Finding peace...

Today is the first day since December 16th that I have woken up and felt an ounce of peace in my heart. Not sure what caused it really. Last night I was up until about two or three in the morning trying to process everything that has happened to me in the past five months. I have had the mentality that I was given more than I could handle. I have spent the past month running away from everything. I am not talking about just my Dad, but about the divorce as well. I have heard the phrase "everything happens for a reason" too many times to count and truthfully had gotten sick and tired of hearing it. Last night I stopped and faced everything head on. It hurt, oh man did it hurt. Losing my Dad hurts the most, how can it not? However, I have to believe that he is the one giving me strength to carry on with life. He is the one with his hand on my shoulder as I stand strong in the divorce and fight for my happiness. As for the divorce, well out of respect for my kids the only I will say is that I hope things can be settled and finalized as soon as possible. I think everyone just wants to move on with life.
That leads me to the next thing...through all the heartaches and headaches there have been a few things that fill my heart with joy. The first is my kids. Really, how can you not smile when a snaggle toothed seven year old rushes to give you a hug the minute you walk through the door? How can I not feel warmth in my heart to see a little girl carrying a possum around her neck 24/7? Things haven't been easy on them. I can see that. We all can...at least if you are a part of their life you can. However, I do have to say that EVERY person in their lives have shown them so much love and compassion. I am grateful that my kids are lucky enough to have people who love them so much.
There is another person who has come into my life who has managed to break down every wall that I have ever built up around my heart. No one has been able to do that so far in my life. That relationship is very personal so I will just say that he fills my life with so much happiness and love. NEVER in a million years did I think I would find that. I guess everything does happen for a reason.
So like I said last night as I was thinking about all of this I did exactly what I needed to do. I cried for my Dad but smiled through the tears knowing that he will never leave my side now. I cried for my kids having to cope with the divorce, but smiled through even those tears knowing they are being given so much love right now. I cried at the thought of finally being able to be myself and open my heart up to another person, and again I smiled through those tears feeling nothing but happiness by having this person in my life.
Is everything okay? No. Is every day going to feel peaceful? No. However, it is a step in the right direction. It is a realization that life does go on, good or bad, happy or sad. It is one day that I needed of peace in my heart that makes me know that one day everything is going to good again.

Life keeps going on....

Yep, it has been awhile since I have updated. It was too hard to do it before. It is still hard, but I have learned some things in the past week.

On Monday January 7th my father passed away. Almost 3 weeks to the day of when he had his heart attack. I woke up at 4 in the morning that monday and I knew it was going to be my Dad's last day. Just something in my heart told me so. When my mom told me I was driving. The day was already overcast, but at that moment the sky opened up and started pouring. That was like my heart. For the past three weeks I had shut down. I had shut almost everyone out. I was so angry, scared and bitter that I couldn't begin to face the emotion of being sad. That night I turned to my family and we held eachother. For that instant, that day, they were the only people in the world who felt as much pain as I did. My mother lost her life partner and me and my sisters lost our father. No one prepares you in life for that kind of pain. I finally let myself hurt on the outside instead of just the inside. I let my family see me hurt and I held them as I let them hold me. That day, that feeling, that everything will never escape me.

We had a memorial service for my dad on Friday the 11th. Friends who I hadn't seen in years were there. One of my friends from highschool, who I haven't seen in years, but who grew up with me knowing my Dad came. That meant a lot. Friends who have been calling and talking to me everyday even when they knew I wasn't ready to open up or feel anything yet were there. Lacie and Teresa have been amazing through all of this. Talk about knowing that people really do care. Teresa was the last of my friends to pass by me at the end. I just cried as we hugged because I knew it was okay to be sad and it was okay to lean on people when I just wasn't strong enough at that moment. Besides my family, ( who I can't even put into words the amount of love and strength they have all provided ) there has been one person who has had open arms since the day of the heart attack. Keith has been the pair of arms who has held me in the middle of the night when I fall apart and who has wiped away most of my tears. My Dad didn't get to know him, but I know he is in heaven, happy that I have found the person who makes me smile and love from the inside out.

The days leading up to the memorial service were amazing. At first I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through, but I learned an important life lesson last week. Friends and family help the pain. My mom, sisters, and I spent a good part of last week going through old pictures of my Dad, which of course led to lots of stories. I created a DVD with pictures and music and my sisters worked together to make three beautiful picture boards of my Dad's life. We talked about weddings, births, and just funny "dad" stories. On Thursday night Andi and I went to a mexican restaurant for a few drinks. As we sat there talking about Dad and life in general we cried. Yep, in the middle of this restaurant we sat there with tears in our eyes and it was okay. It was okay to be sad together, okay to laugh together, and it was okay to know that we have to move on with life.

As my mom and I talked about things we need to do, etc... last night I realized that life has to keep going. Through the pain and sadness, life doesn't stop or slow down. I still have to wake up, go to work, pay the bills, be a mom and do this thing called life. We all do. At least I know that with every step I take, heck for that matter for every step my mom, sisters, kids, neices, and nephews take... there will be one set of footprints following... my Dads. How amazing is that?
I am going to miss him more than I can fathom. There are going to be days in my life where it is going to physically hurt not having him there. There are going to be days where I have big decisions to make and I am going to want his opinions. I will have to do the only thing I know to do...close my eyes and know that he is there. As my life goes on so does his, in my heart.