tell me that he meant it when he said that he was going to miss seeing them everyday. Right now I am having a very hard time believing it! Can you please explain to me why they have to be put on the back burner behind other important things? I am sorry, are you seeing the fire come flaming out of my mouth yet? Yes!! I am spitting fire mad right now. This is my place to vent so I am doing just that so that when I do have to see my kids tonight at least I know that at least ONE person is there and consistent. Ugh... please tell me the pumpkin patch this weekend will cheer me up!! It will won't it? Oh wait, lots of screaming and yelling kids..nope probably not !!! However, being with Rae and Ry and having a blast this weekend will be worth it all !!

a few little updates...

2007-10-15T09:14:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, where to start.

-The Legends are still on top in the Fall 07' Spring Klein season. As of Saturday we are 8-0. Yep, I think the legends are going to sweep the league. We have seen some amazing games this season, but we are bracing ourselves for our first tournament this weekend. I am nervous and excited for the boys. It will be an all weekend affair. I can't wait !!!

-I am still packing the house. I will be moving on Friday. There will be a lot of life changes, but in the end I know I have made the right decision. This will allow me to get back on my feet and to be in a positive financial situation. ( that is ALWAYS a good thing!! )

-As crazy as life has been I am really enjoying it and having fun. I have met so many new people. I have been laughing and smiling a lot and I owe that to my friends. They have been good at keeping my mind off of everything.

Oh...ummmm, did you see my ticker lately??? 70 days til Christmas? Are you freakin kidding me??????? Ack!!!!! Ry is easy for Christmas, but I have NO CLUE what to get chica!! I will have to brainstorm hard on that one!

oh oh oh oh...you have to check out a new artist that I have found. Her name is Colbie Caillat and her music is AMAZING!!!! I wish I could figure out a way to post a song...hmmm, I might need to go do some searching on this one...stay tuned!!

I did it !!! I added music to my blog!! Enjoy :)

Please let me explain...

2007-10-10T09:19:00.000-05:00

I feel really bad for not updating my blog as often as I used to. Honestly, it is kind of hard to post anything these days. I don't like to post unhappy things and definitely not personal things. Well, it seems that 99% of the stuff going on in my life is very personal and often times sad. Why do you think I always blog about baseball? It is my release and a way to escape my world for those two hours. My emotions are raw these days. I have never felt more empowerment and loss at the same time. While everything as I know it has changed one thing has remained constant. That is the love for my children, family, and friends. As the world spins around me these loved ones in my life seem to be able to reach in and keep me from spinning out of control with it. Sometimes you take people like this for granted and I will never take these amazing beings for granted ever again. So, as you see things are complicated....life is complicated. I am excited to have a fresh start. I am excited to look into my future and know that I am in control of my destiny. I am in control of my heart. I am in control of myself finally. That is an amazing, yet very scary feeling. For once in my life I am not relying on someone else to make me happy. What a journey I am on!

As for the kids, they are doing good. Ry has been behaving in school and Rae has actually been in a great mood ! We will be moving in the next week. Ry will start a new school, and he is actually excited about this possibility. Rae will beleaving her preschool and she will start a new mother's day out program that is only a few days a week. I however will be driving over an hour an a half to and from work.....sigh... oh well..it is only time right? I CAN do this !! ( that will have to be my mantra over the next six months !! )

Once things are settled I am sure I will have happier posts and the frequency of them will increase. Until then, I apologize in advance for the lack of communication here !!!

Bad blogger...bad!!

2007-10-08T12:06:00.000-05:00

I know...I know!!! I have been HORRIBLE about updating my blog!! OKay, so a few things have happened.

1st- I had a parent teacher conference with Ry's teacher. I usually cringe when it comes to those damn things. I have NEVER had a good one ever with him. Anyway, the teacher calls me today and I wanted to cry over the phone. First off, Ry is reading at a second grade level. At the end of Kinder he was reading on a K level. She said she has seen a huge jump in his language skills. He is learning and picking up on grammar rules faster than she can teach him. His math is also at a second grade level !! She is going to start giving him some advanced work. He has A's in social studies and science. Plus....are you ready for this.....????? She has had NO behavior problems with him in the past 2 1/2- 3 weeks. She said he has become a totally different student. She said he is not angry anymore and has started coming out of his shell. She said he is happy and smiles all the time. Do you know how much this means to me??????? I am soooo proud and can't wait to hug him today at the baseball game!

2nd- The legends are still on their dominating streak!! They are 7-0 and defeated their toughest competitors this weekend. I think the score was 18-4. The legends defense was unstoppable this weekend!!

3rd- I am not blogging much b/c I am trying to get everything situated and packed up at the house. Every night I will be packing/cleaning, etc... The kids were with Chris this weekend ( and man did I miss them !! ) and I should have done more, but I almost needed a weekend to detox from the drama you know? I am rejuvinated and ready to tackle my obstacles.

Other than that life is the same as usual. Rae is some ole Rae !! LOL

We have another game tonight so I will hopefully update that soon !! Here are a couple of pics from the game on Saturday.

preparing for little league domination...

2007-10-04T10:30:00.000-05:00

LOL, okay not really, but I thought that sounded pretty cool. Our boys are now 6-0. There was another game last night and they won 21-10. We play our toughest opponents on Saturday morning. It will prove to be a challenging game. However, I truly believe that our little Legends will dominate.

Okay, so this week has been pretty laid back. Ry was on green yesterday which is good. He also got 100% on his spelling test !! woo hoo !! If I teach the child anything in life it is that proper grammar and spelling is essential. It drives me crazy when people do not know the proper way to use to/two/too, their/there, and your/you're. I know I learned the difference between all these words when I was in elementary school. I always wonder if people were absent the day those words were taught. Anyhoo, I asked Ryan about his day and he said that Emily ( aka the bad seed) was teasing him again. I asked him what he did. Ry said he rolled his eyes (oh yes, he is his mother !! ) and walked away. I asked him why he just walked away and he said it was because if he said something back to her then he would have gotten in trouble. He said it is easier to ignore her. Jackpot !!!! Wow, this is a lesson I have been trying to teach him for years it seems. I then took the time to explain that not everyone is going to be nice to him and not everyone is going to like him and that is why it is so important that we have our friends. So Ry had a great day at school and a great day at baseball.

As for Rae, well we are still in drama queen overload. She can't do anything without there being some form of whining or drama involved. What to do....what to do... This is going to be a learning experience with her !!

As for me, well I am doing good. Sash came over last night and we talked and hung until about 10:30. I love that girl !! Well, time to get back to work. We are going over the Teresa's tonight for dinner...yummy !!! ( T is a good cook and well I am not cooking much these days !! LOL )

wait...wait... I meant to post a pic of Ry playing catcher from the Monday night game (I didn't take pics last night )

I'm back...

2007-10-02T11:38:00.000-05:00

I know...yesterday I was MIA on my blog, but I really didn't have much to update it with. Now, however I do !!

Okay, remember when I was looking for a military school for six year olds??? Well that notion has been put on the back burner for a little bit and has been replaced with charm school for a four year old !!! However, I prefer not to have the lady from VH1's "Charm School" teach her. Rae has manners....I know she does.... right??? Please someone tell me I am right. These days they are nonexistent or so it seems. I picked her up from school yesterday and was told that she was hitting and scratching her best friend. What the hell RAE???? She laughs and tells me she was bad. Then when she sees that I do not think its funny she starts this fake crying BS. Ugh... I told her I would talk to her in the car about manners and behavior. So, we get in the car and I go over manners, what is acceptable, what is not, etc... etc.... I am thinking, okay great, basis covered !! NOPE !! We get to the ballfields ( cause Ry had a game that I will be talking about later !! ) and she somehow forgot what her name or what my voice sounded like. I CAN'T STAND when she does this. I can stand behind her saying her name over and over and over and she just ignores me. I know she hears me. She was talking with food in her mouth ( BIG PET PEEVE) , whining, playing in the dirt, trying to go out on the field, and so much more that I can't even remember. I truly think charm school might be the only option for my chica !! What happened to my dainty 3 yr old?

OKay, so on to the baseball game. It was a pretty good game !! The boys won 21-4 I think. ( I think the other team had 4, maybe 3 ). One of our boys hit a GRAND SLAM over the fence homerun !! Folks, he is only seven !!! We have another game on Wednesday night.

Tonight we have soccer practice....BORING !!! Does she really need to go to practice???? SERIOUSLY?????? Hmmm, I wonder if I can bribe her with ice cream to skip practice. She is only 4, not like she is the next Mia Hamm.

Well, my lunch break is over and it is time that I try to be a productive employee.
Oh, and I am doing okay. I am taking it one day at a time and making sure I smile a lot !!!

A different kind of hurt....

2007-09-30T19:56:00.000-05:00

We told the kids today.... I thought my heart had felt pain before, but until a six year old little boy curls up into your body sobbing because his heart is broken then you will truly never know pain. Those eyes and face that are the spitting image of mine looked back at me with so much heartache and confusion. I wish I could fix everything in his world right now but I can't. I know that in time his world, although different will become right again. I want the people that are around him to remember how much this little boy is hurting and that he didn't ask for this. He may be different for a little bit, but I know Ry will see that he has a mother and father who love him with their whole heart and soul and that everything will be okay.

I do not mean to leave Rae out of this. She just doesn't understand it all. The adjustment will probably be easier for her. She has a different spirit than Ry and she tends to see only rainbows and unicorns ( so to speak ). Her world is always fine and dandy. Of course we will show her as much as we always have and more so. The same with Ry.

I know this post is heavy, but this blog is about my life. My life IS heavy right now. For my friends and family who have offered their love and support I thank you. It means the world to me right now. Now I just have to fix my children's world.

Soccer Saturdays...

2007-09-30T00:50:00.000-05:00

Yes, it is Sunday ( 1 in the morning ) but this post is about Saturday...yesterday...today... whatever haven't gone to bed yet so it is still Saturday to me. So, Rae and Ry both had games today and man was it crazy.

Here is Rae in all her soccer glory...doesn't she look like a little professional.. ha ha !!!

The best part was when she got 3/4 of the way through the game and decided that she didn't want to soccer anymore. She is sooooo much like her brother at that age !!!

Anyway, I haven't edited ry's pics yet today. It is late and I will do that tomorrow night.

Saturdays....

2007-09-29T08:27:00.001-05:00

Okay, before I go into my post here are a few pics from the baseball game...

Okay, so it is Saturday and today is full of soccer games and basball games.....

I will update later with all the stories from today. For now I have to take a shower and get Rae all cute for soccer !!!

I love em...

2007-09-27T22:10:00.000-05:00

I love our little Legends !! Our boys rocked it last night.... yes they made errors and no they are not a perfect little team, but damn, those boys love their baseball. Our boys made a TRIPLE PLAY last night !!! Yep, J-Rod caught a pop fly, threw it to first...got him out... threw it to second...got that kid out... gotta LOVE IT !!! They won the game 18-7 ( I think that was the final score ). One of our boys came within inches of hitting a homerun over the fence. There were other homeruns as well of course. Plus, it was miss Taylors and Camerons b-day so the kids got to enjoy cake afterwards. I will be going in to work early in the morning to edit pics so I will post them tomorrow. Ry has been playing catcher a lot and you know what??? He is doing pretty good at it. Ry is not the best on the team, nor do I expect him to be, but he enjoys himself and that is the important part. He is proud of the team he is on. Plus, he couldn't be any cuter in all that catcher gear ! I think I got some good pics of him playing catcher. It was also nice to get behind my camera and escape for awhile tonight. Maybe that is why I love photography so much... for that little bit while you are focusing on capturing a beautiful child you forget about all the raw emotions that are raging within you.

Ohhhhhh... Ry was on green AGAIN today and he got SUPERSTAR of the week at daycare. You know, I am always proud of the little toot, but this week he has been soooooo happy. He said to me tonight, "Mom I am proud of myself " Wow, that is so important for a 6 yr old to be able to be proud of himself you know? He is about to face some hard days and as long as I can keep him loving himself and knowing that everyone around him loves him, then I can call myself a good mother.

On another note, thank you again for all the support I have been receiving. People who I didn't even think cared have been offering me their shoulders if I needed one. However, there is one person that I wish was there and could tell me that they care, but I guess that won't be happening. That really does hurt . I know this person reads my blog ( I have my ways of knowing these things ). I guess blood really isn't thicker than water......

Anyway, I am off to bed. I have been having a hard time sleeping ( getting about 3-4 hrs a night right now ) so who knows if I will actually sleep.

Sorry I haven't had any funny little quirks or anything this week. I guess I have been pretty intense, although I seem to forget that I did post the drunken pics from Dallas. Those were pretty funny. Speaking of Dallas...a big THANK YOU to Sash for making me laugh this week when I needed it the most. Sash, you should so comment and post the "dancing" link !! bwa ha ha !!!

A few "quotes" before I go... ( can you tell I love quotes?? That is the literature lover in me !!! )

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
King Whitney Jr

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.
Alan Watts

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all.
Emily Dickinson

Super Star....

2007-09-27T07:14:00.000-05:00

So, I pick up Ry from daycare yesterday and he tells me he was on green AGAIN and that he had a good day....then..... the daycare teacher pulls me aside and says she wants to talk to me. I am thinking, "Oh shit, here we go " Anyway, she said Ry has been like a different kid this week. She said that he has been following 100% of the directions, keeping his hands to himself, and while he is still the goofy Ry we all know, that he has been soooo good this week. She said he is on his way to being the "SUPERSTAR STUDENT" of the week !!

My kid...the superstar??? You're kidding me right??? I just kept telling him over and over again how proud I was of him !!! He kept asking me, "Are you proud that I am being good Mom? " I couldn't tell him YES !!! enough. I know why he is different this week and this validates the fact I have made the right decision. I haven't seen him this happy in months. It really does bring tears to my eyes.

Oh, he also got his Wednesday folder and there was NO behavior marks at all !!!! This is the first time EVER since he started Kinder. that he has had NO behavior checks!! Again, proves to me that as his mother I am doing the right thing right now.

We had baseball practice and he was even more attentive and alert there. The dads tried to nickname him "Sleepy" last week ( which I WAS NOT having ). I think Ry is slowly proving that the name doesn't fit. I truly hope he stays on this road.

We have a game tonight and I cannot wait to pump him up and get him excited about doing his best out there.

For now this is my post b/c, well.... Ry deserves a post all about him and his amazing progress and improvement !!! He really is my superstar !!!

On a Roll....

2007-09-26T06:41:00.000-05:00

Folks... while some areas of life have been hellacious, there has one been one great thing that has happened this week. Ryan has been on green for two days in a row now !! The teacher sent home a good note as well yesterday that I proudly put on the refigerator to display. Ry has been having so many problems that I almost cried when I saw that note !! He even told me how he stayed away from Emily and ignored her when she started teasing him. ( Emily is a little girl in his class that I compare to the "bad seed"... seriously...creepy evil child ) I am hoping and praying that Ry will stay on this road. Yes, I know he will have slip ups, but I hope this shows him that the rewards for good behavior far outweighs the punishment for bad behavior.

I am getting sick...thanks Christi !! LOL Yep, my glands are swollen and I feel HORRIBLE today, not to mention that I got a spider bite last night and part of my left arm is knotted and swollen. Ry has baseball tonight, but I will leave him and Rae there with Chris so that I can go workout. Man, I need that stress relief. I am still VERY sore from my workout with T on Monday, but it is soooo worth it. Don't you love the feeling of having your stomach muscles ACHE when you laugh or cough ( because you have actually worked them out and used them ). I have been told that I have a 4 pack right now LOL....not quite a 6 pack, but a few lines none the less !! LOL

Before we go a few words....

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great person is one who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

( while he is not always easy to follow, take a minute and really READ these words... then let it sink it... )

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. - Helen Keller

BWA HA HA HA HA !!!

2007-09-25T13:15:00.000-05:00

Okay, I got the pictures back from Dallas....

I am warning you we were some drunk girls and no we were NOT driving !! My eyes were bothering me on Friday, so please keep that in mind. They were already red before we ever started drinking !! LOL

Okay, so these are the ones I CAN post !!!

Thank You...

2007-09-25T07:27:00.000-05:00

For those who know what is going on in my life right now...Thank You for your words of encouragement and support. This blog is not private so I am not going into details of the situation.

I don't have a fun and quirky post today. You are just getting me raw showing my gratitude.

I know the next few months are going to be hard. Hell, the next couple years are going to be hard but I know that my friends and family will be there for me, well for my entire family. I couldn't ask for a better support system.

Again, I say thank you.

I do have one little thing to add. Ryan has been reading to me every night and I am so proud of him right now. He is getting more confident in reading and as a mother who LOVES the english language he is actually listening to me about the rules of grammar. ( for example, silent e's, what y's do at the end of words, what vowels make what sound when combined... yes mother I know I missed my calling as an english teacher... ) Also, Ry stayed on green yesterday. That is HUGE for him. A lot of this is affecting him and I am trying to show him as much positive reinforcement as possible. He was in an amazing mood yesterday which is rare these days. Lets hope that we see more of these days in the future.

I hope everyone has a glorious day. I cannot say thank you enough.

Dallas Weekend....

2007-09-24T08:01:00.000-05:00

All I can say is WOW....yup....WOW....

Is it possible for a person to become even closer to their best friends??? For 48 hours I didn't stop smiling or laughing. Well, except to sleep and we only got about 4-5 hours of sleep the whole weekend !! It was soooo crazy and sooooo much fun !!!!

First off, it took Sash and I 5 hours to get there on Friday night !! We didn't know if we would EVER get there, but we did. We quickly changed and headed out. We went to dinner and then decided to go tackle the Dallas nightlife. While I won't go into any details I will share a few things.

Christi lives in a place called Addison in Dallas. There is this on road that has bar after bar after bar. We started out at Sherlocks and by the end of the night we were singing along with many bar patrons at a dueling piano bar. Our night didn't stop there. We went back to Christi's and ended up staying up until around 5:30-6:00 in the morning. Christi had to go to work ( poor poor Christi ) so Sash crawled in bed and if you know me you know that I have a hard time sleeping during the day. I was up and decided to go get breakfast. Christi bailed out of work early so her and I went shopping. Then we came home and I did manage to take a 2 hour nap before we had to wake up and get ready. We went to a sushi restaurant and then out to more bars. We ended up partying until 5 in the morning again, however this time I did go to sleep and managed to sleep about 3 hours. Yes, I know you want the juicy good stories, but they aren't good unless you are there I guess. It was a bunch of girls having a blast !!!!!

I did take pics on a disposable camera, but that isn't developed yet !!

The only pics I have are these... We were about to go out Saturday night. The pics aren't that great of quality. I had to use my flash and it was outside on Christi's patio. However, they are a couple. I will post on here other ones once I get them developed !!

Last night I went to sleep at 8:30 and didn't get up until 5:30 this morning. It was wonderful and amazing sleep.

I can't say how much I love my two best friends. The best thing is that every year they get closer and closer !!

AGain...WOW !!! LOL

It's Friday...I'm going to Dallas...

2007-09-21T06:19:00.000-05:00

Just imagine me singing that like in Ms. Congeniality when Sandra Bullock was singing/saying, "You think I'm sexy", "You want to date me", "You want to kiss me" LOL, So now, imagine me saying, "It is Friday", "I'm going to Dallas".

Oh, and I woke up at 4 a.m to Reagan having peed in her bed. I didn't get mad. The child is 4.5 and this is only the second time she has ever done this. It was my fault b/c she had 2 cups of rootbeer, plus she stole my drink and drank it at the softball game last night. So, at 4 this morning I try to open my eyes and.... one was matted shut !! CRAP !!! I think my mascara or eyeliner is expired ( hell, maybe both!! ) Don't worry MOm, I am going to buy some new stuff today and NO I don't have any on right now. Oh and I do not have my contacts in either. I am REALLY good about taking them out at night now. ( if I wear them...I seem to wear glasses a lot these days ). So, I FINALLY get my eyes open, process what she is saying and get up. She is upset and apologizing. Of course I told her that it was an accident and it wasn't her fault. I threw her in the shower, got her changed, put her in my bed, went upstairs, stripped her bed, put her stuff in the washing machine, and then crawled back into bed for another hour. Hey, at least she went back to sleep and didn't try to stay awake. That one would have been a kicker.

So last night I got most of my stuff packed. You would think I was leaving for a week, but hey a girl's gotta have options right??? I have some stuff in the dryer that I have to pack when I get home. I am only working until 1:30, so I have plenty of time !!!

Not much else is going on. I will try to take lots of pics this weekend. Well, you will only get bar pictures if Christi has a camera. I am not taking mine into the bar. Christi has to work for part of the day on Saturday and I think SAsh and I might hit up the pool. I am not quite sure what it is like to layout for more than ten minutes at a time. The kids are always with me at the pool and the only time I got "me" time was during the adult break when they had to sit out for 10 minutes. Wow, this will be a change.

Oh, still contemplating the belly piercing.
Everyone be good and have a great weekend !!! Mom, have fun with the kids SAturday night...

HAPPY FRIDAY !!!

24 hours to go...

2007-09-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

until I will be leaving work and getting ready to go to Dallas. This couldn't have come at a better time.

I think everything from this week has my head spinning. Every little thing is pissing me off. It always seems to happen this time of year. I keep adding more and more to our schedule. Yes, I have NO right to complain about this considering I am the one that has committed to it all. That is why I think it will be great for me to go away for a couple days and come back with new energy and a better positive attitude. No one likes a grump, that is for sure !!!

Tonight, once I get home I have to do LOTS of laundry. I have to wash ALL the uniforms ( for baseball and soccer), all the kids clothes for the weekend, plus everything I am wanting to bring. Ummm, and did I mention that I have 2 pair of jeans that fit and that is it???? I am forever washing those damn things !! I need to go shopping sooooo bad, but it just isn't possible right now. Anyway, I have to do Ryan's nightly reading, get them showered, in bed, and pack all my stuff. That is a lot for little ole me !!

I will miss all the games this weekend and that sucks, but I know Chris will call and give me the play by play. Well, I better finish up this day at work .We went to La Madeleine's for lunch and I had their chicken ceasar salad ( with their fat-free ceasar dressing...yummmmmmmyyyy !!! ) Actually, I am sure ya'll could give a shit what I ate there...LOL.

Time to go start a list of what I need for Dallas....It is time to turn that city upside down !!!

No more Mommy....

2007-09-19T20:25:00.001-05:00

I do not want to hear this word or any other form of the word "Mommy" for at least 12 hours. Ugh...seriously I can't hear the word anymore tonight.

So, I pick up Ry from daycare and he looks at me and says,

Ry: "Mommy I got on yellow today, but was good in the afternoon so I got a good note from the teacher"

Me: sighhhhh..." Well Ry, that is a step up from you being on red yesterday."

So, I look at the note and it says that he is trying harder, working on keeping his hands to himself, blah blah blah blah .....

I go to get Rae...

Rae: " Mommy, mommy mommy mommy, ( and you wonder why I get tired of hearing this word ) I was good today, I was on green and I got stickers."

Me: " Good job Rae"

Rae: " Mommy, mommy, mommy?.... (she is trying to get my attention while I am trying to read her daily paper)Are you proud of me? "

Me: "Of course Rae, I am always proud of you "

So, off we go to the car while the kids are talking, but all I seem to be hearing is "mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mmmmmooooommmmm ( the whiny version is the worst )

Now please don't get the wrong idea, I LOVE being their mom, I absolutely LOVE it, but some days I just don't want to hear "mommy".

We got home and I fix them cereal. Oh, real quick, funny thing... When I was picking up Rae today they did an "all about me" page. This was hers...

Name: Reagan Katie

Favorite Food: Cereal and Ice Cream ( there has literally been times when that is what she has for dinner...yep, just hand me that mother of the year award now !! )

Like to Play: Soccer,Cheerleading and Dress up. ( she would play soccer in a tutu and dress up heels if I would let her !! )

What I want to be when I grow up: Girl Race Car Driver ( where in the hell did that come from??? Chica has NEVER talked about being a race car driver...I bet you the boys in her class had some influence on that one!! )

There were some other questions, but those were the ones I remember off the top of my head.

So anyway, back to my night...I feed the kids cereal, we all get changed for baseball practice.

We go to baseball practice and even though the Chris and I are BOTH there, the kids only seem to recognize the fact that I am there. Ryan keeps coming over, "Mommy, I want a hug" Okay, I know you are thinking how sweet.... no he really doesn't want a hug. He was just trying to find something else to do so he wouldn't hustle. Rae was playing with some of the kids and all of a sudden I hear, "mmmmmooooooommmmmmmmmmmmy, mmmmmmmmmmooooommmmmmmmmyyyyyyyy, mmmmmmmmmmmoooooommmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyy ( over and over and over again ). I figured I couldn't keep ignoring her, so I look over and she has fallen in the mud and one of her legs was totally covered. This is sooooo my day !! Then it is time for batting practice, Ry asks, "why am I always last to bat?" Me- Ummmm, b/c you are too busy trying to give me hugs and lolligag and you were the last over here. However, I was a little peturbed ( is that how you spell it? ) b/c the coach watched all the kids bat and then when Ry was up he went to his truck to get the baseball cards...I don't think he watched Ry at all...but whatever, at this point I had a headache and I just wanted to go home. Ry DID hit some good hits though. Too bad the coach didn't see!! LOL

So, I get in the car only to find out that Ry had gotten in trouble at daycare. He had thrown something at the teacher. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did he have to get his Daddy's temper??? Ugh... that child gets pissed and throws stuff. It drives me crazy. Now my dear sweet kids are sleeping. Funny how they become sweet angels the minute their eyes close. My head is still pounding and I am going to take me and my grumpy mood to bed.

GOOD NIGHT !!!

Just pics....

2007-09-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

Just a couple pics from the baseball game on Monday night.

Ryan catching a pop fly during practice...

Mrs. Tami and her girls !!!

What a day...

2007-09-18T18:32:00.000-05:00

Well, I got about two hours of sleep last night and was sick to my stomach all night. I really needed to go to work, but there is no way I could have done it. This happens to me sometimes. I concentrate so much on doing everything for everybody that sometimes I forget about myself. I haven't been able to get to the gym in about a week and my body knew it. When we are running around doing baseball, soccer, work, etc.. I am bad and I will forget to eat. Needless to say I crashed and burned today. The kids were up past midnight last night. Ry had a HORRIBLE day at school because of it. I couldn't get mad at him b/c it was MY fault for keeping him up that late. Oh well, live and learn. It is 6:30 and both of the kids are already asleep. I fixed them mac and cheese, gave them a glass of milk and put them to bed. Chris has softball tonight, so it is me and my blog.

So, the finale of Big Brother is on tonight and for the first time ever I don't really care who wins. I think they are both putzes !! I want to watch it just to see what the sequestered jurors have to say. That is always the best part.

3 more days until Dallas !! Sash and I cannot stop talking about it. I am sure she will bring her camera...or we will get a disposable. Oh the stories I will have to tell! Maybe Christi will let me get on her computer and update on Saturday. Oh okay...so confession...I REALLY want to get my belly button pierced this weekend, but Chris says I can only do it if he is with me...how retarded is that? So... what do you think? One of my best friends tells me, "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission"... Mom, I am sure I know your stance this, but remember, I AM an adult!! LOL

Oh oh oh...how could I forgot??? Ry hit his first homerun last night in the baseball game. It was an in-park home run and yes, it was the result of an overthrow...but it still counts !! He was soooooo excited !!! We won the game....22-0. ( I think that was the final score). We felt kinda bad that the other team didn't ever score....well not THAT bad. It was a fun little game, but our boys were BORED in the field b/c the other team couldn't hit very well.

Well, time to get my blanket, curl up on the couch, and watch the Big Brother finale. Good night all...maybe I will be more interesting tomorrow.

Who are you people???

2007-09-17T11:28:00.000-05:00

Okay, so last week I put a counter on my blog... holy moly...I have been getting over 100 hits a days. It is just little ole' me. Who are all ya'll people ( yes, I am in Texas,therefore I fully have the right to type ya'll ) With that being said I do have to say that I am guilty of blog jumping and finding some really fun and interesting blogs. That is what I do at 6 in the morning when I don't feel like starting work yet. Speaking of early mornings.. I came in this morning about 5:45 so that I could start editing baseball pictures from this week. The boys had to wear red under armour and it made their shirts reflect big time on their skin. Oh well, they are still adorably cute boys !!!

Oh, just a thought came to mind when I was looking at the pics that I posted. We ( the coaches and myself included ) are always yelling at Ryan to get "baseball ready". I think I have come to the conclusion that Ryan standing there staring at us like ( "Shut the F up") is his baseball ready. I am going to try to work on that tonight. ( yes we have another game tonight and hopefully we will kick some ass like we did before !! ). Also, I am thinking that I might have to "incentivise" ( is that a word ? ) him a little. I am thinking I will tell him that IF he gives 100% and is energized and on his A game then Daddy will take him skating this weekend. Heck, I am going to be out of town so Daddy can deal with it.... evil laughing as we speak !!

Here are a couple from this weekend.

I don't really want to put any on there that have pics of kids who's parents I don't know !!!

In case you want to know...

2007-09-15T08:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, we have been pretty busy this weekend so I will give you the quick run down.

Let's see, Friday we went over to Ryan's baseball coach's house. (We'll shorten that to Coach T. for blog purposes ) We were supposed to pick up our uniforms and such and much to our dismay, our jerseys did not get here in time for the game. That was okay, the boys had their hats, pants, and under armour to wear. So, we stayed over there until around 10 or so... ( what is it with those boys and offering me beer? I guess they didn't remember that we had to get up early for the game !! )

As I woke up on Saturday I prepared a day of pure craziness. I HAD to leave with Ry at 9:30 at the latest. Oh, did I mention that Rae had a soccer game at the EXACT same time as Ry's baseball game? She did, but I had to go to the baseball game b/c I am the team photographer...So, Chris is running late as usual, and I FINALLY get out of the house. The baseball game was AMAZING !!! There was a team this summer/spring known as the Heat and they were a pretty good team. We'll, we basically played them yesterday and SMOKED them. The final score was 18-6. Our little Legends played so well together ( remember, this was the first game of the season and the first time they had all played together ). They really are a good little team !!!

Ry's baseball game ended at 12 and his soccer game started at 1, so I had to haul ass to get him there. Now soccer is different this year. They actually keep score and have a real ump. It was funny b/c we played a team who had two of the Legend players on it. Ry was stoked to play them. Our soccer team won 10-6. ( It really was a great day for sports) Ry scored a goal and had about 3-4 assists. He was exhausted !!!

Afterwards we came home for Rae to take a nap. Then I took the kids swimming over at Coach T's house with some of the other baseball players. Chris came and got Ry and took him to play laser tag. Rae wanted to stay with me ( why does this not surprise me?? ) Anyway, I just hung out with some our friends at Coach T's house until around 10:30 and then came home and CRASHED !!!!!

Now it is 8:30 on Sunday morning. The kids are still asleep and I need to clean house BAD right now !!! I must quit typing and do this.

Sorry this post is boring, but it really is just an update from the weekend. It has been a great weekend, but just busy and very beer, baseball and soccer oriented !! LOL

Only 5 more days til Dallas !!!

why....why....why....???

2007-09-14T10:26:00.000-05:00

Why can't grown men make decisions? Seriously, some of them have the decision making skills of my 6 yr old !!!! As a woman who has been in the work force with men for many years I am still left in amazement at how "men" handle business.

Here is my scenario of how decisions are made with men.

1. There is a problem, however it takes men three times as long to realize there is a problem because they are oblivious to all the shit in the office going on around them. ( this would be solved if they talked to the women of the office about potention problems...so much time and energy would be saved using this tactic !! )

2. The men FINALLY realize there is a problem and they decide to hold a meeting to talk about the problem.

3. All the men check their little blackberry's and agree on a time. Now ladies, we all know that this first meeting is not actually going to happen !! Instead one of them cancels for something he forgot to put into his blackberry or cancels just to avoid the meetings. ( so he doesn't have to deal with the office problems that day. He would rather go out to lunch with all his buddies )

4. A second meeting is planned and for once they all show up. None of them have enough balls to really confront the problem, so they tiptoe around the subject and NOTHING gets accomplished. It is a bunch of testerone bouncing off the conference room walls and it is left for us women to clean up.

5. Next, all the women in the office are PISSED !!!! They know the problem, recognize the problem and are ready to fix the problem. Therefore one woman marches into another woman's office and calls for people to meet them in there. ( you see we do not need to schedule meetings in our precious little blackberry's....that is something called spontaneity ( look it up men !! ). The women don't waste anytime getting down to business. Within five minutes a decision is made as to what needs to happen.

6. The head "woman" marches into one of the men's office and lays it all out for him. He looks at her, blinks his eyes and goes, " That is a pretty good idea...I hadn't thought about it from that aspect. I will talk to the other guys about it"

7. The men have to "meet" to discuss the idea the women come up with, which includes the before mentioned 2 meeting quota and still NOTHING is accomplished.

8. Eventually the men forget what problem they are trying to solve or just get tired of trying to solve it. So what happens........

9. The head "guy" walks into the head "gals" office and says, "Hey, I've been made aware of this...can you handle it for me? " ( and he walks out )

10 The head "gal" wants to rip off the head "guys" head but instead she focuses on fixing the problem.

11. Ten minutes later the head "gal" walks into the head "guys" office, tells him the problem is solved and walks out. The guy just gives her that " what the fuck" look....

THAT is why women should make all the decisions. Men should stick to what they are good at...golf, drinking, and shooting shit !!!

It's Friday !!! It's Friday !!!

2007-09-14T07:38:00.000-05:00

I wish it was 4:30 on Friday, but it is Friday none the less.

Let's see, do you really want to know my schedule????

Okay, check this out....

Reagan's soccer game: 9:00
Ryan's baseball game: 10:30
Ryan's soccer game: 1:30

Can we say busy??

Tomorrow night is basically a free night. Hey Teresa... we should do dinner!!! Oh wait....is that the night of the "party" you are going to? LOL !!!!! Call me and we can discuss !!!!

I saw the halloween superstore opened up by me. I guess I will go there and scope out costumes. I am hoping that someone actually has an "adult" halloween party this year. That would be some fun times !!!

Okay folks, seven days until I go to Dallas to visit my best friend. Actually, my other best friend from here in houston is going with me. This is an annual trip that Sash and I take. It is a weekend of straight up balls to the wall good times. Christi.....I CAN'T WAIT !!!!!! The three of us are trouble together...but in a good way.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great weekend !! I am awful at updating this thing on Sat. and Sundays. I will try to post the outcome of Ry's opening game. I have no clue what position he is playing, but the most important thing is that he plays 100% no matter where he is on the field !!!

Happy Friday!!

2007-09-13T08:23:00.000-05:00

I am trying out a new "theme" so to speak. It won't stay, but these days it fits me!! I don't really have anything interesting to blog about.

Oh, yesterday Rae had the WORST tantrum I have ever seen in my life. We get home from daycare and the kids are wanting a snack. I told them no b/c I was about to fix them something for dinner. ( Ry had baseball practice and I wanted to feed them before we left)

Rae: I wwwwaaannnnttt a ssssnnnnnaaaaccckkkk ( I want a snack in 4yr old whiny voice)

Me: Rae, I told you no snack. I am about to fix dinner.

Rae: Buuuttt I nnneeevvveeerrrr hhhhaaaddd a ssssnnnnaaaccckkk ( but I never had a snack).

Me: I said NO!!!

She sits down on the tile floor and starts crying.

Me: Don't start or you will go to your room and there will be no dinner.

Rae looks at me and proceeds to scream at the top of her lungs ( and I am talking a shrill scream that could shatter windows !! )

Rae: I HATE YOU !!!! ( there was no whining, just straight up I hate you!! )

I was seeing RED. She proceeded to stand up and scream and scream and scream !!!!!

What did I do??? I started laughing. I couldn't help it. She was so mad and so pissed off about a snack!!!

Me: You have got to be kidding me. Rae go to your room.

Rae: NO!!!!!

Me: Go to your room NOW !!!

Rae stomps up the stairs and slams her door. Shit, I am in trouble in about 10 years. If she does this at 4 what in the hell will she do when she is 14?

Maybe I can get a two for one deal on the military school !!!!

I let her come down when dinner was ready and she ate and apologized. Ugh, what is it with kids?

That was the highlight of my night. Ry had baseball practice and was like a freaking pogo ball out there. He couldn't stay still. I don't know what his problem was.

Oh, I finished my other book. It is "The Plain Truth" by Jodi Picoult. I have read about 5 of her books now and I am on the hunt for more. She is an amazing story teller. I am picky about what authors I like to read and very rarely do I find an author where I want to read EVERYTHING they have ever written. The last author I was this crazy about was Amy Tan. ( she wrote the "Joy Luck Club") I think I have read everything she has written as well. Anyway, I was up until about one reading and then I went to bed. I was so tired that I immediately fell into a deep sleep. I was having the most livid and wonderful dreams. I have always been able to remember my dreams, but last night they were amazing !!!

Time to get to work and get this Thursday over with. We have yet another baseball practice tonight ( 3rd this week). I am going to try to contain my excitement!! ( can you sense the sarcasm? )

need your help...

2007-09-12T08:20:00.000-05:00

I am wanting to rename my blog, but I have no clue what to call it....

I am thinking something like

Baseball and Baby Doll's

Baseball and Butterfly's

Baseball and Bow's

However, part of me wants the title to be about me and not the kids...

Help !!! I suggestions !!!!!

I will create the graphics for it of course and have someone html code it so I can revamp the page....

Come on...I want lots of suggestions...

The day OUR world changed...

2007-09-11T11:59:00.000-05:00

I had just walked into work and my mom came up to me and asked if I had heard about the planes. We turned on the radio and I started watching all the news stations on the internet. My heart shattered into a million pieces. It was unimaginable and terrifying that someone would do this to innocent people. At the same time I was mad. I was mad that someone ended so many lives and tried to destroy America's heart. As Americans we all know that didn't happen.

Our company gave us the option to leave. I left as quickly as possible and picked up Ry at the babysitters. I remember sitting in the living room , holding him, and just crying. I was blessed that my family was safe, but at the same time hundred's of other families were mourning. It is still hard to process to this day.

Also, don't forget the brave men and women who risked their own lives for others. Don't just remember them on this day. Remember them every day. Remember the ones that serve and protect you!!!

Just one beer....

2007-09-11T08:20:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to the gym with Teresa. We had a great work-out, made all the people around us blush with our conversation ( ha ha!! ) and then I went home...or that is where I was on my way to. I drive through my neighborhood and the "dads" are in one of their garages. Okay, so sometime over the past 2 years I think I have become one of the "dads". I have no clue if they even realize I am a girl.

So, I stop to say "hey" and they tell me to grab a beer. I was like, "Okay, but I can only have one beer because I have got to get home" Anyway, the guys are chatting and talking and I am listening to conversations about "guy" stuff I guess. Whoops, the beer is empty, time to head home..." Jill, just have another beer" ( oh and I didn't add that it is Miller Lite which, well, without being snotty...it isn't my drink of choice, but it was there so that is what I drank). " Okay, I will have just one MORE beer". When I finished this beer the dad's wife had come home. She insisted that I stay and have another beer, "Just one beer Jill". Actually I don't think I finished that beer, but none the less I am sure how you can see how "just one beer" can turn into a drunken Monday night. I left soon after that and went home.

I did have "just one beer".....just three times.

Today I have a pounding headache from the small quantity of Miller Lite that I did consume... that folks would be why I do not usually drink Miller Lite. I think next time I hang out with the dad's I will go to the store and get "just one beer" of a brand that won't leave me with a splitting headache.

Off to take more Excedrin....

The costume debacle....

2007-09-10T12:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, I found the costume that I want for Rae....
How stinking cute would she be in this???

that or this...

What do you think?

I don't want any of that fairy shit for her this year !! LOL

the kicker... it is 35.00 !!!

I just asked Rae and she wants to be Bat Girl...sorry mom!!!! However, she will make THE CUTEST batgirl ever !!!

A Monday...

2007-09-10T07:11:00.000-05:00

Today is a Monday and like most Mondays I woke up on the wrong side of the bed...

Okay, most mornings I wake up REALLY early bug, you see, I am NOT a morning person. I never have and I never will be. I am a night owl. Anyway, last night I as up until about midnight or so reading. By the time I turned off the t.v and went to sleep it was around 1:30 or so. Therefore, 5 came REALLY early this morning. I kept hitting snooze. Finally around 5:45 or so I fell someone poking me. It was Rae and she was already awake. This doesn't surprise me since she fell asleep at 6 last night. Anyway, she was ALREADY whining. I told her to go lay on the couch and I would be out there after my shower. I hop in the shower only to realize that my new body wash and razors were in the kitchen...great. I get out and get these things. Rae tries to strike up a conversation with me as I run through the living room clenching my towel and freezing my hiny off. Ack, are you kidding me...a conversation at 5:45... that is NOT going to happen. So, I hop in the shower, get out and again she is waiting for me. ( ready to try for that conversation again... double ack !!! ) So, I get dressed and go to the living room to get Rae dressed. I hear my name being yelled from the shower. Chris is out of soap and needs more. The morning continues like this. Rae keeps talking, Ryan wakes up in a FOUL mood ( he is my child !! ) and is having melt down after melt down. I haven't had two minutes of peace and I am quickly losing it. Finally the kids are in the truck and I am ready to go and.... I can't find my cell phone. I turned it off the night before b/c the batteries were dying so I couldn't even call it to figure out where it went. CRAP !! I spend 15 minutes looking for my POS I like to call a phone and FINALLY get out the door. I was in a better mood the minute I got in my car b/c for once that morning I had PEACE AND QUIET !!!! So,there is my morning... a total Monday.

This week is going be a long one. We have a lot of sports and a lot of stuff going on. As of this morning I am not ready for it... nope not one bit. I am still drained physically and emotionally from this weekend. I hope I find the energy and strength somewhere this week.

Okay, to end this post on a positive note...
Has everyone heard a new song on the radio whose words are like this...
"Baby, where'd you get that body from?" "Baby, where'd you get that body from?"

Okay, well Rae has heard this song somewhere. The other night Rae and I were sitting in the car waiting for Ry to finish up baseball practice and this song came on the radio.
The person on the radio is singing:
"Baby, where'd you get that body from?" "Baby, where'd you get that body from?"

Reagan bust out with the next words ( which really are the words in the song)
"I got it from my Mamma, I got it from my Mamma". I just about peed my pants. She was in tune, on que and said it with such diva attitude. It was so funny. Oh and yep, she is right..I have a feeling Rae is going to be built JUST like me.... poor kid !! LOL

This is easy...

2007-09-09T09:09:00.000-05:00

having one kid. Ry went fishing/boating with Resa and Stephen last night and will be gone all day today. Rae stayed with me. it is 9 in the morning and I haven't had to listen to ANY fighting. Wow !!!! Okay, so a few people have asked about Ry's punishment for the school stuff. Can I just say that Chris sucked big ones when it came to handing down a punishment. Like I said in my last post, I went out Friday after work with Sash so Chris had to handle everything on Friday night. Needless to say, this is what Ry got to do this weeked.

1. Go to soccer practice
2. ( he was going to be able to play in the game, but it got cancelled)
3. Go to the b-day party AND skate and have a good time
4. Go to Drakes.

I am waiting to "see the light" when it comes to this punishment. Am I the only who thinks thathe got NO punishment? Yup, I agree with you, but Chris thinks that Ry will change b/c he talked to him. I have twenty dollars riding on the bet that I get another phonecall in the next 10 days !!!

Well, it is Sunday and I think I get some laundry done and just be lazy today!!
( with a trp to the gym thrown in there !! )

Have a good Sunday everyone!!

Oh, and remember today is Grandparent's day, so tell your grandparent's that you love them !!!

Military School...here we come...

2007-09-07T15:19:00.000-05:00

If you think I am joking, think again. Please, someone, anyone tell me there is a military school for 1st graders. Shit, the child hasn't been in school for 10 days and I am already getting calls.

About an hour ago my phone rings. Here is the conversation:

Teacher: Mrs.H, this is Mrs. G. I am calling regarding Ryan. ( at this point my blood starts to boil. EVERY single call I have ever gotten from his teachers have been on a Friday afternoon !!

Me: Yes, how can I help you?

Teacher: I have been having problems with Ryan this week and I need to discuss them with you. ( Wow, last year at least I got a "Ryan is a very smart little boy and is so loveable and sweet"...nope not this year...this year it is, " Your son pissed me off and you are the parent so f'in do something about it !!")

Me: What has he done this time?

Teacher: Well, I wanted to let you know that I sent a note home about an incident that happened in class on Wednesday.

Me: Yes, I dind't get the note.

Teacher: That is because Ryan finally confessed today that he ripped out the note and threw it away. ( My blood pressure, which is usually uncommonly low is now RISING FASTER AND FASTER !! )

Teacher: I wrote a note because he was misbehaving and talking back to me. I put him in a chair and told him he needed to be quiet. He said, "Make Me!! ". ( ummm, WTH??? If he ever said that to me he would have soap in his mouth in a heartbeat...yup, go ahead and call CPS, but I would MAKE HIM miserable if he thinks he can talk to people like that !! )

Teacher: Once he sat down he started throwing rubber blocks at all the kids in the room. ( again, where is this coming from??? My child is no angel by any means, but he is 6.5 and temper tantrums are usually left to Rae !! ).

Me: ( under my breather)"I am going to kill him !!" ( no I am not really going to kill him, but I will make his life miserable this weekend !! )

Me: I am sorry he is behaving like this, his Dad and I will handle this situation.

The conversation went on for another 10 minutes or so about how CRAPPY Ry has been acting, but I won't translate all of that.

All I know is that Ry is GROUNDED for the weekend which means....
NO SPORTS
NO PARTIES
NO FUN !!!

He will be writing sentences as much as possible. They will read something like this.

I will not be rude to my teacher.
I will not throw things.
I will be quiet in class.
I will sit still on the carpet.
I will not drive my mom crazy anymore.
I will not be a bratty shit anymore. ( okay, not the last two, but you get my point!!)

Good thing I am meeting Sash for drinks after work. I don't think I could handle seeing him right now. I am too mad !!!!!

He better be careful or there will be no baseball next week either!!!

HEATHEN !!!

I got sucked in...

2007-09-07T07:02:00.001-05:00

and I swore I wouldn't...to the MTV show Newport Harbor. Yes, I know this show is for the younger generation, but I can't help but watch it and be fascinated. It brings back sooooo many memories of when I was a teenager. I used to watch Laguna Beach and I loved that show as well. I am so weak I tell you.

So I posted a bulletin on myspace and it was a questionaire thingy about my Senior Year. Well, one of my old friends sent me a message about one of my answers. I realized then just how twisted and crazy things were back then. We were just like the kids on Newport Harbor ( minus driving the Range Rovers and sunbathing on daddy's yacht ). Minus all the money we were pretty much the same. It was all about who liked who, who was hooking up with who, etc...etc... One of the questions was would you go back and do it again. In a heartbeat. Would I make some different decisions? I'm not sure really. I mean now that everything is said and done it all turned out great and in return I have some amazing friends, so who is to say that I would do anything different. All of that made up part of who I am today you know? (even the shittiest, darkest days)

Here are some of my favorite highschool memories ( these aren't all senior year ones)

- After the floods of 94' I remember being trapped in my neighborhood with my parents for like 3 days. The minute I could get out I went straight to Hillary's house and stayed there for 48 hours I think. Our boyfriends were best friends and so were we. I remember hanging out with them and waching movies. We were soooo innocent back then. Gotta love puppy love.

-On the subject of Hillary's house I remember her mom would always make me chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips ( because I didn't eat chocolate for like 5 years.... weird I know, but if you know me you know I am a weird eater anyway). Her mom also made these greenbeans that were TDF. She taught me how to make them and I still make them to this day!! The first bite always reminds me of standing in their kitchen and waiting for them to be ready. Hill-you and I grew apart towards the end of our highschool years, but sooooo many memories are with you in them !!!! Love ya girlie !!!

-I remember one night I snuck out with Lacie and as we were climbing in the bedroom window my mom was standing right there. Bless my mom's heart...she NEVER told Lacie's parents. I think I got grounded for a week or something lame like that (sorry Mom, but you were LENIANT on me....don't know if my kids will be that lucky!!)

-I said this in the bulletin thing, but I remember a party over at Tamara's house and I got a flat tire b/c I ran over a beer bottle. In my drunken mind I thought that I could fix it with duck tape ( let me add here that you CANNOT fix a flat with duck tape). That same night I had to bring Jess home with me b/c she was too drunk to drive ( I had sobered up from the flat tire incident)

- Okay, last one... I remember spending MANY a nights on a certain trampoline ( don't ask MOM !! ) and driving home on the back roads behind my neighborhood. One morning ( Yes Mom, that is where I was coming from when I came home at 7 in the morning) I was driving home and there was an OSTRICH in the middle of the road. There was an ostrich/emu farm behind our neighborhood and I guess one had gotten out. I knew better than to get out of my truck. So, I had to sit there for like 20 minutes until the damn thing would move. To this day Chris doesn't believe me or thinks I was all hyped up on something ( which I was NOT !!! ).

Wow, I have soooo many more, but these are the ones that just popped into my head.

Wait, one more sorry, this one was AFTER highschool, but really funny none the less. Actually I think it was the Christmas after highschool. Okay, so does everyone remember night moves??? Okay, well Christi and I ( and some other people ) went there one night. We chugged cups of vodka and something mixed with it on the way up there and then proceeded to take shots of vodka and crown I believe before we went in. Needless to say we were TRASHED !! It was an interesting night to say the least. Christi, can you say random boys????? Anyway, when we went to take her home her mother was waiting up for her and this was the conversation..LOL just thinking about typing it.

Christi's Mom- Christi are you drunk?
Christi- ( as she leans against the wall to hold herself up)- NO, Mom, I am not DDDDDrunk.
Christi's Mom- Christi are you drunk?
Christ- ( as she begins to crawl her way to the stairs)- No Mom,I am just tired...I am nnnnnoooooottt DDDDDDRunk.

Can you see where this is going? I did not want the wrath of her mom so I quickly slipped out of the house and took my happy ass home !! LOL Christi's mom thought I was a bad influence on her. Nope, not the case, we just didn't make the best decisions together sometimes !!

I had hit publish post, when I thought of one more..

-This happened the summer after my senior year. Kam and I hung out ALL the time. I remember one night ( in the middle of the week ) we decided to go party at our friend's lake house ( ON LAKE LIVINGTSTON !!!! ). I kind of remember that night (again sorry Mom, I wasn't as innocent as you thought, you might want to stop reading now !! LOL ). Kam, that was the night where I to decide between two guys right??? LOL Anyway, I remember waking up the next morning ( well it was 10 in the morning) and thinking OH SHIT WHERE AM I? Here is the kicker...I had a job that summer as an intern at a REAL company. I had to call in and make up some crap about being sick. Oh and with the mention of Kam, can I just say that whole summer was one big FUN memory!!! I could go on and on about that one. We were nuts girl. I think the whole Friday soundtrack was our motto to live by that summer. Lova ya chica !!

Okay, done now and hitting publish post !!

Time to myself...

2007-09-05T06:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just need some time to myself. Last night Ry had baseball practice and while I was sitting there reading my book ( yet another Jodi Picoult book )I had this overwhelming urge that I needed to get the hell out of there and be by myself. There was no reason for it, but I just needed to get away. Ry was practicing, Rae was running around and I really just needed some peace and quiet. Once Chris got there I quickly packed up my stuff and headed to the gym. I already had my work-out clothes with me so I quickly changed and hit the machines.

There is something about being in the zone, feeling sweat drip down your body and letting all the thoughts of the day go with each step on the elliptical. As I focus on the words of the book I am reading I find myself engrossed in another world, in someone elses life and for a little bit, I escape. ( not that I am escaping from anything bad, but we all need a break every now and then ). As my heart beats faster and faster I put the book down and deal with the emotions and bullshit of the day. Sometimes it is processing happiness, other times it is processing stress. Whatever the case may be for some reason the gym is like therapy for me. Especially when I go alone. As I make my way over to the recumbant bike ( because my knee is throbbing, thank you drill-team...ugh) I sit down and start pedaling as fast as my legs will go. My legs are burning and with each cycle I want to stop, but I know I have to keep going and going. That is the way life is you know? Sometimes you want it to stop for a few minutes so you can catch your breath, but we all know that isn't possible. I close my eyes and start processing all my thoughts. I sort out the things that need done at work, home, etc... I plan out a make-shift schedule of the week so I am not frantically trying to get the kids from here to there and so that I can try to get a grip on my scatterbrainedness. ( is that a word? ) When my time is up on the bike I stop and slowly stand up. My legs are shaking and room is slightly spinning. I love this feeling. Why? I don't know, but I have always loved that feeling of having everything drained from me. I take a drink of water and head over to the machines/weights. I work on my problem area...my legs... ack, it is not as easy to get my legs skinny as it was in highschool, damn getting old is hard sometimes. I climb onto one of the machines and as I am doing leg presses my muscles feel like they are on fire. My legs begin shaking and again I close my eyes and put my head back and enjoy the burn. Eventually I am done with my work-out. I feel like a new person. I am ready to go home and leave behind anything that was bothering me, stressing me out, or embrace the thing that is making me happy.

When I got home last night the kids were fed, showered and already in bed. Chris did good. It was a good night. No, not that I don't want to see my kids at night, but I feed them, give them a shower, and put them to bed the majority of the time so having a night off was nice. I wasn't totally off the hook though. At 1 in the morning Rae came to my room. I was exhausted and couldn't even have the middle of the night battle with her. Therefore, she won and got to sleep with me. Yep, I was weak last night !!!

Anyway, so that was my night last night. I will probably go back to the gym tonight. It is Wednesday and I don't have much else going on. The kids can play in the kid area while I do a rinse and repeat of last night. This gym membership is much cheaper than therapy I tell you !!

In depth...

2007-09-04T09:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I am finally at work and I am able give you a few updates about the weekend.
First off, I apologize that I kept saying Memorial Day. Yes,I know it was Labor Day, but please remember that I have two children and I forget what day of the week it is most of the time. I am lucky to remember Christmas !!!

So, yesterday was fun. We went over to my sister's house to swim and my niece Jenna had a friend over playing. Her name is Lindsey ( the friend, not my niece ). Lindsey is 6 and Ryan thought she was soooo pretty. The funny thing is that Lindsey has a crush on Ry as well. As sweet as I thought this was,it kind of freaked me out. I mean, I knew that there would be a day where Ry would start liking Jenna's friends. I just didn't know it would be at 6 yrs old. We were eating dinner at my parents and Ry was very adamant that Lindsey sit by him. Awwwwwww !!!!!

Then we went to see baby Emma. I thought Rae would be all excited about it, but do you know who was the most inquisitive??? Ryan !!! He told me that he wanted a little brother... Sorry kiddo, not gonna happen !!!!! The LAST thing that I need is a baby. Baby Emma is gorgeous and sweet and I didn't want to give her back !!!

I finally got a new card reader so I was able to upload all the pictures. I figured I would put the big ones on my blog, but all you really have to do is click on the picture and you can see the big version on it, so I am not going to waste my time!!

Today I am back at work. Rain is in the forecast, which is quite depressing. Rae is suuposed to have soccer practice today, however I wouldn't be surprised if it got rained out. What doesn't get rained out these days?????

Labor Day...

2007-09-03T20:52:00.001-05:00

It was a great day !!!
I have lots and lots of pictures to share!!!

I can't access my photobucket account right now, so I am going to have to upload them in blogger for now. I will put big pics up tomorrow. This is for now !!!

These first ones are when we first got to my sister's house. It was in front on her barn.

These next ones are of the kids swimming. The adults were drinking wine !! LOL

This next set is from my parent's house. The kids were all playing on the tire swing and having a blast.

These last one's are baby Emma !!! Gretch had her on Wednesday. Isn't she beautiful???? She is soooo sweet. I didn't want to put her down.

Okay, hope you enjoy all the pics !! I will blog in the morning about the events of the day, but for now, here are the pics !!

It wasn't that bad...

2007-09-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

Splashtown that is... I was dreading going. It is always crowded and the lines are always too long. That wasn't the case today. We got there at 10:00 ( when it opened ) and did all the water slides first. Rae is finally tall enough to ride most of them. My little dare devil loved them !! She went down so many times. The lifeguards freaked out a few times b/c she was small, but she held on and stayed in the tube each time. Ry and Rae loved the wave pool. I managed to work on the tan some and I even rode some rides. Overall, we had a really good time. I am trying to relax so that I can start cleaning the house soon. Blech !! I want to get it over with tonight though.

Not much else to say. I hope everyone had as great of day as I did and that they were able to enjoy their family as well !!

It hurts...

2007-09-01T07:27:00.000-05:00

my head that is. It is 7;30 on a Saturday morning and I can't sleep. I am hungover and sitting here with a headache. I am supposed to take the kids to splashtown today, now that one is going to be fun !!! ( can you sense the sarcasm? ) I had fun last night, but feel like crap today because of it. Mom, don't lecture me on drinking okay?

Anyway, I am sitting here in a quiet household. The kids are still asleep and I am sitting in the recliner updating the blog. I have a lot going on this weekend so I will update when I can. I am hoping to get some new pics of the kids this weekend. I am not taking my camera to splashtown, so it won't be from there LOL Maybe if I get the house clean tonight I will take them to do some pics tomorrow morning before our little get together. I need to get Rae's hair trimmed, but don't want a pair of scissors to go near her. Her hair is finally getting long again !!!

Okay, so my early morning ramblings are over. Before I end this I am going to post some quotes that I have found over the years and these are just the ones I have found about life so to speak. I have TONS of ones about families and kids, but that can be another post !!

"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light."
-Albert Schweitzer

"You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without."
-unknown

"Within you I lose myself
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again."
-Unknown

The only way to have a friend is to be one.
* Ralph Waldo Emerson

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
Ben Stein

Who would have thunk it???

2007-08-31T12:11:00.001-05:00

Okay,so I have been putting PRESCRIPTION drops in my eyes ever since they got irritated on Wednesday. My eyes have not been getting better. They still been dry, red and throbbing. So,I ask one of my co-workers if she has any regular eye drops. She had run of the mill Visine. So, I use it and gues what????? My eyes are back to normal !! So,I go to Walgreens to pick some up during lunch and I asked the pharmacist about that. She asked me if I had sensitive eyes...yup !! She said I was probably allergic to the prescription eyes drops. So, I have been making my eyes MORE irritated by using them. This is SOOOOO my luck. Anyway,I am happy that my eyes are now back to a normal color. I can probably even put my contacts back in my eyes tonight. woo hoo !! Who would have thunk it??

That sweet smile....

2007-08-31T06:37:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a smile can do wonders.

Last nigh the kids fell asleep in the car on the way home. I put them to bed without a bath knowing that I would have to get them up early and have them take a shower today.

This morning I had to be at work early, so I had to drag the kids out of bed around 5:30. They were troopers to say the very least. Rae said that her eyes weren't working, so I told her to get in the shower and I would wash her hair for her. I told her the warm water would help wake her up. So, I give her a shower and she gets out and says,
"Thank you Mommy, my eyes are working now, you made it all better" and she gave me that sweet smile. I helped her get dressed and put a pony tail in her hair. " I look like Mommy today", then that sweet smile again.
You know, I was dreading today. Work has been rough this week, but that little girl's smile makes me realize that everything is going to be okay. I know that no matter what happens today that she will have that smile waiting for me. Before I left the house I gave her a hug and a kiss and once again I looked down to see that sweet smile. Children are amazing. God is good.

This is the "sweet smile" that melts my heart every time !!

All Girls Team????

2007-08-30T15:19:00.000-05:00

So, I just got an email from the coach of Reagan's soccer team. It is an all girls team !!! OMG, what is she going to do? If you think I am joking, I am not. Reagan LOVES to play with little boys and it is pretty much the only thing she knows. There are a few little girls that she plays with at school and when friends come over, but for the most part it is boys. So, yes, Rae is starting soccer this year. It is going to be interesting. The girl LOVES to run. She is almost as fast as her brother. She certainly did not pick up the speed from me !! LOL Ummm, mom, no comments from you on this one please. Ry is playing soccer as well. That one is going to be hard to juggle with baseball, but we will do it.

My late sleeping Saturdays are now gone again. I will now be at the soccer fields at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday morning with my cup of starbucks and back up Diet Coke. I do not like the sport of soccer, but sign the kids up because they want to. Personally it bores the hell out of me and all I get out of it is socialization. I hope they do not expect make-up or hair in anything but a pony-tail. It is not going to happen.

Oh, funny thing...okay so you know how I have said that a lot of parents work for Miller Lite? Okay, well last year one of the parents got ahold of black ski hats that had "Miller Lite " on them. Well, I think 4 or 5 of our little guys wore them during soccer !! It was hilarious to see a field of 4 boys with black ski hats,and then you get up close and they were all walking billboards for Miller Lite. I promise we really are good parents.

Son of a sailor...

2007-08-30T07:39:00.000-05:00

I love that Jimmy Buffet song. One of Chris's best friends is a Jimmy Buffet freak and I remember Nick always playing Jimmy Buffet whenever we would go to shoot pool. Ahhhhh, those were some fun days. That summer was so much fun. I saw my best friend almost every day ( cause she dated Nick for a little bit) and we did so much together. I miss you Christi !!!

Anyway, so I just had to post about that b/c it is on my computer's playlist and as I was opening my blog it started to play. Isn't it odd how different songs remind you of different people?

Okay, so here are some of my songs that I have on my playlist that bring back memories of old friends.

Lucky ( by Seven Mary Three)- I had never heard this song until college. I used to drive back my friend Eric Mees sometimes on the weekends and one day he made me listen to this song....I was HOOKED !!!! It has been one of my favorite songs ever since and I think it might even be on Ashley's top 10 list too.

Piano Man ( Billy Joel )- This is 100% me and Ashley's song. I am not sure how we figured out that we both loved this song, but we did and it has been "ours" ever since !!

Tiny Dancer ( Elton John)- I don't know why but this song reminds me of Rae. Maybe it is how I imagine her to be as a grown woman. I am not sure, but she is my little tiny dancer. ( well except for the "lay me down in sheets of linen" line LOL )

I Am The Greatest ( Kenny Rogers)- I made a DVD video about 2 yrs ago for Ryan's baseball team and I used this song. Ever since it has ALWAYS reminded me of him. I love it !!

Silent All These Years- ( Tori Amos) - This reminds me of my old college roommate. We used to drive around Nacagdoches and listen to that song. We thought we were bad ass girls !! Just kidding !!!

Everything That Glitters Is Not Gold ( Dan Seals)- This reminds me of my childhood and of driving in the car with my mom. That was ALWAYS "my" song. I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't know that song.

I don't think I can add audio files to this blog...I will try to figure it out though!!

Anyway, so my eye is irritated and all red again. Work ROYALLY pissed me off yesterday and made me cry. I HATE to cry and when I do, everything and anything that I am feeling comes pouring out. I bawled for like an hour, however I did get taken out to lunch by the DBC ( Dakota Blue Crew) so that I could feel better.
Anyway, I had my contacts in yesterday and by the end of the day that eye was all irritated again. I put my glasses on once I got home and now I have to wear them for at least 2-3 days. BOO !!!!

When I picked up Rae yesterday from school I was told she had a REALLY bad day. She was crying that she was hungry. Her teacher told me that she barely eats at school. That doesn't surprise me. She is a VERY picky eater and when she does eat she eats like a bird. She is just fine only having 2 meals a day. I hope today is better for her.

Ry is liking his teacher I guess...he hasn't told me much.

Teresa and I went to the gym last night. My legs are SOOOOOO sore today. It is funny, when T and I are at the gym I think we believe that no one can hear our conversations. LOL Oh my, half the stuff we talk about could make a grown man blush, so I am sure the sweet little lady behind us on the treadmills was getting an ear full !! LOL After we worked out we got in the hot tub and chatted for awhile. That hot water felt SOOOOO nice and I think I would be in even more pain today if I hadn't done that.

Anyway, that is what is going on right now. I will try to work on getting some audio files of my favorite songs on here !!

I need a drink...

2007-08-28T12:28:00.000-05:00

or something. Okay, so I get to work to get all of these checks ready and guess what???? The money wasn't transferred... ummm, okay, so I am not answering ANY phone calls today !! I am done. I am sooo tired of putting these people off day in and day out. Soooo, instead of a drink I think I will go hit the gym again after work. What sucks is that I finished the book I was reading last night. ( the book I have been reading at the gym ) That means that the time on the elliptical is REALLY going to be long and boring. Maybe I should skip the work out and go straight to the hot tub today. Too bad that doesn't burn calories.

So, Labor Day is coming up and I am having a party at the house. It should be fun, however that means I will be cleaning Saturday after I get home from Splashtown. Yes, you heard it right I am taking the kids to Splashtown. I really don't like the place. I think it has gone downhill, but the kids like it. We haven't taken them yet this year and we have free tickets. I am going with Stephen and Theresa. I am sure Ry is going to make me stand in all those long lines and go down all those rides. I am sorry, but after going to Schlitterbaun in New Braunsfels, Splashtown doesn't compare !!! I would rather float the lazy river all day and get a tan, but I don't see Ry and Rae being okay with that.

Okay, a few people have emailed me asking when I would be posting new pictures. Ummmm, when I get a new card reader and when I have the time. It has been so hot lately that they would be all sweaty in the pictures. However, it is supposed to rain in the next few days and I REALLY want to get some pictures of the kids playing in the rain. I just need to get my camera covered and protected for that. I have so many ideas for photoshoots, but I just need the time to do them. I promise some will be coming soon.

Can I go back to sleep....

2007-08-28T05:46:00.000-05:00

It is 5:45 and I am already at work. I have soooo much to do today. I was complaining of being bored yesterday and today, well my deadline is 8 a.m to make about 50 vendors happy. So, I crawled out of bed at 4:45 so that I accomplish this. I should have stopped at Starbucks or gotten a Red Bull somewhere. I hope my co-workers don't come in to find me passed out asleep on my desk. Please let today be over with soon.

On another note, I had a HUGE scare yesterday !! So, at 3:15 yesterday my work decided to give me all the info for our new accounts etc and expected me to cut ALL needed vendor checks by 4:00. I laughed at them. So, I started scrambling to start this rushed process and my phone rings. It was Ryan's school.

School- "We have Ryan here in the front office. He was supposed to be picked up by 3:15"

Me- "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, ( this was an aggrevated, worried, and scared UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM) he was SUPPOSED to be picked up by Kids R Kids !!!! "

School- "That is what Ryan told us but Kids R Kids said they didn't have him on their list"

I start to panic at this point.

Me- "I am an hour away !!!!!"

School- " Do you have anyone that can pick him up?"

Me- "I don't know.... I will figure something out and call you right back"

I call Kids R Kids and give them a good lashing about not getting Ryan, etc...etc... They say I didn't sign the release and paperwork. At this point I am embarrased b/c unfortunately I am VERY scatterbrained and I had dropped the ball.

Kids R Kids- "We will go get Ryan right now"

Okay, so problem solved. Anyway, I get to Kids R Kids that afternoon and guess what???????? When we opened Ryan's file I HAD signed the release and everything !! They were apologetic and Ryan was fine. However, that kind of stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME !!!!

Ry enjoyed his first day and didn't get in trouble !! ( I am trying to look on the bright and positive side of things this year !! )

So, we were supposed to have baseball practice, but it got rained out. I was looking forward to it. Practice always means the kids get worn out. Mother Nature had other plans. The sky opened up and poured buckets of rain an hour before practice. CRAP !! The good thing about that is that I was able to go to the gym a little early. Theresa met me there and once again proceeded to kick my ass. ( sorry for the language guys, but you know me !! ) Seriously, the girl wanted to go to a body and soul class after we had already been working out for 45 minutes !! You crazy girl????? Oh and I think they need to make a special gym just for 15-21 yr olds. I think Lifetime Fitness is their new social hang out spot. They were EVERYWHERE !!! They can however leave the hotties to work out... gotta love some good eye candy while you are trying not to act like a wimp and only lift 20 lbs ( my poor arms are sooo weak !! ). I am waiting for the pain from last night to set in. Thanks T for the workout and I will see you Wednesday night. Hey, remember your suit so that we can hit the hot tub afterwards !!!!!

I finished my book ( if you haven't you need to read The Pact by Jodi Picoult... very good book !! ) tonight and crashed. 5 hours later here I am at work. Being a grown-up sucks sometimes. Why can't I be a 15 yr old again who hangs out at Lifetime Fitness with the hotties.... a girl can dream can't she???

oh oh oh...one more thing.... I have 3 new favorite websites. Warning: theres adult subject matter. No, not any pictures, but just some of the stuff people say. I never knew some moms were SOOOOOO miserable. Makes me thankful for the life I do have.

www.truemomconfessions.com
www.truedadconfessions.com
www.trueofficeconfesstions.com

The dad one can get raunchy, but hilarious !!!

First Day of School...

2007-08-27T06:41:00.000-05:00

Ry starts first grade today. I took him on Friday to meet the teacher. AWWWWWWW !!! He is growing up so fast. He was soooo excited for today. This comes as a shock to me b/c at the end of the school year last year he told me he was never going back. A Kindergarten drop out....what fun !! I am glad he changed his mind and has decided to continue his education. I am really tired of reading the screens on the x-box games and gameboy. I took him to get his haircut yesterday. It is back in full on military style. I don't know why I keep it so short, but I can't stand the scruffy look. Oh this brings me back to the M.A.S.K. days !! Okay, some of you know what I am talking about...others do not. Please let me take a minute to explain. When Ry and Rae were little I was known for keeping them extremely well groomed and cleaned. I FREAKED out at Ry's first b-day b/c he got orange frosting all over him. I truly hated for them to be dirty. Anyway, not only did I not like for my kids to look scruffy, but it bothered me when other kids looked scruffy. I mean come on moms, how long does it take to wash their face, clean the boogies out of their nose and brush their hair? Anyway, so I always said I was the founding member of M.A.S.K.- Mother's Against Scruffy Kids. As the years have gone on I have gotten lax and I truly think that if I had more than 2 kids that I would probably get booted from M.A.S.K. Rae seems to have taken every step possible to get me banned. I fix her hair and 10 minutes later she has the pony tail pulled out and she has a string of hair in her mouth !! EWWWWW !!!

So, back to the first day of school. I had to get Ry a new lunchbox yesterday. His old one is floating around Kids R Kids right now and who knows if I will ever see it again. He picked out a lunch box that looked like it would fit 4 lunches in it. I had to explain to him that he was 6, not 16. So, I broke his poor little heart and made him get a different one. I am SUCH A MEAN MOMMY !!! I also got him a new backpack. Okay....no flames.....we got him a New York Yankees sling back pack. The kid loves the Yankees for some reason. I still haven't figured it out. His favorite baseball teams are the Yankees, Cubs, Astros, and the Indians ( just b/c it has a smiling indian as the mascot !! LOL ).

I will update you and let you know how it goes. Last year Ryan had an issue w/ keeping his mouth shut and staying on task in class. Part of me is afraid that he got his Daddy's ADD, but I think society medicates children too fast. That is the easy way out. If Ryan did have ADD, it would only be slight from what I have seen and I think kids CAN fully function through that. When I was a kid only a small small handful of kids had ADD. There was only one who I remember who really needed his meds... MARK !!!!!

Whoa, I am getting off topic left and right here. Not sure what topic I was really on. We have baseball practice tonight which means he practices until close to 8:30, then has to go home, get a shower and go to bed. ( I feed him before practice folks !! ) His teacher will LOVE him tomorrow. Oh, so you know how I was sooo excited to get lots of sleep this weekend? Yeah well, last night not so much. I was ALMOST asleep, then I heard it... BEEP.... 1 minute later BEEP. Why in the hell do smoke detector batteries ALWAYS go out b/w the hours of midnight and 3 a.m.? So, I had to get up around 1 and change the battery. Two hours later I fell asleep. Two hours later I was awake for work. Sucks huh?

Okay, I have rambled enough and who knows if you actually got through this whole post !!!

Oh, T I need some more medicine !!! I am in pain right now girlie...guess I will run out to Walgreens.

So far so good...

2007-08-25T09:16:00.001-05:00

This morning we all slept in. Okay, wel I slept in until 9:00. My kids were up at 8:00, but turned on the t.v., got a snack and Ry proceeded to Heely around the house while Rae got her eyes to work. ( this can be a long process for Rae) Anyway, bless their souls, the kids let me sleep in !!! Get this....I fell asleep around 11:30 last night and got to sleep until 9:00....did you get that??? 9.5 hrs of blessed sleep !! That is usually what I get in two nights combined. Today is going to be a good day, I can tell. The kids are watching poke'mon ( I think that is what this whacked out show is )It is 9:20 and we are supposed to start cleaning at 9:30. I think we can knock this out in about 2 hrs or so. Then I have to clean out my hell whole of a Nissan that manages to collect a closet worth of the kids clothes, 4 pairs of shoes and who knows how many empty juice boxes every week. Once that mission has been accomplished I think I am going to take the kids swimming. It is a GORGEOUS day and I need to darken the tan !!

For now I am waiting for my Diet coke to kick in so that I can start my morning of cleaning. We all know that Diet Coke is essential in getting me going every morning !!

2 more days until school starts....

2007-08-24T20:26:00.001-05:00

I CANNOT wait for Ry to go back to school. How I long for those days when he is so mentally and physically exhausted that he cannot question every decision I make as a mother !!

Ryan: Can we go over to John's house...
Me: Ummmm, NO
Ryan: Why?
Me: Because we aren't going anywhere tonight.
Ryan: Why?
Me: Because we need a night at home to rest.
Ryan: Why?
Me: Because we have to get up in the morning and clean house.
Ryan: WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYY???? ( this would be a long drawn out whining why)
Me: Because we clean every saturday morning Ryan ( or at least we try tee hee )
Ryan: Okay, can Cameron come over to play?
Me: No
Ryan: WWWWWHHHHYYYYYY?

I am going to erase the word why out of his vocabulary !!

He asks WHY about everything??? It is like he has regressed to being two again !!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!

Pet Peeves....

2007-08-23T12:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, as the day has progressed little things keep getting on my nerves so I am going to try to "flush" the bad vibes and write down my pet peeves on here !!!

( in no particular order )

1. People who use ALL CAPS when they are emailing me...Come on people, we all know that is the equivalance of yelling at someone over the computer. Also, if you ARE going to yell at me and you personally know me, then pick up the damn phone or better yet do it in person !!!

2. People who wear navy with black... ack ack and double ack !! I am sorry, but those colors DO NOT match, nor do they even blend. If you can't tell that you put on black pants accidentally with your navy top then it is time to change the light bulbs in the closet !!! ( I also think I am sensative to this considering I was forced to match my dad's black and navy blue socks from the time I could tell colors !! )

3. People NOT communicating when in fact our relationship demands that we communicate !! For example, today at work I was told that our custom DB homes were going into a new accounting software...ummm, lets see, I am the accounting manager...think they should have told me??? I DO !!!

4. People who assume that petite women can eat whatever they want b/c they are petite.... ummm, I am small because I DON'T eat that crap !!

There is more to come I am sure... This is all I can think of at this EXACT moment !!

My 3 a.m convo with a 4 yr old....

2007-08-23T06:58:00.000-05:00

Yep, you read it right... okay, so I was EXHAUSTED last night and fell asleep watching the news. Off to dreamland I went. ( oh and if you know how jacked up my sleep has been lately, me falling asleep before 10:30 is as rare as my kids going 20 minutes without tattling or fighting !! )

So, I am peacefully asleep then all of a sudden I feel a nudge. I open my eyes and see Rae. CRAP !!! Here is our conversation that followed.

ME: Rae, what's wrong, why aren't you in bed?
RAE: I CCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN'TTTTTTTTTTT Sleep in there, it is tooooooooo scary.
ME: Rae, you need to get back in bed mommy is sleeping.
RAE: I want to get in bed with yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!
( if you haven't figured it out yet, all the drawn out words are her whining, yes WHINING at 3 in the morning !!!! )
ME: No, you know you are not allowed to get in Mommy and Daddy's bed. ( OKay, some of you might be thinking that I am mean mommy about this, but( and this might be TMI LOL )Chris sleeps in the buff and well it is inappropriate as far as I can tell for a 4 yr old to be in the bed with that being the case )
RAE: PPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE ( hey, at least she used some manners while whining )
ME: Look Rae, you can go get on the couch, in bed with your brother, or back into your bed. I don't care, but mommy is going back to sleep.

I wait a second and see her contemplating her options.

RAE: But sleeping on the couch scares me now and BBBBBBUUUUUUUUBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAA won't move over for me to get in his bed. Hey Mommy, you know what? ( CRAP CRAP Triple CRAP !! When Rae says "you know what?" then she has a LOT on her mind and she can go on forever!! )
ME: Ummm, Rae, I am not having a "you know what" converstation right now. It is late.
RAE: But mommy, I want to tell you about my dream... there were these girls and they were....
ME: Seriuosly RAE, you can tell me about your dreams tomorrow. Better yet, go back to bed and keep dreaming good dreams.
RAE: But, I CAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTT !!! I am aaaaaaaffffffrrrrrraaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiddddddddddd!! I want to sleep with yyyyyyyyooooooooouuuu!!!
Whatever Rae, all I know is that you are not getting in here. Figure something out.
RAE: BBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT IIIIIIIIIII'MMMMMMMMMMMM SSSSSSCCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDD !!!! ( that would be But I'm Scared all drawn out and dramatic )
ME: That sounds like a personal problem Rae, Mommy is done talking and I am going to sssssssssssssllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppp. Go find somewhere to sleeeeepppppp!!!!! ( at this point I am broken down to whining also and I am contemplating waking her Daddy up and telling him to finish the conversation !! )

I close my eyes and hear walk off. Yes, mission accomplished !! Finally, back to sleep !! I had no clue where she had decided to go back to sleep at. As long as it was in the locked compound of my house I really didn't care !!

Fast forward to this morning... I had to be at work by 6 so I was trying to be quiet and keeps light to a minumum. Needless to say, I go into the living room to see her sleeping on the couch. I won I won I won !!!!!!!! I swear this girl is going to be the death of me !!!!! Her brother has always slept like an angel, she however power sleeps ( in like 3-4 hour shifts ) and it drives me NUTS !!!!

Little League Heaven...

2007-08-22T18:51:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am in little league heaven !! Folks, it has been 6 straight days of little league world series games, and there is only more to come. Seriuously, I could watch this all day long !! Ryan lays on the couch with me and we discuss pitching strategies, batting stances, how all the lefties are playing ( he is a lefty so of course he is intrigued by other lefties ). Anyway, I LOVE this time of year....almost as much as Christmas !!

Right now we are watching Mexico vs. Venezuela. Mexico is an amazing little team. I going to call it now that I think Mexico and Lubbock will end up in the finals. Call it a hunch !!

Trying to be better...

2007-08-21T07:32:00.000-05:00

I am trying to be better about updating the blog this week. Things have calmed down a little at work. I have gotten used to getting here at 6:15-6:30 every morning. If anyone knows me then they know that I am NOT a morning person so most people around here know not to talk to me until about 9:00.

Ryan starts baseball practice with the Legends today. I can't wait to see how that one goes. All the kids on the team are really good. I think Jared's mom is going to try pitching. This should be very funny. When she was over at the house on Sunday for the cook out we had Ryan's pitching net set up and she was "pitching" into it. She was doing really good !! Want to know the catch??? She had been drinking. We are thinking that we will start a Legends tail-gating ( did I just spell that right? ) before every game !! LOL If you know anything about the rents on the team, then you would know that we would win in a drinking contest every time. Shoot, half the team works for Houston Distributing ( Miller Lite here in Houston). So, we have that tonight. Maybe I will take the kids swimming afterwards. Swimming is always good for wearing them out before bed.

I know...I know...

2007-08-18T10:59:00.000-05:00

It has been too long since I have updated this. I am sorry, but things just got crazy hectic.

My company got bought out a little over a week ago, which means that they streamlined. Luckily, the president is able to still have 100% full control of the company. The person who bought out the company just wants financial control.
Luckily my job is 100% safe... however it is too safe. I had to take over a couple departments and it has me on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I am mangaging the marketing, advertising, and accounting depts of the company now. I have been going into work at 6 every morning just so that I can stay caught up. It has been CRAZY. However, when I get stressed a couple of things happen. The first... I can't sleep. I have issues sleeping as it is, but this just impounds the problem. I have been getting about 3-4 hrs a night MAX right now of sleep. The second thing is that is terribly hard to eat. I have to force myself to stay energized with lots of protein and healthy foods. I am hoping this is a temporary issue at work. I love my company and I will not find another job. They treat me awesome and value that my family comes before them. I can't ask for anything better than that. Okay, enough said on the negative things.

So, is everyone here in the houston area ready for Hurricane Dean? Chris wanted me to stock up on water, batteries, gas, etc... I said yes to the other stuff....but gas???? Ummmm, after learning my lesson during Rita, I am not going anywhere !!

When you grow up in this area you just learn to embrace these storms and pray for the best !!

Last night was our monthly bunco night. It was a blast !!!! I love those girls. We played for a little bit, chatted it up as usual, drank our drink of choice, and then hit up a bar. Unfortunatley, once we got to the bar I started to feel yucky. The stomach in knots and the stress started creeping back in. So, I went home early. Still, I had sooooo much fun !!!

Today I am cleaning house...ummm, well I wil be when I get off the computer. The kids are supposed to be cleaning their rooms, but I am not sure how that is going. Maybe I can sneak the kids to the pool before it starts pouring.

Anyway, I will try to be better about updating the blog this week.

Kid Free Weekend...

2007-08-12T17:49:00.000-05:00

The thought of a kid free weekend brought thoughts of fun times and wild night... bwa ha ha was I wrong ! The kids left on Thursday morning so I went and had drinks with my girls... Ummm, always a fun times... darts, awkward turtles, goals in life, etc etc !! LOL I guess you had to be there to understand. Anyway, I was supposed to go out dancing Friday, but I was feeling yucky and tired from Thursday night. I cuddled up on the couch and watched 4 hrs of the little league world series regional comp ( yes i know i am a huge giant little league dork for doing this !! LOL ) I slept all alone in my big ole bed and got to sleep late. I literally layed on the couch and watched yet more little league. I went to dinner with Todd and Gretchen. Gretchen is due next weekend so I am ready for her to pop that little baby out !! I can't wait to meet baby Emma.
My throat had started to get a little scratchy yesterday, but I woke up today feeling like I had gotten run over by a freight truck. I have watched movies all day. So, my kid free weekend turned into a t.v loving little league baseball fest. Hmmm, actually I probably needed it to chill out. I tend to be on edge a lot these days.

I wish I had some funny quips and such, but I don't considering i still feel like crap. I am excited to see my kiddos and kiss and hug them again !!

Ryan should start practice with the Legends this week. I am excited to get him back into the baseball groove. I had DVR'd all the games from the weekend so that he can watch them. There are some amazing teams on there.

Anyway, I will get all the kids stories from this weekend and post them tomorrow.

la dee da...

2007-08-07T19:01:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here updating my blog as the kids are "supposed" to be taking a shower and getting ready for bed. Truthfully, I think they are playing in their rooms, but at least they are not fighting. Chris had softball games tonight, so it is just me and the kids !! Chris woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and has been in a foul mood all day long. It is probably a good thing that he is doing "guy" things tonight. However, with all the fishing and softball going on lately I am thinking that a girls happy hour is soon in order. Hmmm, yep, I won't have the kids on Thursday ( they are going to g'mas), there it will be happy hour time for sure !!
Decision made.

What else? Hmmm, still loving the new job. I am soooo busy, but that is a good thing !! Like I said Rae and Ryan are going to their grandma's Thursday-Sunday. I am nervous b/c Rae has never been away from me that long. I think she is going to freak out truthfully. Oh well, if it gets too bad we can always go to get her on Saturday. I am sure we will do some fun things while we are kidless. Who knows, after this weekend g-ma might get them more often !! Ummm, PROBABLY NOT !!

Well, time to get the kids in bed. ( yes, they do go to bed at 7:30 some nights )

Park Pics...

2007-08-06T16:49:00.000-05:00

We were at the park and I got some pics. The kids had a blast. We had a picnic, played, explored trails and watched the ducks and squirrels.

There are lots of pics !!!

Ryan looks real thrilled huh?

I am pissed...

2007-08-05T19:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight has been crappy. My feelings are out of whack and I am just down right pissed.

First of all, Chris got into a screaming match with the ump of Ryan's last game of the season and got himself thrown out. Okay, what kind of grown man fights with a teenager about 7U little league? I am pissed that he does not have enough self control to keep his mouth shut. It embarrasses me, Ryan and my whole family. I was so upset that I couldn't even go to Ryan's end of season party. I feel bad for missing it, but I will make sure that Ry knows that I am proud of him. However, I feel that a point needs to be made to Chris that I WILL NOT in any fashion support his decision to open his mouth and keep ranting. I do not know how to get it across that the world is not all about him. We were already winning by a lot and Chris goes and ruins it.

Okay, time to go calm down.

Time for a change...

2007-08-04T22:38:00.000-05:00

Well, Ryan tried out for the select little league team and made it this weekend. He is now a Legend. It will be sad to say good-bye to the storm, but it is a needed break.

Like I said, tryouts were this morning and then I went and met up with a bunch of moms that I have met online through the gymboree forum. We had a blast. The kids played and the moms got to sit around and visit.

I am not going to post pics of the other kids there since this blog isn't totally private, but here is some of Rae.

Toodles for now !!

Holy marketing job batman....

2007-08-02T17:57:00.000-05:00

Ummmm, WTH , I haven't blogged in about 4 days. That is how busy I have been in my new position. I am busy all 9 hours, and I am loving every bit of it. We are getting the adobe creative suite so that we can bring about 80% of adveritising in house and moi gets to do it. That means more work, but more of doing what I love.

Tonight is Ryan's last game with the storm. If all goes well on Saturday, then he will be part of the Legends. ( which is a true AA Little League team ).

finally...

2007-07-30T09:17:00.000-05:00

I am now in marketing full time. No more accounting !!! I am so excited. Hmmm, so it has been a few days since I have updated, but not a lot has happened.

I cleaned out the kids closets this weekend. Whoa, every time I do that it is a huge reality check. So, I tried on Rae's stuff from last winter. The size 4 pants will work for fall, but I don't think they will last much past that. I have like 5 pairs of 4 Slim and although they are REALLY cute on her, she really has to suck in to button them. So, those are goners. Anyway, I am taking 2 bags of clothes to Once Upon a Child in hopes that they will take about 1/8 of the clothes ( those people are SOOOO picky !! ). The rest I will put on craigslist. I do not have time to bother with ebay.
Anyway, so she has one drawer that is full of shorts sleeve shirts. We ran out of room so we had ot hang the rest. She has another drawer that is full of shorts. Then we have a shelf that is full of 4 stacks of pants, a shelf that is full of pajamas, a shelf that is full of long sleeve shirts, a drawer that is full of panties and bathing suits, and a shelf that is full of sweat shirts... ummm, this is without me fall shopping at all. Plus, we have one side of her closet that is full of dresses and the other side is full of "outfits" of some sort.
Ryan's isn't much better. Those children are swimming in clothes. However, I will still have to buy Rae and Ryan fall/winter clothes b/c they are quickly outgrowing last years.

So, I got their closets clean and organized along with their dressers. Plus, I got about 3/4 of all my laundry done and PUT AWAY !! That is a major accomplishment with me !! I hate putting away clothes and we have a habit of living out of laundry baskets, but I did it !! Plus, I scrubbed my kitchen from top to bottom, mopped all my floors ( except for my bathroom ), that will be Tuesday's venture !!

We bought the movie "Bridge to Tarebithia" for the kids. That movie is soooo good. I cried in it, just like I did when I took the kids to see it at the movies.

I took the kids swimming a few times this weekend. Truthfully, there wasn't much else to do. Sorry I haven't taken any recent pictures. Maybe in the next few days :)

My MLB crush is retiring...

2007-07-25T07:42:00.000-05:00

You heard right. I am in lust with Craig Biggio. After Sep 30th I will no longer be able to watch him play :( Ryan idolizes him and well, I think he is amazingly talented and really hot. I guess he has paid his dues to the Astros and it is time for him to enjoy some family time. WHATEVER !! With this being said, I am SUPER excited to go to the Astros game tonight. We are going with the GHBA ( Greater Houston Builder Association ) . There is nothing better than sitting on the sidelines of a baseball game, drinking a bud light and munching on some stale nachos. I keep hearing that David Beckham is suppose to make soccer huge in America.... oh huh.. I'll believe it when I see it. Personally I think America is way too obsessed with baseball and football to give soccer a chance. Ryan plays soccer, but it bores the hell out of me. We let him play b/c he loves it, but I don't get butterflies in my stomach as we drive up to the soccer field. I do with baseball !! Oh Monday I will finally be out of accounting for good. I will be back in the marketing game full time. We have a new sales and marketing director who is an absolute riot. I created the collateral piece for our new realtor program. I am excited that I will be seeing some of my photography and layout work in print. It will be published in some realtor magazines and such. It is this picture

Here is the maketing piece I created from it... pretty cool huh? I am excited that I did all the work myself. I came up with the concept and created this !! I love being in marketing...I really do !!

Well, off to start my day and finish this week in accounting. I need to read perezhilton.com after this so I can get my daily fix of the crazy-ass celebrity whack jobs. Seriously...what happened to the cute little red head in The Parent Trap? What is it with rehab these days? I remember when I was about 16 and Drew Barrymore went to rehab. She went quietly, came out clean and sober and has made an amazing career for herself. What happened to those good ole days when rehab was truly rehab and not some publicity stunt for these spoiled brats? Oh and who else is waiting to see what Brittney will do next? THat is a girl who I would love to sit down and talk with just to see what wacked out things comes out of her mouth. How much of a trainwreck can you really be?

A lot ot say...

2007-07-23T07:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, so last night I go to jump in the shower about 9:00. I wash my face, get undressed and ugh... sometimes I really hate what stares back at me in the mirror. Don't we all at times? So, I get in the shower and I start thinking that instead of disliking what I see that maybe I should look at it in a different light. So I want that super tight flat stomach right? Well, I would probably have one had I not had my two kids and we all know I wouldn't change that in for the world. I would love to have nice perky C cups, and I could afford to get those if I didn't have to pay 1000K a month in childcare. Would I change that? I wish I could change the high childcare part, but I know it is a part of how we run our family. I would love to have super tight non- cellulite legs, but I know that I am 28 years old and it comes with the territory in my family. The little stretch marks on the side of my hips... well those are my battle wounds from my pregnancies. That reminds me that I once had life inside of me and that I nourished and protected my innocent children until they were strong enough to make it in this world.

I am still not 100% happpy with my body and if anybody knows me they know I never will be. Some people have alcohol addictions, gambling addictions, etc... and I forever will have food and body issues. I have learned to deal with them through the years, but I don't know if I will ever have a "normal" relationship with food. I eat healthy, stay active and give myself a treat now and then and I do this because I know I have to. I know that all it would take is one huge step backwards and I would go spiraling back into old way. My life is so crazy hectic that I would love to have that control over my life, but I know for myself, friends, family, husband and mainly my kids that I cannot and will not ever do that.

That is why I think it is a harder for me to love my body. I love my inner self. I really do. I think that I have amazing compassion for people and for life in general. I have a short fuse and I still throw a tantrum here and there, but generally I am a great person. I hold all my friends on pedestals. I love my husband dearly. I hold my family so close to my heart and would do anything for my parents, sisters, nieces, nephews, etc... I would die for my kids. Those two beings are my world. Without them I don't know if I could love myself. I think it took those two souls to finally complete mine. But like I said, I love the person that I am. I am forgiving when I have been mad. I think I give great advice and I will just listen when that is all I need to do. I think I have a sense of humor that has evolved over the years and I just love the feeling of a good deep belly laugh !! I will continue to work on loving the outer self. To all my friends and family who read this blog, thank you for helping me accomplish and work towards that goal !!

Hang Over From Hell...

2007-07-21T18:32:00.000-05:00

I feel like death !! I know I joked about last night being a drunken debauchery, but it was so much more than I thought it would be. We went to Red River with some of our closest friends and had a blast!! I was very upset come 2 a.m ( because I wasn't ready for the bar to close LOL ), so we brought the party home. We went to bed at ( are you ready for this??? )..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 5:30 in the morning !! I woke up at 9:30 this morning and have been struggling ever since. I think I am going to fall over soon. I would explain everything that happened last night, but that it between us and the people who were there !! However, here are some pictures from last night !! Here is who went : Me, Chris, Dennis, Ashley and Josh, Ashley and her friend Stacey I believe, Lacie, Todd, Tim, ( and a few others I think ). The pictures are all mixed up and out of order. Sorry !

This hat rotated among us girls !!
Lacie and her tongue !!
This was us driving home from the bar. Yes, we had a designated driver.
Oops !! We were showing our "surpised " faces !! Sash, you need a tan girl !!
Why must drunk people insist on sticking their tongues out?
This was probably around 4:00 a.m or so !! Still drinking !!
New friends.. Lacie meet Kort.
Get that damn thing away from me !!

We think we are sexy after 5 shots and 10 drinks !!
BFFE Love !!
Why oh why did I do this??? Wine at 3:00 a.m? Not a good idea !!
Rock on !!!
This was around 5:00 in the morning or so. I can't believe we were still going !

Lacie and Dennis chilling with the booze.
Dennis getting love from the girls !!
This was the empty glasses from the "Last Call" order
Yep, we are some sexy bitches.....

Hmmmm, more "sexy bitches !"

My BFFE. I love you Sash !!
What was I doing here??

AWWW !! Aren't we cute??

This picture was taken towards the beginning of the night.
I love my girls !!
Again, at the beginning of the night when we were all sober.

Shortest, to tallest !!!

Anyway, that was our night. It is 7:00 right now and I plan on going to sleep in the next 2 hrs. I need to recover !!

A Quickie....

2007-07-19T07:49:00.000-05:00

Ewwww people !! Get your mind out of the gutters !! I meant a quick post. Okay, my boss will be here any minute so I have to make this quick. My eye is not any better today :( Well, I shouldn't say that. It doesn't throb anymore. It is just really red. What am I going to do tomorrow night?? I mean, if it doesn't clear up then the doctor won't give me contacts. Plus, I do not want to wear glasses to a bar !! That is an accident waiting to happen.

Oh, I will have some cool news to post on my blog next week. I won't post it now b/c there could be repercussions of posting this news before it has actually happened. So, for now just be on the look-out for it !!

I am sooooo ready for tomorrow night. I am going to go get Chri's b-day present today at lunch. Yes, I am getting him that stupid reel. That is what makes him happy so I guess I will get it. For my b-day he got me a new charm bracelet ( loved these as a little girl, but it means so much more when you build one as an adult !! ) , a photography backpack ( boring to him I am sure !! ), and gift certificates to my favorite stores. I will be the good wife and return the favor !! LOL

I will post more later. The boss lady just walked in !!

Finally....

2007-07-18T20:09:00.000-05:00

I can finally get to the computer !! Okay, so here has been the run down of my day...

1. Wake up and realize that my left eye is matted shut and won't open... WONDERFUL !! So, I get up, look in the mirror and realize that I have a massive eye infection. The only good point is that it is not pink eye. You see, I am really bad about sleeping in my contacts so it is no surprise that I got this infection. Here is the kicker. I cannot find my old glasses and I have NO contacts left. I can't take the contact out of my eye b/c then I will be blind as a bat. Therefore I go to work and leave it in.

2. I get to work and start getting prepared to train the new lady. ( the one going into accounting to replace me ). My eye is throbbing by this point. She comes in and I realize that these next few days are going to be HORRIBLE. I am not good at training people. I just assume that they should know things. Okay... if you have been doing accounts payable for the past 15 years ( this lady has supposedly ) then you should know the difference between a cost code and a general ledger. I won't go into details, but this lady has a long road in front on her.

3. At 9:30 I leave work and head to memorial city mall so that I can get my eyes examined and hopefully get some new contacts or glasses.

4. At 11:00 I am STILL sitting at Eye Masters waiting to be seen. GRRRRRRRRR !!! When the doctor finally examined my eyes he lectured me about my eyes and said that he is not going to fit me with contacts until Friday. That is great, but how was I going to see?? Sooo off to pick out frames I go !!!

5. At 1:00 I get my glasses and head back to work. Lets add this up... I have lost 3.5 hrs of work time ( did I mention I was supposed to be training the "lady without a clue "? ).

6. I get back to work at 1:30 and start the training process again. The sales/marketing director makes it well known that I will be in marketing full time starting Monday. ( This is fine with me b/c I am sooo sick of accounting !! ) The controller wasn't too happy about it so I had to play mediator between these two "adults ".

7. At 5:00 I finally called it quits and headed out.

8 . 6:00, I get home and find out the cats are out of food and they are yelling at me !! I am not kidding. All three cats sit on the tile floor and meow at the tops of their kitty lungs.

9. 8:00, the kids are upstairs and ready for bed, however I am tooooo tired to get up there. Chris is sleeping on the couch right now. Guess someone is about to get woken up so he can put the kids to bed !!

By the way, my new glasses are really cute. I think they fit my personality. When I have on make-up and everything I will take a picture ( not today that is for sure !! ) I am sure I have bored you to tears, but hell, it is my blog. If you don't like it then don't read it !! HA !!

Good night. Time to shower up and get to sleep !!

Nighty Night !!

crap crap crap...

2007-07-17T12:11:00.001-05:00

Excuse the language, but I am seriously freaking out here !! Chris's b-day is on Friday and I have no clue what to give him. Okay, so he was given we some hints, but come on people, how fun is it to buy a saltwater fishing reel? I am sure I will end up giving in and getting him one ( however, he is NOT getting the 280.00 one that he has his eye on !! ) Why do men like such "manly" stuff? Girls/women are SOOOO much easier to shop for. Buy them a purse, spa gift certificate, or some jewelry and they are happy as a lark. If only things were that simple with men.

There is a big group of us going out on Friday night. I am thinking Big Texas or something like that. Wherever we go we are sure to have a night of fun. Even though we are getting up there in age ( ack, quickly approaching 3o !! ) , I am happy to say that I can drink most 22 and 23 year olds under the table. ( However, this is not open for betting or discussion come Friday night. I am merely making a point here !! ) I am hoping that I can get my hands on a regular point and shoot camera for that night. I REFUSE to bring my good one.

Okay, back to the b-day thing.
Here is Chris's wish list
1. Saltwater fishing reel ( BORING !!! )
2. Waders ( those horrendous pants/suspender thingies that men wear while duck hunting or fly fishing !! )
3. A new tackle box ( Again boring, but no matter what I get I will get the WRONG one !!)

Here is what he truly "needs"

1. A lawn service to come pull all the weeds in the flower garden, b/c we are never home, nor do we want to do it ourselves
2. A 300$ gift certificate to HOme Depot so he can finish the "shed" ( aka, the open doghouse with a roof right now ) that he started back in January !!
3. A cleaning crew to come in and clean the house and do all the laundry ( whoops, that is for me, but he will benefit from it too right?? )

Anyway, any ideas are appreciated. I have run out of them all.

Random thought by Jill...

2007-07-17T07:14:00.000-05:00

So as everyone knows Ryan plays baseball ( duh I know !! ) Anyway, the Storm ( the team he has always been on in the past ) and the Cubs ( the team that he sometimes subs for, tried out for their select team, goes to their practices, etc.. ) have to play eachother during the summer season. The game has been rained out twice already and there is a 50% chance of rain today. ( game is tonight) I have a feeling this game wasn't meant to be. We are tired of all this rain cancelling game after game after game. If it is raining this much now, I wonder what the winter will be like?? Am I the only one looking forward to jeans and sweaters ? It reminds me of Christmas time, my FAVORITE time of year. The funny thing is that I HATE to decorate the house. I want the tree to put itself up. I hate wrapping presents, etc.. etc.. However, I LOVE the time of year. I think I need to add a ticker to my blog... X amount of days until Christmas. What do you think?
So, what do your kids want for x-mas this year? I am boycotting small toys !! The kids ONLY play with their electronic things and Webkinz. ( Oh Shelly, I gave the kids the husky ( to Rae) and the raccoon ( to Ry) yesterday !! ) . That being said, here is our tentative list
Ryan-
1. Either a wii or a Game Boy DX ( he IS NOT getting both ) and games for whichever
2. A Hitting net for baseball ( a certain style that we do not have right now )
3. A custom Craig Biggio framed layout for his room
4. Baseball hats and more baseball hats ( we are doing one wall that is full of wooded pegs and we are trying to fill it up w/ as many different team hats as possible !! )
5. Puzzles- Ryan is into the big big puzzles now
6. Skateboard

Reagan-
1. T.V. for her room. We have been blowing this off for two years now. Her and Ryan fight over what they are going to watch all the time. Therefore, it is time to get her one.
2. Game for her leapster. She loves her leapster, so she definitely needs some more games.
3. "MAYBE" a new bike. Her other one is getting too small. She has had it since she turned 3 and she is quickly getting too tall for it.
4. A few odds and ends. Like we said no small toys.

We normally go overboaard for x-mas and that is not going to happen this year. I am going to start shopping NOW for x-mas so that I am done come December.

Wow, I really got off topic huh? Tonight is Chris's softball night. That place is fun, but the kids get all cracked out on candy and it is nearly close to impossible to get them to sleep. ( That and we don't get home until after 10:30 ). Oh, you know how I mentioned Kody being there last week? Well, Rae asked me if he was going to be there this week. So, I explained that he was going to be with his Mommy this week, and NO she wouldn't be there with Kody. Okay, so Ryan starts asking me about Kody's brother and telling me he misses playing with him. I explained that he had to live with his Mommy and that Mr. Dennis doesn't bring him b/c he isn't Christian's real Daddy. Oh My, I ended up having an hour long conversation with a six year old about divorce, what happens in divorce, etc.. etc... I think Ryan was royally confused, but what else was I going to tell him? If I give them simple answers ( i.e. NO and YES ) they just give me the , " Hey, you idiot look " and keep asking "why" until they are thoroughly satisfied. Of course I kept it on a six year old level and left out any talks of fighting and other mature matter. I just explained that they decided to live in different houses and that Kody has to take turns living at the houses. Where is Dr.Phil when you need him?

Anyway, my boss is about to walk in and I have a full day ahead of me. I hope everyone has a great day !!

I guess it's not Friday yet...

2007-07-16T07:42:00.000-05:00

I think Monday's are the most dreaded thing of the working population. When I was a stay at home mom I loved Mondays !! That meant Chris went back to work and the kids and I could get back to our nomal schedule. How I miss the good ole' days. No wonder I drink more now than I used to, which brings me to my little story I forgot to share from yesterday.

Okay, so when Chris was at the grocery store I get a call. Okay, actually he called me no less than seven times while he was at the store. How can a grown man ( who is quite capable of making grown up decisions ) who has a LIST still manage to call seven times and ask questions about grocery shopping? Shoot, when I go grocery shopping I leave the kids with DH, take my list and SLOWLY stroll up and down the aisles. Sometimes I leave my phone at home intentionally so that I don't get phonecalls. Anyway, back to the point... So I am sitting there on the couch and my phone rings. It is Chris. He proceeds to ask me, " What kind of wine do you drink" , so I tell him which kind I prefer. I am not going to divulge the "brand " of wine I drink, but lets just call it cheap !! I have tried the expensive stuff and I will stick to my cheap wine. Why you might ask? Because if I drink the expensive stuff all I can drink is one glass. If I have more than that I will get a little toasty. Well, if you have ever witnessed bedtime in my family you will know it takes Rae more than one glass of wine to fall asleep. The bedtime process with her is at least a two glass process. Hence, the cheap wine !! Crap, I am off subject again. Anyhoo, so Chris calls and asks me this question. I ask him why are you asking me? He proceeds to tell me that he noticed that I was almost out of all my wine and that he has to "take care " of his wifey and keep her stocked up on wine. Okay, so he will buy me booze, but doesn't get anything else at the grocery store I will eat. I think he might have ulterior motives !! What do you think? I had to go BACK to the store last night to get some of "my" snacks for the week. Then I made a grilled chicken salad for dinner and proceeded to drink my two glasses of wine while Rae screamed at the top of her lungs in her bedroom that she was "NEVER GOING TO SLEEP EVER !!! " and that her "EYES AREN'T TIRED" and she " WILL NOT SHUT THEM !! " ( those are her exact words ). Now you can see why I drink and Chris keeps me stocked !!

I was right...

2007-07-15T15:31:00.000-05:00

Chris came home from the grocery store with some of the most random stuff. Okay, he got four little containers of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. That is fine, but why does he need so much? Plus, I won't eat that !! Plus he got a 1/2 gallon of Regular Blue Bell Mint Chocolate Chip. AGain, it is full fat and I won't eat it !! He got regular syrup instead of sugar-free. He got regular cheese instead of 2%. He got RED juice boxes, ummmmm.... guess he forgot that his daughter is allergic to the red dye in those !! He got NOTHING for me to snack on. Special K bars, granola bars, baked Lays...NOTHING !!!

So, today's lesson is that no matter how much I detest going to the grocery store, I need to go anyway b/c Chris sucks at doing it. Plus he spent about 80.00 more than what I usually spend? I am still waiting to see the receipt so I can figure out what he got !!

Nope, I refuse to...

2007-07-15T12:12:00.000-05:00

Go to the grocery store that is !! I refuse to. Everybody and their mother goes to the grocery store on Sunday and I just can't deal with going. So, I made a list and sent Chris. Who knows what he will come home with? I sent him to HEB so he would hopefully stay in the budget.

All of Ryan's games got rained out so we are "chillin" today. I can't even do laundry yet b/c I am out of detergent.

Okay, so we went to the beach Friday night and stayed there all day yesterday. We had a blast. Resa and I were hoping for sun and got overcast. I guess it is better than rain. It did keep the kind from getting burned.

Here are the pictures from the beach.

Anyway, after we got back we said our goodbye's to Chris's brother. He was here for a couple of weeks. The kids LOVE him and he was over at our house quite a bit this time !! Chris and I decided that we wanted some mexican food, so we made call ahead reservations and went to Gringo's.

Okay, well I need to finish this post up. Like I said, Chris is at the grocery store and wanted me to sort laundry while he was gone. Ummm, I haven't quite started that yet, so it is time to get hustling.

The kids looked thrilled don't they??

Much Better...

2007-07-13T08:56:00.000-05:00

I am feeling much better today. I left work around noon yesterday and rested all afternoon. Ryan's baseball coach was nice enough to pick him up from school and take him to practice. It helped out so much. So, it is Friday and I am at work. Friday's around here are CRAZY !! Every vendor and their mother show up looking for payment.

Today is picture day at school for the kids. I haven't ordered a school picture since RAe started there. They are always just a little bit blurry and her hair is always crazy by the time she goes in there to take the picture. She is wearing a cute little GAP dress and Ryan is wearing the matching GAP polo. I woke them up before I left this morning for work and Rae was in ultimate meltdown mode. I got her dressed, fixed her hair and made her a pallet on the floor so that she could watch cartoons until Daddy decided to get up.

I think we might go to the Lake tomorrow. Ry has a bb game at noon , so after that we are free !! We might take some friend's jet ski's out. The kids LOVE that !! Plus, I can work on the tan a little more. Who knows where we will end up?

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I will make it my mission to get the camera out and take some cute pictures !!

Ouch...

2007-07-12T10:27:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning in pain. I suffer from ovarian cysts and I think one had ruptured over night. I should have had a clue considering I was feeling sick to my stomach and just "off" last night. I woke up in sever pain this morning, but had to go into work anyway. I didn't have an option considering I had so much to do. Hopefully I can get out of here around noon or so. The doctor wanted me to take birth control to help with the cysts, but I don't want to. It messes with my emotions too much. It makes me a REALLY mean person and I refuse to do that to my children and my husband. So, I deal with a rupturning cyst every 2-3 months or so. I will be in a lot of pain today, and then really sore tomorrow. This sucks.

Hopefully there is nothing big planned for tonight. If Ryan has practice than Chris can take him, or one of the other dad's can come and get him. I just can't do it tonight. Tomorrow is Friday right? For once we have nothing to do on a Friday night. I am stoked. I want to go see the Harry Potter movie. The kids love Harry Potter.

Oh, the game went well last night. The Storm beat the Raptors in a 15-6 victory ( I think that was the score. ) All the boys did really well. I am ready for a couple days that are baseball free.

Oh, okay, so for the past 7 years I have been addicted to Big Brother. I watch this show religiously. I am such a dork that I ordered showtime for the next few months so I can watch the after dark programming for it. Seriously, I can never get enough of Big Brother. If I go home early I am going to go home and watch what I DVR'd last night and curl up into a ball. Ahhhh, that sounds sooooo nice about right now.

Special K Bars...

2007-07-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

I think am addicted to these things. Seriously, I love them !! If you haven't tried one, go get yourself a box. They are great and only 90 calories !!

Chris started on his softball league last night !! It was sooooo much fun !! I took the kids and Rae was excited to see that Kody was there. Many of you know Kody and you know what a cutie he is. He was cracking us up last night !! He was in such good spirits and having a blast running around playing with Rae, Ryan and all of us in the bleachers. Ryan was watching the games most of the time. The guys did pretty good considering this is the first time most of them have played together.

Ryan has another game tonight, but I think it is only one.

I got a little piece of mind yesterday at work. I talked to my boss and he was very understanding and helped me with a lot of my concerns. It looks like I am going to be the sole marketing coordinator for Dakota Blue. Then we will have a marketing assistant for Tuscany. Let me tell you... I am going to be VERY VERY busy !! I loved doing marketing for David Powers, so I know I will love doing it for Dakota Blue. Bye bye accounting !!!

Okay, time to get busy and get this Wednesday over with !! Oh, I will most likely take my camera with me to the game tonight. Hopefully I will have some pics to post... hopefully !! LOL

In a bad mood....

2007-07-10T07:47:00.000-05:00

I woke up in a bad mood, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

Seriously, at 5:15 my alarm went off and I knew it was going to be a bad day.

I get to work to find that one of the manager's put about 200 invoices in my inbox...ummm did I mention that I am trying to transition to another desk right now? Well it is not working b/c the boss of the account dept ( which I am in now ) won't back off of me and let me do some other work. She is constantly on my a$$ and is a total micro-manager. I can't stand that !! Thank goodness I am not staying in accounting b/c I think I would have found another job pronto !!

What else? Oh, I talked to one of my best friend's last night ( Christi ) and I miss her soooo much. Every time we plan on getting together something happens and it doesn't come through. I need to just suck it up and take myself up to Dallas. I know she will be here for the reunion, but that is in October and I want to see her now. We make eachother laugh and I could use some laughter today. After I talked to her last night it made me think about my other friends. I really do treasure them !! Theresa makes me better myself. She has this way of making me want to push myself to do things better. If I have a problem ( especially a married wifey problem) I know I can go to Theresa and she will help me make sense of it all. Sash ( Ashley) is my alter-ego. She is the me that is unmarried and without kids. Our lives are so parallel, yet in two different realms. Plus, if I need a fun night away I know that she will step up to the plate and fulfill that need !! ( although Theresa does a great job of throwing back the drinks and the shots as well ). Betsy and Laura keep me focused. I haven't had much time with them lately, but I have been so busy that I feel like I see them for maybe 10 minutes before I get distracted with kids and other things. I did have a fun time hanging out on the 4th with them. I also have my friends who I have reconected with lately. That is Lacie, Meredith, Hillary, Ryen, and a few others. With them there is so much history that I know I can just be myself. I also have the place in my heart for friends lost. No point in naming names, but there are just people in my life who at one point I held dearly. For some reason or another the friendship did not belong in my life. Maybe there was too much drama, not enough trust, or just plain bitchiness. However, I will never hate these people. They were in my life for a reason. They were there to teach me lessons and better myself. I don't regret that at all.

Enough rambling I guess. I am still in a piss poor mood and I am ready for work to be over already. However, it is only 8 ( I have been here for almost 1.5 hours as it is ) and I have 8 hours to go. It is going to be one of "those" days.

Thank goodness for baseball tonight to lighten my mood !!