Twilight

Okay, I jumped on the band wagon and started reading these books... no don't worry my WHOLE post isn't going to be about the books specifically.. don't worry !! So, yes I started reading the series and am almost done with book 4 ( Breaking Dawn ). 4 books in 4 days..not too bad huh? So, anyone who knows me knows what an emotional roller coaster I have been on. My friends and family have seen me up and down, hopeful, then full of dispair. I think these books helped me relate in so many ways.

I have come to the conclusion that Keith is my Edward. He is my "heroin of choice" so to speak. He is the one I can't explain why I am connected to him, why I can't ever let him go, and why I love him so much. I understood Bella's pain when she said there was a hole in her and that you can find things to ignore that empty feeling and you surround yourself with daily routine, but when night time comes and everything is quiet, it is the worst feeling in the world. The sad thing is that Edward comes back to her, he realizes that he can't live without her and that they needed eachother. I don't think my fairy tell is going to end like that. I know my life isn't a book, but still, it put words to what i was feeling. It was...refreshing actually.. as much as it hurt, it was refreshing to see on paper the pain that I can't explain. I also empathize with her when she explains that she never took a real breath.. a full breath during the time he was gone. Oh, what I would give to be able to breathe the way that I do with him. However, Keith is not here. He is gone and he will probably NEVER realize what he really truly means to me. Maybe one day he will understand, maybe one day he will meet the person that completes everything he is, maybe I am that person. That is not for me to decide.

So, just like Bella people told her to move on, to be happy. She did find things that made her happy, made her laugh, and made her forget her pain for awhile, but it never made her forget Edward. Once alone, everything came rushing back. Oh, how I relate to it all. I know what its like to be safe from the world in someone's arms. I know what its like to dream so vividly about a person that you don't want to wake up, unless he is laying there beside you. Every emotion she felt, I understand.

I am not ready to "move on" and "be happy" like everyone is telling me to. I can't because it would be lying to myself. If it means being with just myself, then that is what it will be. I can't imagine having another person walk in my life and ever making me love the way that I loved Keith. Maybe it is a matter of time, they say time heals all wounds.... I just don't have the answers and I really am not looking for them right now. I am just living, day by day, dreading the nights when I am alone, but welcoming sleep so I can be with him again.