Reflections...
I haven't posted a blog in a long time. Probably because so much has happened in my life that has left me speechless. That and everytime I did post something on here somone took it upon themselves to send me nasty anonymous posts. Anyway, so over the past few weeks/months I feel like I have been watching my life spin and twirl from outside of my body. I have been brought back into touch with life and reality with a lot that has happened in the past few weeks.
First I found out that there was a chance that Chris was going to start a new job in Colorado. Deep down I didn't think it would happen, but it did. Ry and Rae have about a week left with him here. My heart breaks for them. They will only see their dad around 24 days in the next year and that thought...well it brings tears to my eyes. One thing I can say is that Chris is a good father and it is a shame that he will miss so much of the next year. Ry is my little soldier who has been so strong through all of this right now but he has also had his Dad there for him whenever he needed him. I know deep down that Ry will be okay but it is going to be very hard on him. I try to be the best mother I can be, but let's face it I am not a father. As for Rae, I just see her getting even more clingy. My Dad is there for her and she seems to be bonding with him more and more as the days go by. She is already a mamma's girl and has become even more so lately. Anyway, the next year is going to be a test for me. I have to make it through. I don't have a choice. Learning to stand on my two feet has been empowering and scary as hell.
Then on top of all this I lost a very important person in my life. Actually it might be two. That is just a waiting game. I am not going into details of anything on here involving that but lets just say I love this person more than I can ever imagine and not having that person there...well a part of me is empty now. If I lose the other person...well I don't know.
On a good note there are people that have come into my life when I least expected it. I am finally feeling alive and awake in life. Through all the heartbreak, disappointment, loss and everything else it is nice to know there is hope that life does go on. I am certain that I can still get close to another person and not be scared to take a leap of faith. Now don't go reading into this last paragraph. No one knows ( okay okay T and L know ) some of what is going on right now. However, it will not come out on here. I just,..I don't know.... am living life and going with the flow of everything that comes my way.
With all of this being said I have made mistakes ( some really really bad mistakes and some that are a whoops kind of mistake), I have said things I shouldn't, I have jumped to conclusions, and I have done things out of character to myself. I am not perfect. I will never claim to be. I am just me right now and I am trying to learn what that means. Some things that have happened caused me to hold a mirror up to my life and have really made me realize that it was time to get back to being Jill instead of the person that I had turned in to.
So, there it is. That is my update. Maybe in a couple of weeks I will have some better news. Right now I am optimistic and looking forward to the days as they come.
