What I am worth....

I have had a lot of friends tell me that I need to take a good hard look at what I really think I am worth. That is hard for me. If you have known me any length of time, you know that I can't stand that self evaluation bull shit. However, I think it is time for me to finally do it and really come to the realization of what I am worth.

In this so called self reflection I am going to run into a lot of obstacles. I am not perfect and have made a lot of mistakes in life. I have hurt people and walked out of a lot of peoples lives. I didn't do these things on purpose but when I get hurt or scared I run. It is easier to look away, gather my things so to speak ( in a philosophical way of thinking), and head for the door. Why deal with pain? Why deal with being hurt? Well, for the first time in my life I am in the midst of feeling pain and dealing with a lot of hurt. I have allowed myself to get on a roller coaster that is ultimately going to throw me off. Why have I taken this ride? I am not sure, but I think it is because I am afraid that walking away is going to hurt more than staying. With all that being said there are a few things that I KNOW I deserve..hell any person deserves this.

-I deserve open communication. I am 29 yrs old and in an adult relationship the lines of communication has to be open. I don't deserve to be ignored or shunned. If I am willing to open myself up then the other person has to as well.

- I deserve respect. I am who I am. I worry about random things, I make dumb comments at times, and I have days where I might be a little needy. However, when I love I love with my whole heart, I will be there in good times and bad, and I will do anything for you.

- I deserve love. I deserve love, real love. Not the kind of love you turn off and on. I deserve a love that constant and never ending. I deserve a love that doesn't hurt and that isn't used against me. When I give love it is with no bounds. I won't say I will love you but... there is no "buts" in love. There are no exceptions or 2nd best. One sided love is not fair and I won't do it.

-I deserve happiness. I honestly truly deserve to be happy. Everyone does, even the people in this world who I despise the most...they deserve to be happy too. No matter how much pain a person might go through...hopefully happiness is in the end. I don't deserve to be made unhappy. I deserve to be happy and to make someone happy and to have them make me happy. I don't deserve to cry wanting something that someone else doesn't want. That is not happiness.

So there ya go, my self-reflection and my self worth. Do I believe in it yet...no probably not...should I...yes. I am hoping that I can find the strength to believe in my self worth and finally be able to have the things in my life I deserve...that everyone deserves.