Reflections...

I haven't posted a blog in a long time. Probably because so much has happened in my life that has left me speechless. That and everytime I did post something on here somone took it upon themselves to send me nasty anonymous posts. Anyway, so over the past few weeks/months I feel like I have been watching my life spin and twirl from outside of my body. I have been brought back into touch with life and reality with a lot that has happened in the past few weeks.

First I found out that there was a chance that Chris was going to start a new job in Colorado. Deep down I didn't think it would happen, but it did. Ry and Rae have about a week left with him here. My heart breaks for them. They will only see their dad around 24 days in the next year and that thought...well it brings tears to my eyes. One thing I can say is that Chris is a good father and it is a shame that he will miss so much of the next year. Ry is my little soldier who has been so strong through all of this right now but he has also had his Dad there for him whenever he needed him. I know deep down that Ry will be okay but it is going to be very hard on him. I try to be the best mother I can be, but let's face it I am not a father. As for Rae, I just see her getting even more clingy. My Dad is there for her and she seems to be bonding with him more and more as the days go by. She is already a mamma's girl and has become even more so lately. Anyway, the next year is going to be a test for me. I have to make it through. I don't have a choice. Learning to stand on my two feet has been empowering and scary as hell.

Then on top of all this I lost a very important person in my life. Actually it might be two. That is just a waiting game. I am not going into details of anything on here involving that but lets just say I love this person more than I can ever imagine and not having that person there...well a part of me is empty now. If I lose the other person...well I don't know.

On a good note there are people that have come into my life when I least expected it. I am finally feeling alive and awake in life. Through all the heartbreak, disappointment, loss and everything else it is nice to know there is hope that life does go on. I am certain that I can still get close to another person and not be scared to take a leap of faith. Now don't go reading into this last paragraph. No one knows ( okay okay T and L know ) some of what is going on right now. However, it will not come out on here. I just,..I don't know.... am living life and going with the flow of everything that comes my way.

With all of this being said I have made mistakes ( some really really bad mistakes and some that are a whoops kind of mistake), I have said things I shouldn't, I have jumped to conclusions, and I have done things out of character to myself. I am not perfect. I will never claim to be. I am just me right now and I am trying to learn what that means. Some things that have happened caused me to hold a mirror up to my life and have really made me realize that it was time to get back to being Jill instead of the person that I had turned in to.

So, there it is. That is my update. Maybe in a couple of weeks I will have some better news. Right now I am optimistic and looking forward to the days as they come.

to answer your question...

i had someone send me an "anonymous" question on my last post that said,

"so when is the blog address going to change to www.mammadearing.blogspot.com?"

First off, if you are going to send me an "anonymous" question, then grow a pair and use your real name. I was not born yesterday. Only a handful of people know my maiden name. So, the anonymous part is kind of pointless considering it can only be a handful of people.

Second off, I am NOT changing my name. Everything I have is under my married name including my SS#, DL and all that stuff. NO ONE can force me to change it PERIOD!

Third, if you have a problem with my blog then DON'T read it. I was upset that day and my blog is my place to vent. Good thing I haven't vented this week considering the events that have occurred. God only knows what sort of anonymous posts I would be getting then.

I could go on and on, but luckily it is time to leave work.

You're kidding me right???

Okay, I know I haven't blogged in awhile and while I promised happy blogs, this is not one !! I am blogging right now cause I am irritated, disappointed, and a few other things. Okay...kids... ummm,you have them and they are your responsibility right???? RIGHT !!!! Can you please explain to me why it is so easy for a parent to say, " I'm sorry I just can't take them tonight". You have got to be kidding me!! All I know is that I only get to see my kids 50% ( okay, well it is A LOT more than that these days!!! ) of the time. If I was not able to see them for days on end I would certainly make an effort to do so!! It is not the mother's job to make sure the children talk to the father and tell them goodnight every night. However, it is my job to explain why they aren't going to Daddy's ( yet again) and explain why he doesn't call one night to tell them goodnight or any other things that they might ask. Please don't tell me that he is going to become "that" father. Please tell me that he meant it when he said that he was going to miss seeing them everyday. Right now I am having a very hard time believing it! Can you please explain to me why they have to be put on the back burner behind other important things? I am sorry, are you seeing the fire come flaming out of my mouth yet? Yes!! I am spitting fire mad right now. This is my place to vent so I am doing just that so that when I do have to see my kids tonight at least I know that at least ONE person is there and consistent. Ugh... please tell me the pumpkin patch this weekend will cheer me up!! It will won't it? Oh wait, lots of screaming and yelling kids..nope probably not !!! However, being with Rae and Ry and having a blast this weekend will be worth it all !!

a few little updates...

Hmmm, where to start.

-The Legends are still on top in the Fall 07' Spring Klein season. As of Saturday we are 8-0. Yep, I think the legends are going to sweep the league. We have seen some amazing games this season, but we are bracing ourselves for our first tournament this weekend. I am nervous and excited for the boys. It will be an all weekend affair. I can't wait !!!

-I am still packing the house. I will be moving on Friday. There will be a lot of life changes, but in the end I know I have made the right decision. This will allow me to get back on my feet and to be in a positive financial situation. ( that is ALWAYS a good thing!! )

-As crazy as life has been I am really enjoying it and having fun. I have met so many new people. I have been laughing and smiling a lot and I owe that to my friends. They have been good at keeping my mind off of everything.

Oh...ummmm, did you see my ticker lately??? 70 days til Christmas? Are you freakin kidding me??????? Ack!!!!! Ry is easy for Christmas, but I have NO CLUE what to get chica!! I will have to brainstorm hard on that one!

oh oh oh oh...you have to check out a new artist that I have found. Her name is Colbie Caillat and her music is AMAZING!!!! I wish I could figure out a way to post a song...hmmm, I might need to go do some searching on this one...stay tuned!!

I did it !!! I added music to my blog!! Enjoy :)

Please let me explain...

I feel really bad for not updating my blog as often as I used to. Honestly, it is kind of hard to post anything these days. I don't like to post unhappy things and definitely not personal things. Well, it seems that 99% of the stuff going on in my life is very personal and often times sad. Why do you think I always blog about baseball? It is my release and a way to escape my world for those two hours. My emotions are raw these days. I have never felt more empowerment and loss at the same time. While everything as I know it has changed one thing has remained constant. That is the love for my children, family, and friends. As the world spins around me these loved ones in my life seem to be able to reach in and keep me from spinning out of control with it. Sometimes you take people like this for granted and I will never take these amazing beings for granted ever again. So, as you see things are complicated....life is complicated. I am excited to have a fresh start. I am excited to look into my future and know that I am in control of my destiny. I am in control of my heart. I am in control of myself finally. That is an amazing, yet very scary feeling. For once in my life I am not relying on someone else to make me happy. What a journey I am on!

As for the kids, they are doing good. Ry has been behaving in school and Rae has actually been in a great mood ! We will be moving in the next week. Ry will start a new school, and he is actually excited about this possibility. Rae will beleaving her preschool and she will start a new mother's day out program that is only a few days a week. I however will be driving over an hour an a half to and from work.....sigh... oh well..it is only time right? I CAN do this !! ( that will have to be my mantra over the next six months !! )

Once things are settled I am sure I will have happier posts and the frequency of them will increase. Until then, I apologize in advance for the lack of communication here !!!

Bad blogger...bad!!

I know...I know!!! I have been HORRIBLE about updating my blog!! OKay, so a few things have happened.

1st- I had a parent teacher conference with Ry's teacher. I usually cringe when it comes to those damn things. I have NEVER had a good one ever with him. Anyway, the teacher calls me today and I wanted to cry over the phone. First off, Ry is reading at a second grade level. At the end of Kinder he was reading on a K level. She said she has seen a huge jump in his language skills. He is learning and picking up on grammar rules faster than she can teach him. His math is also at a second grade level !! She is going to start giving him some advanced work. He has A's in social studies and science. Plus....are you ready for this.....????? She has had NO behavior problems with him in the past 2 1/2- 3 weeks. She said he has become a totally different student. She said he is not angry anymore and has started coming out of his shell. She said he is happy and smiles all the time. Do you know how much this means to me??????? I am soooo proud and can't wait to hug him today at the baseball game!

2nd- The legends are still on their dominating streak!! They are 7-0 and defeated their toughest competitors this weekend. I think the score was 18-4. The legends defense was unstoppable this weekend!!

3rd- I am not blogging much b/c I am trying to get everything situated and packed up at the house. Every night I will be packing/cleaning, etc... The kids were with Chris this weekend ( and man did I miss them !! ) and I should have done more, but I almost needed a weekend to detox from the drama you know? I am rejuvinated and ready to tackle my obstacles.

Other than that life is the same as usual. Rae is some ole Rae !! LOL

We have another game tonight so I will hopefully update that soon !! Here are a couple of pics from the game on Saturday.

preparing for little league domination...

LOL, okay not really, but I thought that sounded pretty cool. Our boys are now 6-0. There was another game last night and they won 21-10. We play our toughest opponents on Saturday morning. It will prove to be a challenging game. However, I truly believe that our little Legends will dominate.

Okay, so this week has been pretty laid back. Ry was on green yesterday which is good. He also got 100% on his spelling test !! woo hoo !! If I teach the child anything in life it is that proper grammar and spelling is essential. It drives me crazy when people do not know the proper way to use to/two/too, their/there, and your/you're. I know I learned the difference between all these words when I was in elementary school. I always wonder if people were absent the day those words were taught. Anyhoo, I asked Ryan about his day and he said that Emily ( aka the bad seed) was teasing him again. I asked him what he did. Ry said he rolled his eyes (oh yes, he is his mother !! ) and walked away. I asked him why he just walked away and he said it was because if he said something back to her then he would have gotten in trouble. He said it is easier to ignore her. Jackpot !!!! Wow, this is a lesson I have been trying to teach him for years it seems. I then took the time to explain that not everyone is going to be nice to him and not everyone is going to like him and that is why it is so important that we have our friends. So Ry had a great day at school and a great day at baseball.

As for Rae, well we are still in drama queen overload. She can't do anything without there being some form of whining or drama involved. What to do....what to do... This is going to be a learning experience with her !!

As for me, well I am doing good. Sash came over last night and we talked and hung until about 10:30. I love that girl !! Well, time to get back to work. We are going over the Teresa's tonight for dinner...yummy !!! ( T is a good cook and well I am not cooking much these days !! LOL )

wait...wait... I meant to post a pic of Ry playing catcher from the Monday night game (I didn't take pics last night )

I'm back...

I know...yesterday I was MIA on my blog, but I really didn't have much to update it with. Now, however I do !!

Okay, remember when I was looking for a military school for six year olds??? Well that notion has been put on the back burner for a little bit and has been replaced with charm school for a four year old !!! However, I prefer not to have the lady from VH1's "Charm School" teach her. Rae has manners....I know she does.... right??? Please someone tell me I am right. These days they are nonexistent or so it seems. I picked her up from school yesterday and was told that she was hitting and scratching her best friend. What the hell RAE???? She laughs and tells me she was bad. Then when she sees that I do not think its funny she starts this fake crying BS. Ugh... I told her I would talk to her in the car about manners and behavior. So, we get in the car and I go over manners, what is acceptable, what is not, etc... etc.... I am thinking, okay great, basis covered !! NOPE !! We get to the ballfields ( cause Ry had a game that I will be talking about later !! ) and she somehow forgot what her name or what my voice sounded like. I CAN'T STAND when she does this. I can stand behind her saying her name over and over and over and she just ignores me. I know she hears me. She was talking with food in her mouth ( BIG PET PEEVE) , whining, playing in the dirt, trying to go out on the field, and so much more that I can't even remember. I truly think charm school might be the only option for my chica !! What happened to my dainty 3 yr old?

OKay, so on to the baseball game. It was a pretty good game !! The boys won 21-4 I think. ( I think the other team had 4, maybe 3 ). One of our boys hit a GRAND SLAM over the fence homerun !! Folks, he is only seven !!! We have another game on Wednesday night.

Tonight we have soccer practice....BORING !!! Does she really need to go to practice???? SERIOUSLY?????? Hmmm, I wonder if I can bribe her with ice cream to skip practice. She is only 4, not like she is the next Mia Hamm.

Well, my lunch break is over and it is time that I try to be a productive employee.
Oh, and I am doing okay. I am taking it one day at a time and making sure I smile a lot !!!

A different kind of hurt....

We told the kids today.... I thought my heart had felt pain before, but until a six year old little boy curls up into your body sobbing because his heart is broken then you will truly never know pain. Those eyes and face that are the spitting image of mine looked back at me with so much heartache and confusion. I wish I could fix everything in his world right now but I can't. I know that in time his world, although different will become right again. I want the people that are around him to remember how much this little boy is hurting and that he didn't ask for this. He may be different for a little bit, but I know Ry will see that he has a mother and father who love him with their whole heart and soul and that everything will be okay.

I do not mean to leave Rae out of this. She just doesn't understand it all. The adjustment will probably be easier for her. She has a different spirit than Ry and she tends to see only rainbows and unicorns ( so to speak ). Her world is always fine and dandy. Of course we will show her as much as we always have and more so. The same with Ry.

I know this post is heavy, but this blog is about my life. My life IS heavy right now. For my friends and family who have offered their love and support I thank you. It means the world to me right now. Now I just have to fix my children's world.

Soccer Saturdays...

Yes, it is Sunday ( 1 in the morning ) but this post is about Saturday...yesterday...today... whatever haven't gone to bed yet so it is still Saturday to me. So, Rae and Ry both had games today and man was it crazy.

Here is Rae in all her soccer glory...doesn't she look like a little professional.. ha ha !!!







The best part was when she got 3/4 of the way through the game and decided that she didn't want to soccer anymore. She is sooooo much like her brother at that age !!!

Anyway, I haven't edited ry's pics yet today. It is late and I will do that tomorrow night.

Saturdays....

Okay, before I go into my post here are a few pics from the baseball game...





Okay, so it is Saturday and today is full of soccer games and basball games.....

I will update later with all the stories from today. For now I have to take a shower and get Rae all cute for soccer !!!

I love em...

I love our little Legends !! Our boys rocked it last night.... yes they made errors and no they are not a perfect little team, but damn, those boys love their baseball. Our boys made a TRIPLE PLAY last night !!! Yep, J-Rod caught a pop fly, threw it to first...got him out... threw it to second...got that kid out... gotta LOVE IT !!! They won the game 18-7 ( I think that was the final score ). One of our boys came within inches of hitting a homerun over the fence. There were other homeruns as well of course. Plus, it was miss Taylors and Camerons b-day so the kids got to enjoy cake afterwards. I will be going in to work early in the morning to edit pics so I will post them tomorrow. Ry has been playing catcher a lot and you know what??? He is doing pretty good at it. Ry is not the best on the team, nor do I expect him to be, but he enjoys himself and that is the important part. He is proud of the team he is on. Plus, he couldn't be any cuter in all that catcher gear ! I think I got some good pics of him playing catcher. It was also nice to get behind my camera and escape for awhile tonight. Maybe that is why I love photography so much... for that little bit while you are focusing on capturing a beautiful child you forget about all the raw emotions that are raging within you.

Ohhhhhh... Ry was on green AGAIN today and he got SUPERSTAR of the week at daycare. You know, I am always proud of the little toot, but this week he has been soooooo happy. He said to me tonight, "Mom I am proud of myself " Wow, that is so important for a 6 yr old to be able to be proud of himself you know? He is about to face some hard days and as long as I can keep him loving himself and knowing that everyone around him loves him, then I can call myself a good mother.

On another note, thank you again for all the support I have been receiving. People who I didn't even think cared have been offering me their shoulders if I needed one. However, there is one person that I wish was there and could tell me that they care, but I guess that won't be happening. That really does hurt . I know this person reads my blog ( I have my ways of knowing these things ). I guess blood really isn't thicker than water......

Anyway, I am off to bed. I have been having a hard time sleeping ( getting about 3-4 hrs a night right now ) so who knows if I will actually sleep.

Sorry I haven't had any funny little quirks or anything this week. I guess I have been pretty intense, although I seem to forget that I did post the drunken pics from Dallas. Those were pretty funny. Speaking of Dallas...a big THANK YOU to Sash for making me laugh this week when I needed it the most. Sash, you should so comment and post the "dancing" link !! bwa ha ha !!!

A few "quotes" before I go... ( can you tell I love quotes?? That is the literature lover in me !!! )

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
King Whitney Jr

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.
Alan Watts

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all.
Emily Dickinson

Super Star....

So, I pick up Ry from daycare yesterday and he tells me he was on green AGAIN and that he had a good day....then..... the daycare teacher pulls me aside and says she wants to talk to me. I am thinking, "Oh shit, here we go " Anyway, she said Ry has been like a different kid this week. She said that he has been following 100% of the directions, keeping his hands to himself, and while he is still the goofy Ry we all know, that he has been soooo good this week. She said he is on his way to being the "SUPERSTAR STUDENT" of the week !!

My kid...the superstar??? You're kidding me right??? I just kept telling him over and over again how proud I was of him !!! He kept asking me, "Are you proud that I am being good Mom? " I couldn't tell him YES !!! enough. I know why he is different this week and this validates the fact I have made the right decision. I haven't seen him this happy in months. It really does bring tears to my eyes.

Oh, he also got his Wednesday folder and there was NO behavior marks at all !!!! This is the first time EVER since he started Kinder. that he has had NO behavior checks!! Again, proves to me that as his mother I am doing the right thing right now.

We had baseball practice and he was even more attentive and alert there. The dads tried to nickname him "Sleepy" last week ( which I WAS NOT having ). I think Ry is slowly proving that the name doesn't fit. I truly hope he stays on this road.

We have a game tonight and I cannot wait to pump him up and get him excited about doing his best out there.

For now this is my post b/c, well.... Ry deserves a post all about him and his amazing progress and improvement !!! He really is my superstar !!!

On a Roll....

Folks... while some areas of life have been hellacious, there has one been one great thing that has happened this week. Ryan has been on green for two days in a row now !! The teacher sent home a good note as well yesterday that I proudly put on the refigerator to display. Ry has been having so many problems that I almost cried when I saw that note !! He even told me how he stayed away from Emily and ignored her when she started teasing him. ( Emily is a little girl in his class that I compare to the "bad seed"... seriously...creepy evil child ) I am hoping and praying that Ry will stay on this road. Yes, I know he will have slip ups, but I hope this shows him that the rewards for good behavior far outweighs the punishment for bad behavior.

I am getting sick...thanks Christi !! LOL Yep, my glands are swollen and I feel HORRIBLE today, not to mention that I got a spider bite last night and part of my left arm is knotted and swollen. Ry has baseball tonight, but I will leave him and Rae there with Chris so that I can go workout. Man, I need that stress relief. I am still VERY sore from my workout with T on Monday, but it is soooo worth it. Don't you love the feeling of having your stomach muscles ACHE when you laugh or cough ( because you have actually worked them out and used them ). I have been told that I have a 4 pack right now LOL....not quite a 6 pack, but a few lines none the less !! LOL

Before we go a few words....

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great person is one who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

( while he is not always easy to follow, take a minute and really READ these words... then let it sink it... )

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. - Helen Keller