What I am worth....

I have had a lot of friends tell me that I need to take a good hard look at what I really think I am worth. That is hard for me. If you have known me any length of time, you know that I can't stand that self evaluation bull shit. However, I think it is time for me to finally do it and really come to the realization of what I am worth.

In this so called self reflection I am going to run into a lot of obstacles. I am not perfect and have made a lot of mistakes in life. I have hurt people and walked out of a lot of peoples lives. I didn't do these things on purpose but when I get hurt or scared I run. It is easier to look away, gather my things so to speak ( in a philosophical way of thinking), and head for the door. Why deal with pain? Why deal with being hurt? Well, for the first time in my life I am in the midst of feeling pain and dealing with a lot of hurt. I have allowed myself to get on a roller coaster that is ultimately going to throw me off. Why have I taken this ride? I am not sure, but I think it is because I am afraid that walking away is going to hurt more than staying. With all that being said there are a few things that I KNOW I deserve..hell any person deserves this.

-I deserve open communication. I am 29 yrs old and in an adult relationship the lines of communication has to be open. I don't deserve to be ignored or shunned. If I am willing to open myself up then the other person has to as well.

- I deserve respect. I am who I am. I worry about random things, I make dumb comments at times, and I have days where I might be a little needy. However, when I love I love with my whole heart, I will be there in good times and bad, and I will do anything for you.

- I deserve love. I deserve love, real love. Not the kind of love you turn off and on. I deserve a love that constant and never ending. I deserve a love that doesn't hurt and that isn't used against me. When I give love it is with no bounds. I won't say I will love you but... there is no "buts" in love. There are no exceptions or 2nd best. One sided love is not fair and I won't do it.

-I deserve happiness. I honestly truly deserve to be happy. Everyone does, even the people in this world who I despise the most...they deserve to be happy too. No matter how much pain a person might go through...hopefully happiness is in the end. I don't deserve to be made unhappy. I deserve to be happy and to make someone happy and to have them make me happy. I don't deserve to cry wanting something that someone else doesn't want. That is not happiness.

So there ya go, my self-reflection and my self worth. Do I believe in it yet...no probably not...should I...yes. I am hoping that I can find the strength to believe in my self worth and finally be able to have the things in my life I deserve...that everyone deserves.

I am back....

I can't believe it has been three and a half months since my last post. So much has happened in my life, good and bad I guess. I am not sure even where to begin.

My summer was a roller coaster. There are nights from this summer that will stay with me forever... vegas nights, 4th of July fireworks, shooting stars, trips to Midland, and so much more. It will be a summer that I will never forget for the rest of my life.
I was alive this summer. I laughed, I smiled, and I loved from the tips of my toes to the end of my nose. The nights were long and the days were filled with happiness. My memories from this summer are priceless and I will never forget my summer of 2008.

Now that summer is over life is getting back to normal. Ryan and Reagan are back in school. They are loving their new school. Can you believe Rae is in Kindy, cause I sure as hell can't. I am so proud of them though. Poor kids have been through so much this past year, yet they are both happy and full of life still. If only I could be as strong as they are...so resilient and brave. They are not the quiet and self-reserved kind of children. They never have been and I really don't want them to be. I want everyone in their life to love them for who they are, not who they want them to be. This is a huge life lesson I have learned this summer as well. Ry and Rae are my children, and I am their Mother. It is up to me to surround them with loving and amazing people. I just can't wait to see how much they change and grow in the next year.

As for me, I am doing okay...well, as good as I can be. I have had a lot of obstacles this year and hell, I am still on a road filled with road blocks, but I know that will only lead me to destination of happiness. I have learned that I can love someone down to my core and I have learned that I am deserving of a love like that. I have learned what it feels like to know that anger does not have to be a part of my life, and that laughter and happiness can fill it instead. I have also come to accept that not all loves are meant to last and that you have to let some loves go to see if they come back to you. I have gotten to experience loving someone so much that I can't breathe at times. I know what it is like to be in a person's arms and feel safe and secure, but I also found out what it is like to not have those arms around you all the time. I have learned what a broken heart feels like and that it is one of the worst pains I have ever felt. I also have felt hope and having faith that true love will conquer all. Above all I have learned that it is okay to be sad over telling someone goodbye, and it is okay to hurt, and it is okay to be weak at times. I have learned that it is okay to love someone as much as you possibly can.

The next few months are going to be my journey. I have changed so much in the past year and I hope that with these changes my life will turn into everything good intended for me. I know my friends and family will always be there for me and that they love me unconditionally.