A year has come and gone...

A year has come and gone since my dad passed away. I am not the same person I was on January 7, 2008. How could I be? I have dreaded this day for the past year. As the 7th of every month passed I shed tears for him. A lot of them were tears of anger, tears of frustration and tears of complete sorrow. I grieved in silence and rarely did I let on how hurt and devastated I was...am. Only a few people in my life have seen the pain that his death caused. Today when I woke up.. it was different. Am I still sad, sorrowful, grieving??? Of course. Am I still angry, frustrated, and devastated? Not as much. I will be honest and admit that most of my anger was towards God for taking my father away from me. I was angry that my children wouldn't have more time with him and I was angry that he wouldn't be there with me, my mom, my family. Somewhere along the way the anger faded and I started to believe and trust in God again. I know with all my heart that not only is God with me every second of the day, but so is my dad. He is with me, my sisters, my mother, my children, their children, and with everyone else who he loved in life. How can I be angry about that?
Instead of crying and writing about how much I miss him ( which I do...I terribly!!) I am going to add one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems. ( and I have probably quoted this before on this blog...but it IS one of my favorites and my dad introduced me to Emily Dickinson, so it is only appropriate)

"Hope" is the thing with feathers --
That perches in the soul --
And sings the tune without the words --
And never stops -- at all --

And sweetest -- in the Gale -- is heard --
And sore must be the storm --
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm --

I've heard it in the chillest land --
And on the strangest Sea --
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb -- of Me.

If you don't feel like taking time to really figure out what the poem is about, let me help you out. Emily Dickson is saying that on the brightest of days and in the darkest of nights, hope does not go away. Hope doesn't ask anything of you, it doesn't take anything of you, but instead is constant. Hope... the promise that things do get better, life goes on, and happiness is ahead. I didn't have a lot of hope during this year, at least I didn't look for it. It was there...is there, and it is there for everyone. Knowing that my dad is looking out for me has given me hope. Knowing that my dad will guide me towards happiness and success, that has given me hope. Even through his death and my families greatest loss, he leaves us with hope. We just have to open our eyes and our hearts and believe in that hope.

A year has come and gone and finally I have hope. Thank you dad and remember, I will always love you and I will always be your little girl.