Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Changes...

I haven't posted anything on here in almost a year. Wow, I can't believe it has been that long. So much has changed. I have grown a lot and learned a lot this year.
Before I get into any of it, let me address what drew me here to write today in the first place.

Two years ago today my father had a heart attack. Right before it happened, I had come into the house with Ryan and Reagan and was having a conversation with my Dad about everything that had happened that weekend. My life as I knew it ( and everyone elses life who loved my Dad) was about to change. In the blink of an eye my dad was in the throws of a major heart attack. Everything else is a blur. I remember making my kids leave the room, the paramedics coming, and my dad looking so scared and in pain when they left with him. He went into full cardiac arrest in the ambulance. They lost a pulse on him for 45 minutes. The doctors were able to physically bring my dad back, but he wasn't the same. To me, I lost my dad that day. I never heard his voice again, saw his smile, or saw the look of pure unconditional love in his blue eyes for me. I miss him EVERY DAY. I think about him EVERY DAY. I wonder how different my life would be if he was still here. I still get very sad..sometimes at the most random times. Other times I know he would be very proud of me for some of the things I have accomplished. My dad was a teacher at heart and always made sure I knew that life was a walk filled with lessons, good and bad. I write about him today, not just because he had a heart attack two years ago, but to also share the things I have learned in life because of his death.

The first thing is to love... don't just love a little bit, love unconditionally, fully, and with all your heart. My dad wasn't perfect, was far from it, but he loved my mother with all of his heart. I loved seeing what he put in her stocking every Christmas, cause it was so thoughtful and planned out. There was usually a CD of her favorite country artist, a little piece of jewelry, perfume of her favorite scent, and then there was usually something silly in there too. Everything under the Chrismtas tree was to "Lou", his nickname for her. My mom would get SOOOO angry when the Dillard's bill would come in January, but my dad couldn't help it. He loved to spoil her. The love her had for her taught me how to love. After he passed, I promised myself that I would not love out of convenience, guilt, etc... I would love someone because my heart and soul loves them just as much as my dad loved my mother.

Second, I learned to let the little things go. My dad was the kind of man who would get angry and ignore you for days. As a teenager this drove me CRAZY. As an adult I learned that this was his way of letting the little things go. When I look back I realize that my dad never got angry over the small things. He got angry because I wrecked my car...yet again, that I had a party while he was on vacation with my mom, you know...big things. He always let me know with his , "look" that he was irritated if I did something small...like wait til the last minute to do a paper, or "forget" to clean my room, but he knew that a look was all it would take. As an adult I am bad about focusing on the little things. I feel like I have to do everything perfect, and that I expect my kids to do them perfect as well. There are times when I have to think, "what would my dad do? ". Okay...there are a LOT of times when I have to ask myself, "What would my dad do".

The last thing I would have to say I have learned is that time is precious. You never know when you will be talking to someone for the last time. You never know when someone might disappear from your life. Enjoy your time with the people you love in your life. Take 10 minutes a day to talk to your parents. Stop and listen to your kids when they are telling you a story, b/c to them it is the most important thing that happened in their day. Hold the one you love, cuddle your children, and let everyone who matters know. Surround yourself with love, give it, receive it, cherish it. It is not always there tomorrow.

I miss my dad sometimes til it physically hurts. When I talk about him or think about him, it is still hard not to cry. Like I said, I wrote this today so that when you read this, you think about how precious life is and not to take one single thing for granted.

Now....on to what has happened with me the past year. I will try to give you the short version as i have rambled on and on already.

Hmmm, well 2008 was a challenge for me to say the least. I found love, lost it, and then found it again. Keith moved back to Houston in March of this year. He also moved in with me. It has been a learning experience for both of us. We both have different ways of doing things, as most couples do, and are still try to mesh all of that together. Over the past 8 months I have gotten to know his family, and can honestly say that they have made me feel like I belong there. His mom is an amazing woman, so now I am lucky enough to have my mom ( who would go to the ends of the earth for me and my kids) and now I have Charlene in my life. I have so much to learn from both of these women. We have also been lucky enough to spend a lot of time with all our kids ( Cam, Rae, and Ryan ). There is a learning curve there as well!! I think I am at my happiest when I wake up on a Sunday morning knowing that everyone is there under one roof. Keith and I built and bought a house as well. We moved about two weeks ago. Yes, there are still boxes left unpack. We put up a huge 9 ft christmas tree and are looking forward to having a fantastic Christmas at our house. I love Keith more than there are words for, and I hope that 2010 brings nothing but good things for us.

Okay...now that you have read this for 30 minutes, I will say sorry for being absent, but maybe now that things are settling down a bit that I will be able to post more on here.

Happy Holidays!!

1 comment:

Lacie said...

I love you Jill and miss you!

About Me

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28 yr old Mom to two kids. I love photography, baseball (especially little league), and spending time with my kids. My friends are my lifeline and they keep me strong !!