An update I guess...

I figured I would post an update although there really isn't much to tell.

My dad is still in ICU. Things are still very up in the air. I just talked to my mom and she did tell me that when his feet are messed with that he has started pulling up his feet a little bit. It is unvoluntary movement, but at least it is something. He will take anything right now. He still is not responding to pain, sounds, voices, etc...

The neurologist saw him last night and ordered a whole battery of tests for today. Who knows when we will get the answers on them. I am not losing hope. I am hoping that come Christmas morning that he will be alert enough for us to visit him and celebrate with him.

I think everything finally hit me this morning. Up until now I have been pretty numb and shocked. I would have moments where I was okay and moments where I wasn't. Today has been a nightmare. I woke up feeling like my heart had cracked in half. Seriously, knowing that your father is that sick and there is not a damn thing you can do about it hurts more than anyone can imagine. ( unless they have already gone through it ). I keep replaying the events in my head. I keep having a a lot of what if's and maybe's play in my mind. No one was prepared for this. No one saw it coming. We are all still trying to figure out how to process it all.

Keep my dad in your prayers. We will take all we can get right now.

How do I do this???

How do I process this...

Today my father had a massive heart attack. He was without pulse for forty-five minutes and is now in the ICU fighting for his life. Surgery was performed to unblock the blocked artery, but we will know nothing for the next 24-36 hours.

What do I do? This is my father. I am his baby girl. He has to be okay. He can't not be okay. I don't even have words. I haven't blogged in forever, but I don't know what else to do. I thought I had experienced sadness and heartache, but today I learned I was wrong. The fear that I would lose him and the fact that we almost did made me realize what true pain is. He is my father for crying out loud!!! He is supposed to be here to see my kids grow. He is supposed to yell at me when I make the wrong decisions!! He is supposed to hug me and worry about me when everything in my world is spinning. He is supposed to smile and laugh at me as I find happiness and love. He is not allowed to not be there. He can't not be there !!!!
He is my dad, he is my kids Pepa. Their Pepa, their one and only. Rae is his Katie Kid and Ry is...well anyone that knows Ry and my dad, they have a bond that only they understand. Him and my kids have their own inside jokes. He takes them to the dollar store, gives them cookies and sugar behind my back, and scolds them only to apologize to them when he sees their tears. I'll be damned if the last memory my kids have of him is him being on a stretcher with the paramedics around him !!! He has to fight and he has to be okay. He has to watch them grow!! He can't not be here!