Changes...

I haven't posted anything on here in almost a year. Wow, I can't believe it has been that long. So much has changed. I have grown a lot and learned a lot this year.
Before I get into any of it, let me address what drew me here to write today in the first place.

Two years ago today my father had a heart attack. Right before it happened, I had come into the house with Ryan and Reagan and was having a conversation with my Dad about everything that had happened that weekend. My life as I knew it ( and everyone elses life who loved my Dad) was about to change. In the blink of an eye my dad was in the throws of a major heart attack. Everything else is a blur. I remember making my kids leave the room, the paramedics coming, and my dad looking so scared and in pain when they left with him. He went into full cardiac arrest in the ambulance. They lost a pulse on him for 45 minutes. The doctors were able to physically bring my dad back, but he wasn't the same. To me, I lost my dad that day. I never heard his voice again, saw his smile, or saw the look of pure unconditional love in his blue eyes for me. I miss him EVERY DAY. I think about him EVERY DAY. I wonder how different my life would be if he was still here. I still get very sad..sometimes at the most random times. Other times I know he would be very proud of me for some of the things I have accomplished. My dad was a teacher at heart and always made sure I knew that life was a walk filled with lessons, good and bad. I write about him today, not just because he had a heart attack two years ago, but to also share the things I have learned in life because of his death.

The first thing is to love... don't just love a little bit, love unconditionally, fully, and with all your heart. My dad wasn't perfect, was far from it, but he loved my mother with all of his heart. I loved seeing what he put in her stocking every Christmas, cause it was so thoughtful and planned out. There was usually a CD of her favorite country artist, a little piece of jewelry, perfume of her favorite scent, and then there was usually something silly in there too. Everything under the Chrismtas tree was to "Lou", his nickname for her. My mom would get SOOOO angry when the Dillard's bill would come in January, but my dad couldn't help it. He loved to spoil her. The love her had for her taught me how to love. After he passed, I promised myself that I would not love out of convenience, guilt, etc... I would love someone because my heart and soul loves them just as much as my dad loved my mother.

Second, I learned to let the little things go. My dad was the kind of man who would get angry and ignore you for days. As a teenager this drove me CRAZY. As an adult I learned that this was his way of letting the little things go. When I look back I realize that my dad never got angry over the small things. He got angry because I wrecked my car...yet again, that I had a party while he was on vacation with my mom, you know...big things. He always let me know with his , "look" that he was irritated if I did something small...like wait til the last minute to do a paper, or "forget" to clean my room, but he knew that a look was all it would take. As an adult I am bad about focusing on the little things. I feel like I have to do everything perfect, and that I expect my kids to do them perfect as well. There are times when I have to think, "what would my dad do? ". Okay...there are a LOT of times when I have to ask myself, "What would my dad do".

The last thing I would have to say I have learned is that time is precious. You never know when you will be talking to someone for the last time. You never know when someone might disappear from your life. Enjoy your time with the people you love in your life. Take 10 minutes a day to talk to your parents. Stop and listen to your kids when they are telling you a story, b/c to them it is the most important thing that happened in their day. Hold the one you love, cuddle your children, and let everyone who matters know. Surround yourself with love, give it, receive it, cherish it. It is not always there tomorrow.

I miss my dad sometimes til it physically hurts. When I talk about him or think about him, it is still hard not to cry. Like I said, I wrote this today so that when you read this, you think about how precious life is and not to take one single thing for granted.

Now....on to what has happened with me the past year. I will try to give you the short version as i have rambled on and on already.

Hmmm, well 2008 was a challenge for me to say the least. I found love, lost it, and then found it again. Keith moved back to Houston in March of this year. He also moved in with me. It has been a learning experience for both of us. We both have different ways of doing things, as most couples do, and are still try to mesh all of that together. Over the past 8 months I have gotten to know his family, and can honestly say that they have made me feel like I belong there. His mom is an amazing woman, so now I am lucky enough to have my mom ( who would go to the ends of the earth for me and my kids) and now I have Charlene in my life. I have so much to learn from both of these women. We have also been lucky enough to spend a lot of time with all our kids ( Cam, Rae, and Ryan ). There is a learning curve there as well!! I think I am at my happiest when I wake up on a Sunday morning knowing that everyone is there under one roof. Keith and I built and bought a house as well. We moved about two weeks ago. Yes, there are still boxes left unpack. We put up a huge 9 ft christmas tree and are looking forward to having a fantastic Christmas at our house. I love Keith more than there are words for, and I hope that 2010 brings nothing but good things for us.

Okay...now that you have read this for 30 minutes, I will say sorry for being absent, but maybe now that things are settling down a bit that I will be able to post more on here.

Happy Holidays!!

A year has come and gone...

A year has come and gone since my dad passed away. I am not the same person I was on January 7, 2008. How could I be? I have dreaded this day for the past year. As the 7th of every month passed I shed tears for him. A lot of them were tears of anger, tears of frustration and tears of complete sorrow. I grieved in silence and rarely did I let on how hurt and devastated I was...am. Only a few people in my life have seen the pain that his death caused. Today when I woke up.. it was different. Am I still sad, sorrowful, grieving??? Of course. Am I still angry, frustrated, and devastated? Not as much. I will be honest and admit that most of my anger was towards God for taking my father away from me. I was angry that my children wouldn't have more time with him and I was angry that he wouldn't be there with me, my mom, my family. Somewhere along the way the anger faded and I started to believe and trust in God again. I know with all my heart that not only is God with me every second of the day, but so is my dad. He is with me, my sisters, my mother, my children, their children, and with everyone else who he loved in life. How can I be angry about that?
Instead of crying and writing about how much I miss him ( which I do...I terribly!!) I am going to add one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems. ( and I have probably quoted this before on this blog...but it IS one of my favorites and my dad introduced me to Emily Dickinson, so it is only appropriate)

"Hope" is the thing with feathers --
That perches in the soul --
And sings the tune without the words --
And never stops -- at all --

And sweetest -- in the Gale -- is heard --
And sore must be the storm --
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm --

I've heard it in the chillest land --
And on the strangest Sea --
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb -- of Me.

If you don't feel like taking time to really figure out what the poem is about, let me help you out. Emily Dickson is saying that on the brightest of days and in the darkest of nights, hope does not go away. Hope doesn't ask anything of you, it doesn't take anything of you, but instead is constant. Hope... the promise that things do get better, life goes on, and happiness is ahead. I didn't have a lot of hope during this year, at least I didn't look for it. It was there...is there, and it is there for everyone. Knowing that my dad is looking out for me has given me hope. Knowing that my dad will guide me towards happiness and success, that has given me hope. Even through his death and my families greatest loss, he leaves us with hope. We just have to open our eyes and our hearts and believe in that hope.

A year has come and gone and finally I have hope. Thank you dad and remember, I will always love you and I will always be your little girl.

Funny how life works...

So yesterday I posted about how sad I was about not having my dad here with me. I was in tears for hours last night, missing him and wanting him to be there with me. My faith was reaffirmed today. Let me explain a little:
I have been trying to find a house..a home...for me and my kids for the past month. It seems that every time I found something that I "loved" , something would happen and I would be turned down. My credit wasn't good enough, my employment at my work wasn't long enough ( only been here since April ), and I could go on and on. Anyway, I had given up hope. I was frustrated !! I was sooo down on myself because what kind of mother am I if I can't even find a place for me and my kids to live? I made plans to put all my stuff in storage and go stay with my mom for awhile. I had literally given up. One of my friends Lacie had always told me, "God will never give you more than you can handle", man on man... I had reached my breaking point the other night. Finally, I did the only thing I knew to do... I gave it all up to him. I admitted that I had been trying to "make" my life into what I WANTED, not what he intends for me. I told him that I had faith that he would send me a home, that he would heal my broken heart, and that he would give me the strength to face it all. As I said yesterday, it was the one year anniversary of my father's heart attack. I had an appointment to go look at a house, but I wasn't getting my hopes up. In fact, I didn't really even like what I saw in the pictures. The house is in the neighborhood that I wanted, so I figured I would go see it anyway. The owner of the house is the representing agent. She was there, with her two children. She has two girls, who are 25 months apart in age ( same difference as Rae and Ry), and she had such a warm heart. I could feel the warmth of the house. A family lived there. The rooms had toys in them, the carpet had a few stains, and the walls were even colored on. The owner reassured me that all the carpets would be professionally cleaned as well as the entire house, all the walls would be painted.. and as an extra blessing she told me she would leave her washer, dryer, and fridge for me if I needed it. Where did this angel come from? I apologized for my credit and told her my mom was willing to be a co-applicant. She simply told me that wasn't necessary, that she would lease the house to me in my name only and that she had a good feeling about me. She said she could tell I was a good person. In my heart of hearts, I knew that God and my dad had brought me to my future home. My father's led me by the hand to this house.. on yesterday of all days. As luck would have it, she approved the application, signed the lease, and in three weeks I will be living in my new house. I truly believe that God is laying my intended path in front of me. This wasn't the "best" house that I saw and it wasn't my "favorite" house that I saw, but this house is better. It is my new "home".
Now, don't think I am all fine and dandy and smiling and full of woo hoo's about life. It is going to take some time, and the only thing that I DO know right now is that I have put it all into God's hands. I will keep my eyes open and whatever he intends for me... well, I guess I am finally ready for it.

I might write more on this tonight...not sure, but for now, I just think it is really funny how life works....

A year ago....

A year ago my Dad had a heart attack. I watched it. My children watched it. The doctors were able to restart his heart but my DAD never returned to us.. in reality, a year ago I lost my father. I kept busy today. I went and looked at another house, I edited some pictures for a friend, and I packed up my apartment with my mom. A year ago my dad had a heart attack...and I miss him. I have dreaded this day for the past 364 days. I knew it would come, and I know it will go. Tonight as I got out of the shower I sat down on my bed and I allowed myself to remember the last few moments I had with him. He was talking to Ryan about the new Boston Red Sox hat that he had just got the night before. Reagan was so excited to see Pepa ( the kids had been with me at Keith's that Saturday night ) so she was trying to get every word in that she could. I won't go into the rest of my memories from that day... they aren't fun ones, or good ones really. I don't let myself think about that day, but tonight... I guess I just had to. A year ago my dad had a heart attack. I lost one of my best friends. I lost the man who could steer me in the right direction and always keep me on the path of life. Without him this year I have gotten so lost..and for him, for me, for my kids, I am fighting as hard as I can to find my way back. I cry for him tonight, and I shed tears from deep in my heart... a heart of girl who misses her daddy. I cry for my mom, who misses him more and more every day. I cry for my children, who I hope never forget his amazing memory. I cry for myself, who is in reality still his baby girl.

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. ~Enid Bagnold

A year ago my dad had a heart attack. He may be gone, but I will forever be his baby girl.

This is my world...

Someone just said that on the television as I was thinking of a title for this post. With all the shit going on right now, that pretty much chalks it up... "this is my world". I say that, yet it is so odd how I sometimes feel like an outsider looking in on my world. I feel like my "world" is always about to spin off its axis. ( oooh, yes..Jill remembered something from science!! ). I am not saying that is always a bad thing, but even when good things sometimes happen, its hard for me make sense of them. I have so much going on right now and as an adult I don't have any choice but to deal with every issue at hand. I could turn my back, run away, and try to find an "easy fix"...but in the end, it wouldn't fix anything would it? A girl that I work with told me today... " No matter where you go...there you are. " Now, if you know me, you know that I have an obsession with quotes... I heart them. Anyway.. so take a second and think about what that means.. "No matter where you go...there you are." Basically, running to another place, house, person... it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't make problems go away, and it most definitely does not allow you to escape the one thing that most people run from...themselves. You see, we have one life...one shot at happiness and one shot to find a way to make life worth waking up every morning happy to be where you are. Its up to each person to figure out what truly makes them happy. I don't think its one thing for each person, but a mix of all the little things. A heart full of love, a house full of laughter, a future worth looking forward to, and for most....someone to share it all with.

"Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who's struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you."

When I heard this the first time, it brought tears to my eyes. The past few months have left me feeling very alone in this world of mine. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo thankful for my children, friends, and my family. I do realize how lucky I am to have all those amazing people in my life. However.. there is something missing.. the one that helps me hear the music, the one that is out there, and the one that I wait patiently for to find me or maybe even return to me.

So, yes, this is my world. Sometimes sad, sometimes full of laughter, sometimes ridden with anger, sometimes flooded with tears... this is my world. I am ready to add hope and music back into my world... a world that one day might not just be my "my world", but an "our world".

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

That is my favorite quote from the twilight movie. I have seen this movie about 4-5 times now. ( thanks to www.watch-movies.net ) The movie does NOT do justice to the book, however, it is still a decent movie. ( in a low budget, not so great actors kind of way) Anyway, so that quote, what does it really mean? "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." I think it all boils down to one of the basic laws of attraction... opposites attract. At least to a certain point..okay, let me explain. If you have read the books, you know that as the love between Edward and Bella grows, so does their similarities. I don't think it is that either one really changed, but that their love connected them so much, that you start looking at them as "Edward and Bella" not "Edward" and "Bella". There are days when I miss Keith so much... missing the feeling of that "connection" and missing "Jill and Keith". Maybe that is why I have seen twilight so many times... that for 2 hours I can watch that movie and I can feel that connection and love again as I watch "Edward and Bella"... brings back good "Jill and Keith" memories. I will forever love the part in the movie as Edward whispers, " And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..."


*** I wanted to add, that this post is not all about me boo hoo'ing over Keith, so don't take it that way. It is that I was lucky enough in life to experience "that" connection. Keith and I are not together, but I do have my memories, and if there is something out there that can take away the daily anger, hurt, and confusion about that part of my life and replace it with that "Jill and Keith" feeling for a few hours...then so be it. I won't apologize for it. ***

And thus it has begun ....

Ahhhh, the Christmas parties have now begun...well, officially they start tonight. You might ask...what is tonight?? Let me tell you, tonight is our 2nd annual Christmas "girls night out"... This includes two of my great friends Tami and Allison. This year we are adding a little trouble to the mix and Sash is going to join in the fun. Trouble and Fun... the best combination EVER!! If I remember correctly I did NOT make it to work the day after last year's night out. ( this really should surprise no one...) Anyway, we are starting our night out at Nortons ( one of our favorite new happy hour spots, it's where the old Taco Milagro used to be. ) and everyone has to bring a 15$ gift, something good, not something that you would throw in a "Big Giant Box of Crap" ( ha ha...ONLY my GR girlies are going to get that ! ). Anyway, the gift exchange ensues...as does the fun of the night. There is one issue that is presenting itself a problem this year... ( except the having to work the next day thingy). Anyway, the problem I see is this... IT IS FREAKIN COLD PEOPLE !! We are talking 30's... I guess I should be thankful the sleet and snow was last night..ha, cause me driving on frozen roads is not a sight that even I would want to see!! So... it's cold which means everyone has to bundle up. I don't mind bundling up, but if I am going to go out, I at least want to make sure I am looking nice ya know? I guess I will be looking for my "looking hot" warmest sweater when I get home. ( oh but on another note...you and I both know, that there is going to be that ONE group of girls there that still have on the tube tops, halters, and semi-there clothing with their boobage all hanging out ( you know the 23 or 24 yr olds who are trying to get the attention of the older guys in the bar...sigh, they will learn their lesson in about 4-5 years huh?...these will be the girls that we proceed to make fun of all night long..especially after the third or fourth drink!! ). If you have made it through all of this, then I have pretty much covered the Thursday night plans. Friday night..on jeez, I don't know where to start. I'll tell ya what, I will save tomorrow's plans for tomorrow, and as an added bonus I will post the hilarities and outtakes of tonight. ( this will usually include Ashley falling one point during the night and one "self portrait" that I always take in the restroom) And thus it has begun....

Tucking in clean little kiddos...

I love the end of the day when I tuck Ry and Rae in bed. Tonight was a crazy night especially. If you didn't read my previous post..it is snowing here, which means it is cold and wet!!! Now, as much as I love snow, the cold sleet stuff... well, I could do without that! If you know anything about me, you know that I HATE to be cold. (this is where I would benefit from the great Snuggie that I so often speak of). Sorry, got sidetracked thinking of the great Snuggie... Anyway, so Ry and I get into a massive fight where I was sooo tempted to send that little boy to bed at 6:00 tonight with NO dinner. We finally made up ( ha ha...funny I have to make up with a 7.5 yr old ! ) and I fixed them dinner. Ummm, Macaroni & Cheese, and Broccoli constitutes as me cooking right? ( even though it was all microwavable stuff...??? ) Throughout the evening I have been doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, bathrooms, etc... Oh and I am seriously going to kill me two kitties !!! Even the kids were asking me to get rid of them. They are seriously possessed!!! So, in 3 hours I have cooked, cleaned, fought with kids, had them take showers ( school pictures are tomorrow..tender), and now they are in BED !!! God bless 8 oclock !! As for me, I am watching some One Tree Hill ( started over with Season 1 last night) and drinking a Bud Light Lime. Oh and for anyone wondering...this is my typical night. Now you can understand why I LOVE thursdays !!!! ( kids go to their dads on Thursday nights for those that don't know)

It's Snowing....

It's snowing here in Houston !!! I actually saw REAL snowflakes. I was bummed my battery was dead in my camera when I went to take pictures. I tried to snap a couple on my blackberry, but they really don't do it justice. I will however send them to my facebook just for the hell of it. Snow...I haven't seen snow in years. About three years ago it snowed on Christmas Eve...just a few snowflakes though, nothing like this. Snow means something more to me now. Every time it rains I think of my Dad, why you might ask...? Well, as crazy as this sounds, from the day my dad passed away, whenever I talk to him, am having a rough day and wonder if he is by my side, or when something really good and exciting happens...it rains. I can look back to so many moments over the past year...and the rain has always accompanied my father's memories. Today has been an especially rough day, one that has not been easy, in fact one of the hardest days of my life. Just when I feel my chest getting tight and the tears welling up, I go outside... and it is snowing. My dad needed me to know that on today of all days, he was here with me. ( at least that is how I would like to look at this tiny little miracle here in Houston, Texas ) Thank you Dad !!

"Just Friends"

For the past month I have been trying to be "just friends" with someone that I once loved. It has got to rank amongst the top 5 craptastic months I have lived through. I now believe what people say..."It is easy for friends to become lovers, but not for lovers to become friends." I have learned that you can't make the feelings in your heart and soul change from "I love you" to "hey buddy". I have learned that it just might be easier to walk away, at least then I don't have to say either. I only have to merely say, "Good Bye".

okay okay...

Okay,I got a few emails asking for these to be posted...

Here ya go....

Two months..

Its been two months since I posted a blog. I read through my last post and I cried. I was so broken and so sad and so lost. Some things have changed...some things have not.

My heart is still broken and I have learned that broken hearts take time to heal. Actually I am not sure if you ever heal from a broken heart... I think you just learn to live with it. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and before you know, you have become accustomed to living with a broken heart. I am still sad, but my friends, family, and kids give me something to be happy about and smile about on a daily basis. As for being lost, I guess you can say I am creating my own path out of the woods. It might not be the path that was intended for me, but it is MY path.
Let me make some sense of all of this...

Keith is still is in my life, and I hope he always is but its different now. He let me go and in turn I did the same. I guess that is what you do with someone you love...at least that's what I was told. I have secret wishes and hopes for us and if they are meant to be then one day..... well, we will have to see if that one day ever happens.

As for me and the kids, we are good... really good actually. We have had some ups and downs, but at the end of every day, they are my babies and I am their mother... it really is as simple and true as that. Nothing much more needs to be said. Oh and here is our Christmas card this year!!



My friends...where do I start?? My friends have been the ones who have literally put me back together through all of this. ( and by friends...I also include my mom who has been a best friend to me... ) There were days where I didn't know if the tears would stop flowing...and they wiped my tears and they held my hand, and they helped me get through those difficult days. Jen, Teresa, Ashley, Lacie, my mom... they were my rocks.

As for my path..well, it's slowly coming together. The kids and I are moving into a house in a few weeks. We are moving back to the Klein area, back to where my friends are, and their friends are. I am excited, scared, nervous, etc... This means I am here, in houston, awake and aware and ready for life. I've been lost for the past few months and it feels good to finally see a little bit of light.

There is a long way to go. If anyone has the magic potion for healing a broken heart, let me know. Until then, I will let the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months....

Sleep and a few other random things...

I used to be a horrible sleeper, well I guess I still am sometimes. It got so bad at one point that no matter how exhausted I was, I had to take a sleeping pill to sleep. I am trying to figure out when all that changed. Before, it was like I was afraid to sleep. I was afraid I would miss something. Keith was there, and he was always steadily breathing beside me. I could hear his breaths slow down and accelerate as he dreamed. I didn't want to sleep, I would miss time, precious time with him. Now that he is gone, I escape to sleep. I yearn to close my eyes and drift off to where I can dream of being happy, with him beside me again. When I dream now, it isn't off and on. I sleep for hours upon hours, never waking from him. When the morning comes I close my eyes tight trying to get back to him, knowing that it isn't going to happen. So, I get up and start my day. I go through the motions, and yes, I laugh, I smile, ( I do have my friends, family, and children who fill my days with support and love )I love, and I live my life. At the end of the day when all those things are silent and as I lay down on my pillow ( the one that used to smell of him, but has lost his scent over the weeks) all I wish is for sleep to overtake me yet again.

I know everyone is probably sick and tired of reading about this...hell, try living it. So, I am going to add a few little snippets about other things in life.
First off, I can't believe it is October. That brings on the dreaded halloween costume shopping nightmare. I am not sure what to do this year. Last year halloween fell on a night that Chris had the kids..well, the same thing applies this year. I HATE missing Halloween with them. Reagan wants to be an angel...am I the ONLY person that sees a problem with this? Personally I think she would make an adorable little puppy or something like that. Ryan wants to be some random Star Wars something or other ( all I have to say is that my son will NOT be a Trekee or whatever it is they call those star wars freak). We will see what they really end up being. School is going good for them. Ryan is doing well and Rae...well Rae is having talking too much issues, but did we expect any different really?

I am 99.9% positive that I am going to be moving into a house ( wink wink Lacie ) in the middle of December. The kids will love it. They will have sooo much more room, a backyard, etc. I am excited for that as well.

So, that is about it..for now, for this hour. If any other "life changes" occur I will be sure to update. It is Thursday, so at least the weekend is coming up. I NEED a weekend to sleep late and relax, but then again, don't we all ??

Twilight

Okay, I jumped on the band wagon and started reading these books... no don't worry my WHOLE post isn't going to be about the books specifically.. don't worry !! So, yes I started reading the series and am almost done with book 4 ( Breaking Dawn ). 4 books in 4 days..not too bad huh? So, anyone who knows me knows what an emotional roller coaster I have been on. My friends and family have seen me up and down, hopeful, then full of dispair. I think these books helped me relate in so many ways.

I have come to the conclusion that Keith is my Edward. He is my "heroin of choice" so to speak. He is the one I can't explain why I am connected to him, why I can't ever let him go, and why I love him so much. I understood Bella's pain when she said there was a hole in her and that you can find things to ignore that empty feeling and you surround yourself with daily routine, but when night time comes and everything is quiet, it is the worst feeling in the world. The sad thing is that Edward comes back to her, he realizes that he can't live without her and that they needed eachother. I don't think my fairy tell is going to end like that. I know my life isn't a book, but still, it put words to what i was feeling. It was...refreshing actually.. as much as it hurt, it was refreshing to see on paper the pain that I can't explain. I also empathize with her when she explains that she never took a real breath.. a full breath during the time he was gone. Oh, what I would give to be able to breathe the way that I do with him. However, Keith is not here. He is gone and he will probably NEVER realize what he really truly means to me. Maybe one day he will understand, maybe one day he will meet the person that completes everything he is, maybe I am that person. That is not for me to decide.

So, just like Bella people told her to move on, to be happy. She did find things that made her happy, made her laugh, and made her forget her pain for awhile, but it never made her forget Edward. Once alone, everything came rushing back. Oh, how I relate to it all. I know what its like to be safe from the world in someone's arms. I know what its like to dream so vividly about a person that you don't want to wake up, unless he is laying there beside you. Every emotion she felt, I understand.

I am not ready to "move on" and "be happy" like everyone is telling me to. I can't because it would be lying to myself. If it means being with just myself, then that is what it will be. I can't imagine having another person walk in my life and ever making me love the way that I loved Keith. Maybe it is a matter of time, they say time heals all wounds.... I just don't have the answers and I really am not looking for them right now. I am just living, day by day, dreading the nights when I am alone, but welcoming sleep so I can be with him again.