Finding peace...

Today is the first day since December 16th that I have woken up and felt an ounce of peace in my heart. Not sure what caused it really. Last night I was up until about two or three in the morning trying to process everything that has happened to me in the past five months. I have had the mentality that I was given more than I could handle. I have spent the past month running away from everything. I am not talking about just my Dad, but about the divorce as well. I have heard the phrase "everything happens for a reason" too many times to count and truthfully had gotten sick and tired of hearing it. Last night I stopped and faced everything head on. It hurt, oh man did it hurt. Losing my Dad hurts the most, how can it not? However, I have to believe that he is the one giving me strength to carry on with life. He is the one with his hand on my shoulder as I stand strong in the divorce and fight for my happiness. As for the divorce, well out of respect for my kids the only I will say is that I hope things can be settled and finalized as soon as possible. I think everyone just wants to move on with life.
That leads me to the next thing...through all the heartaches and headaches there have been a few things that fill my heart with joy. The first is my kids. Really, how can you not smile when a snaggle toothed seven year old rushes to give you a hug the minute you walk through the door? How can I not feel warmth in my heart to see a little girl carrying a possum around her neck 24/7? Things haven't been easy on them. I can see that. We all can...at least if you are a part of their life you can. However, I do have to say that EVERY person in their lives have shown them so much love and compassion. I am grateful that my kids are lucky enough to have people who love them so much.
There is another person who has come into my life who has managed to break down every wall that I have ever built up around my heart. No one has been able to do that so far in my life. That relationship is very personal so I will just say that he fills my life with so much happiness and love. NEVER in a million years did I think I would find that. I guess everything does happen for a reason.
So like I said last night as I was thinking about all of this I did exactly what I needed to do. I cried for my Dad but smiled through the tears knowing that he will never leave my side now. I cried for my kids having to cope with the divorce, but smiled through even those tears knowing they are being given so much love right now. I cried at the thought of finally being able to be myself and open my heart up to another person, and again I smiled through those tears feeling nothing but happiness by having this person in my life.
Is everything okay? No. Is every day going to feel peaceful? No. However, it is a step in the right direction. It is a realization that life does go on, good or bad, happy or sad. It is one day that I needed of peace in my heart that makes me know that one day everything is going to good again.