Funny how life works...

So yesterday I posted about how sad I was about not having my dad here with me. I was in tears for hours last night, missing him and wanting him to be there with me. My faith was reaffirmed today. Let me explain a little:
I have been trying to find a house..a home...for me and my kids for the past month. It seems that every time I found something that I "loved" , something would happen and I would be turned down. My credit wasn't good enough, my employment at my work wasn't long enough ( only been here since April ), and I could go on and on. Anyway, I had given up hope. I was frustrated !! I was sooo down on myself because what kind of mother am I if I can't even find a place for me and my kids to live? I made plans to put all my stuff in storage and go stay with my mom for awhile. I had literally given up. One of my friends Lacie had always told me, "God will never give you more than you can handle", man on man... I had reached my breaking point the other night. Finally, I did the only thing I knew to do... I gave it all up to him. I admitted that I had been trying to "make" my life into what I WANTED, not what he intends for me. I told him that I had faith that he would send me a home, that he would heal my broken heart, and that he would give me the strength to face it all. As I said yesterday, it was the one year anniversary of my father's heart attack. I had an appointment to go look at a house, but I wasn't getting my hopes up. In fact, I didn't really even like what I saw in the pictures. The house is in the neighborhood that I wanted, so I figured I would go see it anyway. The owner of the house is the representing agent. She was there, with her two children. She has two girls, who are 25 months apart in age ( same difference as Rae and Ry), and she had such a warm heart. I could feel the warmth of the house. A family lived there. The rooms had toys in them, the carpet had a few stains, and the walls were even colored on. The owner reassured me that all the carpets would be professionally cleaned as well as the entire house, all the walls would be painted.. and as an extra blessing she told me she would leave her washer, dryer, and fridge for me if I needed it. Where did this angel come from? I apologized for my credit and told her my mom was willing to be a co-applicant. She simply told me that wasn't necessary, that she would lease the house to me in my name only and that she had a good feeling about me. She said she could tell I was a good person. In my heart of hearts, I knew that God and my dad had brought me to my future home. My father's led me by the hand to this house.. on yesterday of all days. As luck would have it, she approved the application, signed the lease, and in three weeks I will be living in my new house. I truly believe that God is laying my intended path in front of me. This wasn't the "best" house that I saw and it wasn't my "favorite" house that I saw, but this house is better. It is my new "home".
Now, don't think I am all fine and dandy and smiling and full of woo hoo's about life. It is going to take some time, and the only thing that I DO know right now is that I have put it all into God's hands. I will keep my eyes open and whatever he intends for me... well, I guess I am finally ready for it.

I might write more on this tonight...not sure, but for now, I just think it is really funny how life works....

A year ago....

A year ago my Dad had a heart attack. I watched it. My children watched it. The doctors were able to restart his heart but my DAD never returned to us.. in reality, a year ago I lost my father. I kept busy today. I went and looked at another house, I edited some pictures for a friend, and I packed up my apartment with my mom. A year ago my dad had a heart attack...and I miss him. I have dreaded this day for the past 364 days. I knew it would come, and I know it will go. Tonight as I got out of the shower I sat down on my bed and I allowed myself to remember the last few moments I had with him. He was talking to Ryan about the new Boston Red Sox hat that he had just got the night before. Reagan was so excited to see Pepa ( the kids had been with me at Keith's that Saturday night ) so she was trying to get every word in that she could. I won't go into the rest of my memories from that day... they aren't fun ones, or good ones really. I don't let myself think about that day, but tonight... I guess I just had to. A year ago my dad had a heart attack. I lost one of my best friends. I lost the man who could steer me in the right direction and always keep me on the path of life. Without him this year I have gotten so lost..and for him, for me, for my kids, I am fighting as hard as I can to find my way back. I cry for him tonight, and I shed tears from deep in my heart... a heart of girl who misses her daddy. I cry for my mom, who misses him more and more every day. I cry for my children, who I hope never forget his amazing memory. I cry for myself, who is in reality still his baby girl.

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. ~Enid Bagnold

A year ago my dad had a heart attack. He may be gone, but I will forever be his baby girl.

This is my world...

Someone just said that on the television as I was thinking of a title for this post. With all the shit going on right now, that pretty much chalks it up... "this is my world". I say that, yet it is so odd how I sometimes feel like an outsider looking in on my world. I feel like my "world" is always about to spin off its axis. ( oooh, yes..Jill remembered something from science!! ). I am not saying that is always a bad thing, but even when good things sometimes happen, its hard for me make sense of them. I have so much going on right now and as an adult I don't have any choice but to deal with every issue at hand. I could turn my back, run away, and try to find an "easy fix"...but in the end, it wouldn't fix anything would it? A girl that I work with told me today... " No matter where you go...there you are. " Now, if you know me, you know that I have an obsession with quotes... I heart them. Anyway.. so take a second and think about what that means.. "No matter where you go...there you are." Basically, running to another place, house, person... it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't make problems go away, and it most definitely does not allow you to escape the one thing that most people run from...themselves. You see, we have one life...one shot at happiness and one shot to find a way to make life worth waking up every morning happy to be where you are. Its up to each person to figure out what truly makes them happy. I don't think its one thing for each person, but a mix of all the little things. A heart full of love, a house full of laughter, a future worth looking forward to, and for most....someone to share it all with.

"Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who's struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you."

When I heard this the first time, it brought tears to my eyes. The past few months have left me feeling very alone in this world of mine. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo thankful for my children, friends, and my family. I do realize how lucky I am to have all those amazing people in my life. However.. there is something missing.. the one that helps me hear the music, the one that is out there, and the one that I wait patiently for to find me or maybe even return to me.

So, yes, this is my world. Sometimes sad, sometimes full of laughter, sometimes ridden with anger, sometimes flooded with tears... this is my world. I am ready to add hope and music back into my world... a world that one day might not just be my "my world", but an "our world".

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

That is my favorite quote from the twilight movie. I have seen this movie about 4-5 times now. ( thanks to www.watch-movies.net ) The movie does NOT do justice to the book, however, it is still a decent movie. ( in a low budget, not so great actors kind of way) Anyway, so that quote, what does it really mean? "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." I think it all boils down to one of the basic laws of attraction... opposites attract. At least to a certain point..okay, let me explain. If you have read the books, you know that as the love between Edward and Bella grows, so does their similarities. I don't think it is that either one really changed, but that their love connected them so much, that you start looking at them as "Edward and Bella" not "Edward" and "Bella". There are days when I miss Keith so much... missing the feeling of that "connection" and missing "Jill and Keith". Maybe that is why I have seen twilight so many times... that for 2 hours I can watch that movie and I can feel that connection and love again as I watch "Edward and Bella"... brings back good "Jill and Keith" memories. I will forever love the part in the movie as Edward whispers, " And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..."


*** I wanted to add, that this post is not all about me boo hoo'ing over Keith, so don't take it that way. It is that I was lucky enough in life to experience "that" connection. Keith and I are not together, but I do have my memories, and if there is something out there that can take away the daily anger, hurt, and confusion about that part of my life and replace it with that "Jill and Keith" feeling for a few hours...then so be it. I won't apologize for it. ***

And thus it has begun ....

Ahhhh, the Christmas parties have now begun...well, officially they start tonight. You might ask...what is tonight?? Let me tell you, tonight is our 2nd annual Christmas "girls night out"... This includes two of my great friends Tami and Allison. This year we are adding a little trouble to the mix and Sash is going to join in the fun. Trouble and Fun... the best combination EVER!! If I remember correctly I did NOT make it to work the day after last year's night out. ( this really should surprise no one...) Anyway, we are starting our night out at Nortons ( one of our favorite new happy hour spots, it's where the old Taco Milagro used to be. ) and everyone has to bring a 15$ gift, something good, not something that you would throw in a "Big Giant Box of Crap" ( ha ha...ONLY my GR girlies are going to get that ! ). Anyway, the gift exchange ensues...as does the fun of the night. There is one issue that is presenting itself a problem this year... ( except the having to work the next day thingy). Anyway, the problem I see is this... IT IS FREAKIN COLD PEOPLE !! We are talking 30's... I guess I should be thankful the sleet and snow was last night..ha, cause me driving on frozen roads is not a sight that even I would want to see!! So... it's cold which means everyone has to bundle up. I don't mind bundling up, but if I am going to go out, I at least want to make sure I am looking nice ya know? I guess I will be looking for my "looking hot" warmest sweater when I get home. ( oh but on another note...you and I both know, that there is going to be that ONE group of girls there that still have on the tube tops, halters, and semi-there clothing with their boobage all hanging out ( you know the 23 or 24 yr olds who are trying to get the attention of the older guys in the bar...sigh, they will learn their lesson in about 4-5 years huh?...these will be the girls that we proceed to make fun of all night long..especially after the third or fourth drink!! ). If you have made it through all of this, then I have pretty much covered the Thursday night plans. Friday night..on jeez, I don't know where to start. I'll tell ya what, I will save tomorrow's plans for tomorrow, and as an added bonus I will post the hilarities and outtakes of tonight. ( this will usually include Ashley falling one point during the night and one "self portrait" that I always take in the restroom) And thus it has begun....

Tucking in clean little kiddos...

I love the end of the day when I tuck Ry and Rae in bed. Tonight was a crazy night especially. If you didn't read my previous post..it is snowing here, which means it is cold and wet!!! Now, as much as I love snow, the cold sleet stuff... well, I could do without that! If you know anything about me, you know that I HATE to be cold. (this is where I would benefit from the great Snuggie that I so often speak of). Sorry, got sidetracked thinking of the great Snuggie... Anyway, so Ry and I get into a massive fight where I was sooo tempted to send that little boy to bed at 6:00 tonight with NO dinner. We finally made up ( ha ha...funny I have to make up with a 7.5 yr old ! ) and I fixed them dinner. Ummm, Macaroni & Cheese, and Broccoli constitutes as me cooking right? ( even though it was all microwavable stuff...??? ) Throughout the evening I have been doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, bathrooms, etc... Oh and I am seriously going to kill me two kitties !!! Even the kids were asking me to get rid of them. They are seriously possessed!!! So, in 3 hours I have cooked, cleaned, fought with kids, had them take showers ( school pictures are tomorrow..tender), and now they are in BED !!! God bless 8 oclock !! As for me, I am watching some One Tree Hill ( started over with Season 1 last night) and drinking a Bud Light Lime. Oh and for anyone wondering...this is my typical night. Now you can understand why I LOVE thursdays !!!! ( kids go to their dads on Thursday nights for those that don't know)

It's Snowing....

It's snowing here in Houston !!! I actually saw REAL snowflakes. I was bummed my battery was dead in my camera when I went to take pictures. I tried to snap a couple on my blackberry, but they really don't do it justice. I will however send them to my facebook just for the hell of it. Snow...I haven't seen snow in years. About three years ago it snowed on Christmas Eve...just a few snowflakes though, nothing like this. Snow means something more to me now. Every time it rains I think of my Dad, why you might ask...? Well, as crazy as this sounds, from the day my dad passed away, whenever I talk to him, am having a rough day and wonder if he is by my side, or when something really good and exciting happens...it rains. I can look back to so many moments over the past year...and the rain has always accompanied my father's memories. Today has been an especially rough day, one that has not been easy, in fact one of the hardest days of my life. Just when I feel my chest getting tight and the tears welling up, I go outside... and it is snowing. My dad needed me to know that on today of all days, he was here with me. ( at least that is how I would like to look at this tiny little miracle here in Houston, Texas ) Thank you Dad !!

"Just Friends"

For the past month I have been trying to be "just friends" with someone that I once loved. It has got to rank amongst the top 5 craptastic months I have lived through. I now believe what people say..."It is easy for friends to become lovers, but not for lovers to become friends." I have learned that you can't make the feelings in your heart and soul change from "I love you" to "hey buddy". I have learned that it just might be easier to walk away, at least then I don't have to say either. I only have to merely say, "Good Bye".

okay okay...

Okay,I got a few emails asking for these to be posted...

Here ya go....

Two months..

Its been two months since I posted a blog. I read through my last post and I cried. I was so broken and so sad and so lost. Some things have changed...some things have not.

My heart is still broken and I have learned that broken hearts take time to heal. Actually I am not sure if you ever heal from a broken heart... I think you just learn to live with it. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and before you know, you have become accustomed to living with a broken heart. I am still sad, but my friends, family, and kids give me something to be happy about and smile about on a daily basis. As for being lost, I guess you can say I am creating my own path out of the woods. It might not be the path that was intended for me, but it is MY path.
Let me make some sense of all of this...

Keith is still is in my life, and I hope he always is but its different now. He let me go and in turn I did the same. I guess that is what you do with someone you love...at least that's what I was told. I have secret wishes and hopes for us and if they are meant to be then one day..... well, we will have to see if that one day ever happens.

As for me and the kids, we are good... really good actually. We have had some ups and downs, but at the end of every day, they are my babies and I am their mother... it really is as simple and true as that. Nothing much more needs to be said. Oh and here is our Christmas card this year!!



My friends...where do I start?? My friends have been the ones who have literally put me back together through all of this. ( and by friends...I also include my mom who has been a best friend to me... ) There were days where I didn't know if the tears would stop flowing...and they wiped my tears and they held my hand, and they helped me get through those difficult days. Jen, Teresa, Ashley, Lacie, my mom... they were my rocks.

As for my path..well, it's slowly coming together. The kids and I are moving into a house in a few weeks. We are moving back to the Klein area, back to where my friends are, and their friends are. I am excited, scared, nervous, etc... This means I am here, in houston, awake and aware and ready for life. I've been lost for the past few months and it feels good to finally see a little bit of light.

There is a long way to go. If anyone has the magic potion for healing a broken heart, let me know. Until then, I will let the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months....