Sleep and a few other random things...

I used to be a horrible sleeper, well I guess I still am sometimes. It got so bad at one point that no matter how exhausted I was, I had to take a sleeping pill to sleep. I am trying to figure out when all that changed. Before, it was like I was afraid to sleep. I was afraid I would miss something. Keith was there, and he was always steadily breathing beside me. I could hear his breaths slow down and accelerate as he dreamed. I didn't want to sleep, I would miss time, precious time with him. Now that he is gone, I escape to sleep. I yearn to close my eyes and drift off to where I can dream of being happy, with him beside me again. When I dream now, it isn't off and on. I sleep for hours upon hours, never waking from him. When the morning comes I close my eyes tight trying to get back to him, knowing that it isn't going to happen. So, I get up and start my day. I go through the motions, and yes, I laugh, I smile, ( I do have my friends, family, and children who fill my days with support and love )I love, and I live my life. At the end of the day when all those things are silent and as I lay down on my pillow ( the one that used to smell of him, but has lost his scent over the weeks) all I wish is for sleep to overtake me yet again.

I know everyone is probably sick and tired of reading about this...hell, try living it. So, I am going to add a few little snippets about other things in life.
First off, I can't believe it is October. That brings on the dreaded halloween costume shopping nightmare. I am not sure what to do this year. Last year halloween fell on a night that Chris had the kids..well, the same thing applies this year. I HATE missing Halloween with them. Reagan wants to be an angel...am I the ONLY person that sees a problem with this? Personally I think she would make an adorable little puppy or something like that. Ryan wants to be some random Star Wars something or other ( all I have to say is that my son will NOT be a Trekee or whatever it is they call those star wars freak). We will see what they really end up being. School is going good for them. Ryan is doing well and Rae...well Rae is having talking too much issues, but did we expect any different really?

I am 99.9% positive that I am going to be moving into a house ( wink wink Lacie ) in the middle of December. The kids will love it. They will have sooo much more room, a backyard, etc. I am excited for that as well.

So, that is about it..for now, for this hour. If any other "life changes" occur I will be sure to update. It is Thursday, so at least the weekend is coming up. I NEED a weekend to sleep late and relax, but then again, don't we all ??

Twilight

Okay, I jumped on the band wagon and started reading these books... no don't worry my WHOLE post isn't going to be about the books specifically.. don't worry !! So, yes I started reading the series and am almost done with book 4 ( Breaking Dawn ). 4 books in 4 days..not too bad huh? So, anyone who knows me knows what an emotional roller coaster I have been on. My friends and family have seen me up and down, hopeful, then full of dispair. I think these books helped me relate in so many ways.

I have come to the conclusion that Keith is my Edward. He is my "heroin of choice" so to speak. He is the one I can't explain why I am connected to him, why I can't ever let him go, and why I love him so much. I understood Bella's pain when she said there was a hole in her and that you can find things to ignore that empty feeling and you surround yourself with daily routine, but when night time comes and everything is quiet, it is the worst feeling in the world. The sad thing is that Edward comes back to her, he realizes that he can't live without her and that they needed eachother. I don't think my fairy tell is going to end like that. I know my life isn't a book, but still, it put words to what i was feeling. It was...refreshing actually.. as much as it hurt, it was refreshing to see on paper the pain that I can't explain. I also empathize with her when she explains that she never took a real breath.. a full breath during the time he was gone. Oh, what I would give to be able to breathe the way that I do with him. However, Keith is not here. He is gone and he will probably NEVER realize what he really truly means to me. Maybe one day he will understand, maybe one day he will meet the person that completes everything he is, maybe I am that person. That is not for me to decide.

So, just like Bella people told her to move on, to be happy. She did find things that made her happy, made her laugh, and made her forget her pain for awhile, but it never made her forget Edward. Once alone, everything came rushing back. Oh, how I relate to it all. I know what its like to be safe from the world in someone's arms. I know what its like to dream so vividly about a person that you don't want to wake up, unless he is laying there beside you. Every emotion she felt, I understand.

I am not ready to "move on" and "be happy" like everyone is telling me to. I can't because it would be lying to myself. If it means being with just myself, then that is what it will be. I can't imagine having another person walk in my life and ever making me love the way that I loved Keith. Maybe it is a matter of time, they say time heals all wounds.... I just don't have the answers and I really am not looking for them right now. I am just living, day by day, dreading the nights when I am alone, but welcoming sleep so I can be with him again.