Funny how life works...

So yesterday I posted about how sad I was about not having my dad here with me. I was in tears for hours last night, missing him and wanting him to be there with me. My faith was reaffirmed today. Let me explain a little:
I have been trying to find a house..a home...for me and my kids for the past month. It seems that every time I found something that I "loved" , something would happen and I would be turned down. My credit wasn't good enough, my employment at my work wasn't long enough ( only been here since April ), and I could go on and on. Anyway, I had given up hope. I was frustrated !! I was sooo down on myself because what kind of mother am I if I can't even find a place for me and my kids to live? I made plans to put all my stuff in storage and go stay with my mom for awhile. I had literally given up. One of my friends Lacie had always told me, "God will never give you more than you can handle", man on man... I had reached my breaking point the other night. Finally, I did the only thing I knew to do... I gave it all up to him. I admitted that I had been trying to "make" my life into what I WANTED, not what he intends for me. I told him that I had faith that he would send me a home, that he would heal my broken heart, and that he would give me the strength to face it all. As I said yesterday, it was the one year anniversary of my father's heart attack. I had an appointment to go look at a house, but I wasn't getting my hopes up. In fact, I didn't really even like what I saw in the pictures. The house is in the neighborhood that I wanted, so I figured I would go see it anyway. The owner of the house is the representing agent. She was there, with her two children. She has two girls, who are 25 months apart in age ( same difference as Rae and Ry), and she had such a warm heart. I could feel the warmth of the house. A family lived there. The rooms had toys in them, the carpet had a few stains, and the walls were even colored on. The owner reassured me that all the carpets would be professionally cleaned as well as the entire house, all the walls would be painted.. and as an extra blessing she told me she would leave her washer, dryer, and fridge for me if I needed it. Where did this angel come from? I apologized for my credit and told her my mom was willing to be a co-applicant. She simply told me that wasn't necessary, that she would lease the house to me in my name only and that she had a good feeling about me. She said she could tell I was a good person. In my heart of hearts, I knew that God and my dad had brought me to my future home. My father's led me by the hand to this house.. on yesterday of all days. As luck would have it, she approved the application, signed the lease, and in three weeks I will be living in my new house. I truly believe that God is laying my intended path in front of me. This wasn't the "best" house that I saw and it wasn't my "favorite" house that I saw, but this house is better. It is my new "home".
Now, don't think I am all fine and dandy and smiling and full of woo hoo's about life. It is going to take some time, and the only thing that I DO know right now is that I have put it all into God's hands. I will keep my eyes open and whatever he intends for me... well, I guess I am finally ready for it.

I might write more on this tonight...not sure, but for now, I just think it is really funny how life works....

A year ago....

A year ago my Dad had a heart attack. I watched it. My children watched it. The doctors were able to restart his heart but my DAD never returned to us.. in reality, a year ago I lost my father. I kept busy today. I went and looked at another house, I edited some pictures for a friend, and I packed up my apartment with my mom. A year ago my dad had a heart attack...and I miss him. I have dreaded this day for the past 364 days. I knew it would come, and I know it will go. Tonight as I got out of the shower I sat down on my bed and I allowed myself to remember the last few moments I had with him. He was talking to Ryan about the new Boston Red Sox hat that he had just got the night before. Reagan was so excited to see Pepa ( the kids had been with me at Keith's that Saturday night ) so she was trying to get every word in that she could. I won't go into the rest of my memories from that day... they aren't fun ones, or good ones really. I don't let myself think about that day, but tonight... I guess I just had to. A year ago my dad had a heart attack. I lost one of my best friends. I lost the man who could steer me in the right direction and always keep me on the path of life. Without him this year I have gotten so lost..and for him, for me, for my kids, I am fighting as hard as I can to find my way back. I cry for him tonight, and I shed tears from deep in my heart... a heart of girl who misses her daddy. I cry for my mom, who misses him more and more every day. I cry for my children, who I hope never forget his amazing memory. I cry for myself, who is in reality still his baby girl.

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again. ~Enid Bagnold

A year ago my dad had a heart attack. He may be gone, but I will forever be his baby girl.

This is my world...

Someone just said that on the television as I was thinking of a title for this post. With all the shit going on right now, that pretty much chalks it up... "this is my world". I say that, yet it is so odd how I sometimes feel like an outsider looking in on my world. I feel like my "world" is always about to spin off its axis. ( oooh, yes..Jill remembered something from science!! ). I am not saying that is always a bad thing, but even when good things sometimes happen, its hard for me make sense of them. I have so much going on right now and as an adult I don't have any choice but to deal with every issue at hand. I could turn my back, run away, and try to find an "easy fix"...but in the end, it wouldn't fix anything would it? A girl that I work with told me today... " No matter where you go...there you are. " Now, if you know me, you know that I have an obsession with quotes... I heart them. Anyway.. so take a second and think about what that means.. "No matter where you go...there you are." Basically, running to another place, house, person... it doesn't fix anything. It doesn't make problems go away, and it most definitely does not allow you to escape the one thing that most people run from...themselves. You see, we have one life...one shot at happiness and one shot to find a way to make life worth waking up every morning happy to be where you are. Its up to each person to figure out what truly makes them happy. I don't think its one thing for each person, but a mix of all the little things. A heart full of love, a house full of laughter, a future worth looking forward to, and for most....someone to share it all with.

"Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who's struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you."

When I heard this the first time, it brought tears to my eyes. The past few months have left me feeling very alone in this world of mine. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo thankful for my children, friends, and my family. I do realize how lucky I am to have all those amazing people in my life. However.. there is something missing.. the one that helps me hear the music, the one that is out there, and the one that I wait patiently for to find me or maybe even return to me.

So, yes, this is my world. Sometimes sad, sometimes full of laughter, sometimes ridden with anger, sometimes flooded with tears... this is my world. I am ready to add hope and music back into my world... a world that one day might not just be my "my world", but an "our world".

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

That is my favorite quote from the twilight movie. I have seen this movie about 4-5 times now. ( thanks to www.watch-movies.net ) The movie does NOT do justice to the book, however, it is still a decent movie. ( in a low budget, not so great actors kind of way) Anyway, so that quote, what does it really mean? "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." I think it all boils down to one of the basic laws of attraction... opposites attract. At least to a certain point..okay, let me explain. If you have read the books, you know that as the love between Edward and Bella grows, so does their similarities. I don't think it is that either one really changed, but that their love connected them so much, that you start looking at them as "Edward and Bella" not "Edward" and "Bella". There are days when I miss Keith so much... missing the feeling of that "connection" and missing "Jill and Keith". Maybe that is why I have seen twilight so many times... that for 2 hours I can watch that movie and I can feel that connection and love again as I watch "Edward and Bella"... brings back good "Jill and Keith" memories. I will forever love the part in the movie as Edward whispers, " And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..."


*** I wanted to add, that this post is not all about me boo hoo'ing over Keith, so don't take it that way. It is that I was lucky enough in life to experience "that" connection. Keith and I are not together, but I do have my memories, and if there is something out there that can take away the daily anger, hurt, and confusion about that part of my life and replace it with that "Jill and Keith" feeling for a few hours...then so be it. I won't apologize for it. ***

And thus it has begun ....

Ahhhh, the Christmas parties have now begun...well, officially they start tonight. You might ask...what is tonight?? Let me tell you, tonight is our 2nd annual Christmas "girls night out"... This includes two of my great friends Tami and Allison. This year we are adding a little trouble to the mix and Sash is going to join in the fun. Trouble and Fun... the best combination EVER!! If I remember correctly I did NOT make it to work the day after last year's night out. ( this really should surprise no one...) Anyway, we are starting our night out at Nortons ( one of our favorite new happy hour spots, it's where the old Taco Milagro used to be. ) and everyone has to bring a 15$ gift, something good, not something that you would throw in a "Big Giant Box of Crap" ( ha ha...ONLY my GR girlies are going to get that ! ). Anyway, the gift exchange ensues...as does the fun of the night. There is one issue that is presenting itself a problem this year... ( except the having to work the next day thingy). Anyway, the problem I see is this... IT IS FREAKIN COLD PEOPLE !! We are talking 30's... I guess I should be thankful the sleet and snow was last night..ha, cause me driving on frozen roads is not a sight that even I would want to see!! So... it's cold which means everyone has to bundle up. I don't mind bundling up, but if I am going to go out, I at least want to make sure I am looking nice ya know? I guess I will be looking for my "looking hot" warmest sweater when I get home. ( oh but on another note...you and I both know, that there is going to be that ONE group of girls there that still have on the tube tops, halters, and semi-there clothing with their boobage all hanging out ( you know the 23 or 24 yr olds who are trying to get the attention of the older guys in the bar...sigh, they will learn their lesson in about 4-5 years huh?...these will be the girls that we proceed to make fun of all night long..especially after the third or fourth drink!! ). If you have made it through all of this, then I have pretty much covered the Thursday night plans. Friday night..on jeez, I don't know where to start. I'll tell ya what, I will save tomorrow's plans for tomorrow, and as an added bonus I will post the hilarities and outtakes of tonight. ( this will usually include Ashley falling one point during the night and one "self portrait" that I always take in the restroom) And thus it has begun....

Tucking in clean little kiddos...

I love the end of the day when I tuck Ry and Rae in bed. Tonight was a crazy night especially. If you didn't read my previous post..it is snowing here, which means it is cold and wet!!! Now, as much as I love snow, the cold sleet stuff... well, I could do without that! If you know anything about me, you know that I HATE to be cold. (this is where I would benefit from the great Snuggie that I so often speak of). Sorry, got sidetracked thinking of the great Snuggie... Anyway, so Ry and I get into a massive fight where I was sooo tempted to send that little boy to bed at 6:00 tonight with NO dinner. We finally made up ( ha ha...funny I have to make up with a 7.5 yr old ! ) and I fixed them dinner. Ummm, Macaroni & Cheese, and Broccoli constitutes as me cooking right? ( even though it was all microwavable stuff...??? ) Throughout the evening I have been doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, bathrooms, etc... Oh and I am seriously going to kill me two kitties !!! Even the kids were asking me to get rid of them. They are seriously possessed!!! So, in 3 hours I have cooked, cleaned, fought with kids, had them take showers ( school pictures are tomorrow..tender), and now they are in BED !!! God bless 8 oclock !! As for me, I am watching some One Tree Hill ( started over with Season 1 last night) and drinking a Bud Light Lime. Oh and for anyone wondering...this is my typical night. Now you can understand why I LOVE thursdays !!!! ( kids go to their dads on Thursday nights for those that don't know)

It's Snowing....

It's snowing here in Houston !!! I actually saw REAL snowflakes. I was bummed my battery was dead in my camera when I went to take pictures. I tried to snap a couple on my blackberry, but they really don't do it justice. I will however send them to my facebook just for the hell of it. Snow...I haven't seen snow in years. About three years ago it snowed on Christmas Eve...just a few snowflakes though, nothing like this. Snow means something more to me now. Every time it rains I think of my Dad, why you might ask...? Well, as crazy as this sounds, from the day my dad passed away, whenever I talk to him, am having a rough day and wonder if he is by my side, or when something really good and exciting happens...it rains. I can look back to so many moments over the past year...and the rain has always accompanied my father's memories. Today has been an especially rough day, one that has not been easy, in fact one of the hardest days of my life. Just when I feel my chest getting tight and the tears welling up, I go outside... and it is snowing. My dad needed me to know that on today of all days, he was here with me. ( at least that is how I would like to look at this tiny little miracle here in Houston, Texas ) Thank you Dad !!

"Just Friends"

For the past month I have been trying to be "just friends" with someone that I once loved. It has got to rank amongst the top 5 craptastic months I have lived through. I now believe what people say..."It is easy for friends to become lovers, but not for lovers to become friends." I have learned that you can't make the feelings in your heart and soul change from "I love you" to "hey buddy". I have learned that it just might be easier to walk away, at least then I don't have to say either. I only have to merely say, "Good Bye".

okay okay...

Okay,I got a few emails asking for these to be posted...

Here ya go....

Two months..

Its been two months since I posted a blog. I read through my last post and I cried. I was so broken and so sad and so lost. Some things have changed...some things have not.

My heart is still broken and I have learned that broken hearts take time to heal. Actually I am not sure if you ever heal from a broken heart... I think you just learn to live with it. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and before you know, you have become accustomed to living with a broken heart. I am still sad, but my friends, family, and kids give me something to be happy about and smile about on a daily basis. As for being lost, I guess you can say I am creating my own path out of the woods. It might not be the path that was intended for me, but it is MY path.
Let me make some sense of all of this...

Keith is still is in my life, and I hope he always is but its different now. He let me go and in turn I did the same. I guess that is what you do with someone you love...at least that's what I was told. I have secret wishes and hopes for us and if they are meant to be then one day..... well, we will have to see if that one day ever happens.

As for me and the kids, we are good... really good actually. We have had some ups and downs, but at the end of every day, they are my babies and I am their mother... it really is as simple and true as that. Nothing much more needs to be said. Oh and here is our Christmas card this year!!



My friends...where do I start?? My friends have been the ones who have literally put me back together through all of this. ( and by friends...I also include my mom who has been a best friend to me... ) There were days where I didn't know if the tears would stop flowing...and they wiped my tears and they held my hand, and they helped me get through those difficult days. Jen, Teresa, Ashley, Lacie, my mom... they were my rocks.

As for my path..well, it's slowly coming together. The kids and I are moving into a house in a few weeks. We are moving back to the Klein area, back to where my friends are, and their friends are. I am excited, scared, nervous, etc... This means I am here, in houston, awake and aware and ready for life. I've been lost for the past few months and it feels good to finally see a little bit of light.

There is a long way to go. If anyone has the magic potion for healing a broken heart, let me know. Until then, I will let the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months....

Sleep and a few other random things...

I used to be a horrible sleeper, well I guess I still am sometimes. It got so bad at one point that no matter how exhausted I was, I had to take a sleeping pill to sleep. I am trying to figure out when all that changed. Before, it was like I was afraid to sleep. I was afraid I would miss something. Keith was there, and he was always steadily breathing beside me. I could hear his breaths slow down and accelerate as he dreamed. I didn't want to sleep, I would miss time, precious time with him. Now that he is gone, I escape to sleep. I yearn to close my eyes and drift off to where I can dream of being happy, with him beside me again. When I dream now, it isn't off and on. I sleep for hours upon hours, never waking from him. When the morning comes I close my eyes tight trying to get back to him, knowing that it isn't going to happen. So, I get up and start my day. I go through the motions, and yes, I laugh, I smile, ( I do have my friends, family, and children who fill my days with support and love )I love, and I live my life. At the end of the day when all those things are silent and as I lay down on my pillow ( the one that used to smell of him, but has lost his scent over the weeks) all I wish is for sleep to overtake me yet again.

I know everyone is probably sick and tired of reading about this...hell, try living it. So, I am going to add a few little snippets about other things in life.
First off, I can't believe it is October. That brings on the dreaded halloween costume shopping nightmare. I am not sure what to do this year. Last year halloween fell on a night that Chris had the kids..well, the same thing applies this year. I HATE missing Halloween with them. Reagan wants to be an angel...am I the ONLY person that sees a problem with this? Personally I think she would make an adorable little puppy or something like that. Ryan wants to be some random Star Wars something or other ( all I have to say is that my son will NOT be a Trekee or whatever it is they call those star wars freak). We will see what they really end up being. School is going good for them. Ryan is doing well and Rae...well Rae is having talking too much issues, but did we expect any different really?

I am 99.9% positive that I am going to be moving into a house ( wink wink Lacie ) in the middle of December. The kids will love it. They will have sooo much more room, a backyard, etc. I am excited for that as well.

So, that is about it..for now, for this hour. If any other "life changes" occur I will be sure to update. It is Thursday, so at least the weekend is coming up. I NEED a weekend to sleep late and relax, but then again, don't we all ??

Twilight

Okay, I jumped on the band wagon and started reading these books... no don't worry my WHOLE post isn't going to be about the books specifically.. don't worry !! So, yes I started reading the series and am almost done with book 4 ( Breaking Dawn ). 4 books in 4 days..not too bad huh? So, anyone who knows me knows what an emotional roller coaster I have been on. My friends and family have seen me up and down, hopeful, then full of dispair. I think these books helped me relate in so many ways.

I have come to the conclusion that Keith is my Edward. He is my "heroin of choice" so to speak. He is the one I can't explain why I am connected to him, why I can't ever let him go, and why I love him so much. I understood Bella's pain when she said there was a hole in her and that you can find things to ignore that empty feeling and you surround yourself with daily routine, but when night time comes and everything is quiet, it is the worst feeling in the world. The sad thing is that Edward comes back to her, he realizes that he can't live without her and that they needed eachother. I don't think my fairy tell is going to end like that. I know my life isn't a book, but still, it put words to what i was feeling. It was...refreshing actually.. as much as it hurt, it was refreshing to see on paper the pain that I can't explain. I also empathize with her when she explains that she never took a real breath.. a full breath during the time he was gone. Oh, what I would give to be able to breathe the way that I do with him. However, Keith is not here. He is gone and he will probably NEVER realize what he really truly means to me. Maybe one day he will understand, maybe one day he will meet the person that completes everything he is, maybe I am that person. That is not for me to decide.

So, just like Bella people told her to move on, to be happy. She did find things that made her happy, made her laugh, and made her forget her pain for awhile, but it never made her forget Edward. Once alone, everything came rushing back. Oh, how I relate to it all. I know what its like to be safe from the world in someone's arms. I know what its like to dream so vividly about a person that you don't want to wake up, unless he is laying there beside you. Every emotion she felt, I understand.

I am not ready to "move on" and "be happy" like everyone is telling me to. I can't because it would be lying to myself. If it means being with just myself, then that is what it will be. I can't imagine having another person walk in my life and ever making me love the way that I loved Keith. Maybe it is a matter of time, they say time heals all wounds.... I just don't have the answers and I really am not looking for them right now. I am just living, day by day, dreading the nights when I am alone, but welcoming sleep so I can be with him again.

What I am worth....

I have had a lot of friends tell me that I need to take a good hard look at what I really think I am worth. That is hard for me. If you have known me any length of time, you know that I can't stand that self evaluation bull shit. However, I think it is time for me to finally do it and really come to the realization of what I am worth.

In this so called self reflection I am going to run into a lot of obstacles. I am not perfect and have made a lot of mistakes in life. I have hurt people and walked out of a lot of peoples lives. I didn't do these things on purpose but when I get hurt or scared I run. It is easier to look away, gather my things so to speak ( in a philosophical way of thinking), and head for the door. Why deal with pain? Why deal with being hurt? Well, for the first time in my life I am in the midst of feeling pain and dealing with a lot of hurt. I have allowed myself to get on a roller coaster that is ultimately going to throw me off. Why have I taken this ride? I am not sure, but I think it is because I am afraid that walking away is going to hurt more than staying. With all that being said there are a few things that I KNOW I deserve..hell any person deserves this.

-I deserve open communication. I am 29 yrs old and in an adult relationship the lines of communication has to be open. I don't deserve to be ignored or shunned. If I am willing to open myself up then the other person has to as well.

- I deserve respect. I am who I am. I worry about random things, I make dumb comments at times, and I have days where I might be a little needy. However, when I love I love with my whole heart, I will be there in good times and bad, and I will do anything for you.

- I deserve love. I deserve love, real love. Not the kind of love you turn off and on. I deserve a love that constant and never ending. I deserve a love that doesn't hurt and that isn't used against me. When I give love it is with no bounds. I won't say I will love you but... there is no "buts" in love. There are no exceptions or 2nd best. One sided love is not fair and I won't do it.

-I deserve happiness. I honestly truly deserve to be happy. Everyone does, even the people in this world who I despise the most...they deserve to be happy too. No matter how much pain a person might go through...hopefully happiness is in the end. I don't deserve to be made unhappy. I deserve to be happy and to make someone happy and to have them make me happy. I don't deserve to cry wanting something that someone else doesn't want. That is not happiness.

So there ya go, my self-reflection and my self worth. Do I believe in it yet...no probably not...should I...yes. I am hoping that I can find the strength to believe in my self worth and finally be able to have the things in my life I deserve...that everyone deserves.

I am back....

I can't believe it has been three and a half months since my last post. So much has happened in my life, good and bad I guess. I am not sure even where to begin.

My summer was a roller coaster. There are nights from this summer that will stay with me forever... vegas nights, 4th of July fireworks, shooting stars, trips to Midland, and so much more. It will be a summer that I will never forget for the rest of my life.
I was alive this summer. I laughed, I smiled, and I loved from the tips of my toes to the end of my nose. The nights were long and the days were filled with happiness. My memories from this summer are priceless and I will never forget my summer of 2008.

Now that summer is over life is getting back to normal. Ryan and Reagan are back in school. They are loving their new school. Can you believe Rae is in Kindy, cause I sure as hell can't. I am so proud of them though. Poor kids have been through so much this past year, yet they are both happy and full of life still. If only I could be as strong as they are...so resilient and brave. They are not the quiet and self-reserved kind of children. They never have been and I really don't want them to be. I want everyone in their life to love them for who they are, not who they want them to be. This is a huge life lesson I have learned this summer as well. Ry and Rae are my children, and I am their Mother. It is up to me to surround them with loving and amazing people. I just can't wait to see how much they change and grow in the next year.

As for me, I am doing okay...well, as good as I can be. I have had a lot of obstacles this year and hell, I am still on a road filled with road blocks, but I know that will only lead me to destination of happiness. I have learned that I can love someone down to my core and I have learned that I am deserving of a love like that. I have learned what it feels like to know that anger does not have to be a part of my life, and that laughter and happiness can fill it instead. I have also come to accept that not all loves are meant to last and that you have to let some loves go to see if they come back to you. I have gotten to experience loving someone so much that I can't breathe at times. I know what it is like to be in a person's arms and feel safe and secure, but I also found out what it is like to not have those arms around you all the time. I have learned what a broken heart feels like and that it is one of the worst pains I have ever felt. I also have felt hope and having faith that true love will conquer all. Above all I have learned that it is okay to be sad over telling someone goodbye, and it is okay to hurt, and it is okay to be weak at times. I have learned that it is okay to love someone as much as you possibly can.

The next few months are going to be my journey. I have changed so much in the past year and I hope that with these changes my life will turn into everything good intended for me. I know my friends and family will always be there for me and that they love me unconditionally.

Name Change...

Well, the "Heineken take me away" is most likely "going away". Why you might ask...well, because I don't need Heineken to take me away anymore. I don't need anything to. I can finaally say that I am content and happy to be where I am at. Why should I want something to take me away from it?

Okay, let me explain as I am sure you are asking yourself, "why in the hell is Jill using all these philisophical play on words???".
Well, first I am excited to say that I am finally on my own. I have my own place, my own bed, my own everything! I get to decide where I put things and how I decorate. Last night I was all alone unpacking listening to some CD's and I realized that I could do any darn thing I wanted to do. I love it. Now, with that being said I am sure you are asking well, what about Keith? Of course Keith is going to be there a lot, and yes he will have input in everything involving the place, but it is my place until the day that my place or whatever place it is becomes our place. Then he can tell me how he likes his towels folded. Until then, I will fold them the way my momma taught me !! ha ha

Okay, so a few updates-
1. I got my new place ( already covered above)
2. I am love love loving my new job!! I get to work with one of my best friends, but we don't work "together" persay, so the dangerous "friends working with friends" territory isn't really being invaded.
3. I am going to Vegas next weekend. Yea, I have never been. Hell, I haven't had a vacation since I was like 19 years old. It is about time!! I plan on being that person that walks by a slot machine, puts in my dollar and wins 45K on the spot. Now, don't go and tell me that's not going to happen. Don't crush my vegas dreams..it's gonna happen.
4. Rae graduated pre-K. I always say that I am sooo ready to get little miss diva in school, but seriously, I cried like a baby. She was sooo cute. She walked up to the microphone and said, " My name is Reagan, and when I grow up I want to groom dogs"... she hasn't changed a bit that girl!


Well, it is time for weekend and I am off to the Astros game. Look for a name change on here VERY soon!!

Slowly but surely....

Slowly but surely things are looking up.
There have been quite a few changes in my life, and so far they pretty much on the positive side.

First, the divorce is finally final. Wow, it has been 7 months in the making. In the long run, it was all done amicably and hopefully things will continue going this smooth. It is best for the kids. Chris is happy, I am happy, so now it is a matter of raising two children in two different homes. I think it can happen with a positive outcome though.

Second, I got a new job!!! I am working in The Woodlands, and I am loving it so far. Starting new jobs is always nerve wracking, but I think in the end this is going to be a great career move.

Third, I am preparing to move out of my mom's house. She has been an angel in disguise through all of this, but it is time. I need my own place to call my own. I need to turn out the lights every night knowing that I am sleeping in my bed, with all of my own stuff. I think I am going to get an apartment for the next 6-7 months. Once that lease is up then I will make my next move..into a house.

Fourth, things are still going great with Keith. He has taught me to relax and let things happen as they happen and not worry about the outcome...basically to enjoy life as you are living it. Truthfully I couldn't imagine him not being in my life. It's just...well good and I am happy.

Fifth, the last and final thing is that I have developed the worst case of insomnia. I go days with having 3-4 hours of sleep a night and then will finally get about 6 hours...I need to figure out something to help on that one. It wears a person out I tell you.

Those are my updates. I have some new pics and I will post those as soon as I have a chance!!

Yesterday was hard....

Yesterday sucked!!! I can't really explain or describe it. I woke up in an okay mood. It should have been a really good day. Yesterday was the 17th which means that Keith and I have been officially together for 4 months. ( when we decided that we were going to be together exclusively and not date anyone else). It seems like a lot longer, but yea...4 months. Okay, so that should have made for a good day right???? WRONG!! Read on....

I ask my boss for a meeting to talk to her about the company. We were told about 3 weeks ago that the company was closing, but that a few of us were staying a couple weeks longer to help out. I started looking for a job, going on interviews, etc... Long story short, I found out the company ISN'T closing and that if I find a new job and quit I wont get my severence. They haven't given me a last day and ugh...the whole thing is really jacked up!! So I am stressed about finding a new job and my boss and I are not getting along. She said she would be concerned about keeping me because of the days that I miss. I looked at her and said, "I have kids, and they get sick." I told her not to punish me because I have kids and have to take off for their stuff, and my own personal medical things. I walked out of there in tears and didn't talk to her the rest of the day.

On days like yesterday I miss my Dad sooooooo much. Yesterday all I wanted was to sit on the deck with him, have a beer and talk to him....but I can't do that. Things are supposed to get easier, but right now they are pretty hard. Sunday is Easter. This is the first Easter without my dad and I do not have the kids.( well they come back Sunday night so if I need to do an inside easter egg hunt then so be it !!!! ) This is the first easter where we are not having a family barbeque and egg hunt. I am not sure what is happening to my family. The dynamics have changed and I have a feeling that nothing will ever be the same again. I don't forsee anymore deck parties with roll-ups being made, adult easter egg hunts, fourth of july blowouts, kids swinging on the tire swing, and family laughter. That hurts so much to think about that. Things are different now. They are different with me, my mom, my sisters...everything. I used to turn to them when things in life were hard, but I can't anymore. I still love them to death, but I know that things aren't the same so it makes me turn away.

As for dealing with this...well poor Keith gets the brunt of it. Last night when he saw me he took one look and knew that something was wrong. I just told him I had a bad day. ( he already knew about the stuff with work and everything ) Then as we were going to sleep I just broke down crying that I missed my Dad, the family get togethers, everything... As he wiped my tears he told me that even though things aren't the same, that my family and I will find a way to make new traditions and to come together again, and that right now we were all still trying to heal. He said that we would make our own traditions as well. I don't know if I could love him anymore. I am so thankful and grateful that he is the person that he is. As I fell asleep last night he just kept telling me that everything was going to be okay and that today would be easier. I hope he is right.

So...yesterday was hard. It was hard in ALL aspects. Today should be better. Yes, work is still going to suck, but I can deal with it. I got Keith tickets to the Rockets vs. Celtics game for his b-day. When I got them I didn't realize that the Rockets would be on a 22 winning game streak. We have 7th row seats in the risers behind the basket. Yep, it should be an amazing game tonight. I think I am going to be able to land 2 more tickets and if that is the case then Keith's parents get to come with us. I need a night to throw back a few beers, laugh, and see my H-Town boys beat Boston. I am hoping to take pictures. If that is the case then I will post them on here. Mcgrady and Alston better give Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett a run for their money tonight !! ( yes I actually know some of the players names now...thanks to a certain person..ha ha) So, even though yesterday was hard, it was just a day and hopefully today will be better.

Bored as hell...

I am at work, on my lunch hour and bored as I can be. I should be productive and working and today I am not. Oh, nothing is wrong, in fact everything is pretty darn good today, except the face that I don't want to be here at work.

After work I am going to get my hair rehighlighted and my nails refilled. I am not even looking forward to this, probably because I am so tired. I think I toss and turn 5 nights out of the week. I am the worst sleeper I know. I am looking forward to sitting on the couch and going to bed early tonight.

It is going to be a looonnnnggg weekend. It is Keith's 30th b-day, and we know you only turn 30 once! He decided to head up to Dallas a day before me. So, tonight is boy's night. I have NO clue where they will go and what they will do. Ha ha...I probably don't want to know. I think I will take one of my Advil PM's, crash early and not think about it! No really, he will have a blast. Saturday is his real birthday. We will be celebrating Friday and Saturday night. ( I personally can't wait to give him his present !!! He will be soooo excited! ) I am sure that means sleeping for a good part of Saturday and Sunday. ( well until we have to come home ). Ohh... another good thing..Keith got a job here in Houston this week!! Yay!! We are so excited. It is an awesome job with a BIG company and could potentially open a lot of doors for him. This job just kind of fell at our feet right as Keith moved down here. He persued it, and I am just so proud of him for landing it!

Okay, so an update on the munchkins....
Ry is playing baseball again. Well, hopefully he will get playing time. Getting him to practice has been a nightmare lately. Anyway, it is just for fun this season and we will get him back into being more competitive next season. He is doing great in school grade wise. ( All A's so far this year ). Behavior..well that is touch and go. He is just so emotional and so much like me that we tend to butt heads. I love the child to death but when everything I say is followed by him saying, "no it isn't"..ugh, it can wear a person out!! Oh, he has also started collecting baseball hats. He has about 15-20 of them now. His wall is starting to fill up! His favorite teams are the Astros ( of course ), Boston Red Sox , Yankees( yes I realize that is a conflict of interest, but he doesn't ), and..well I think that is about it for favorites. Rae is loving her mother's day out. She cracks me up cause she DOES NOT SHUT UP! Seriously, the girl talks from the time she wakes up til the time she goes to bed. However, she doesn't talk like a normal 5 yr old ( oh yea can you believe Ry and Rae are about to be 7 and 5??? WTH??? ). Rae was telling Keith the other day ( in her most serious Rae voice ) all about Life Alert and how it works. Keith was like, " Rae just explained everything I ever needed to know about Life Alert to me " ( if you don't know what it is, then it is the necklace that can be worn by mainly the elderly so that if they fall or whatever they press a button and life alert sends help ). I am sure she learned about this on the t.v., but she is very concerned in telling people how "life alert is for Nana's so they can get help if they are hurt". Seriously, those kids keep me on my toes. My mom has been the biggest blessing in helping me and doing sooooo much for them these past 4-5 months. The kids and I are going to miss having her around every day once we move.

So, that is the update on life I guess. I am happy and things are going good. I am still bored as can be at work and still have 3 hrs til it is time to go...guess I better find something to do huh?

happy...

I love waking up happy..well, actually my first thought after waking up was "shit I am late!!" but my next thought was happiness.

I have been trying to sort out all of the sorted details in my life and I have finally realized that things will work themselves out. Why stress about it? Nothing is going to fix itself today. Okay, so back to the happy thing, as I wake up this morning I was already in a good mood. I got up, turned on the shower and then heard this little voice "Mommy??". It was miss chica. She starts talking ( hey, her eyes were open which means if she is awake and you are awake then you are legally obligated to listen to her ramblings ) So she starts telling me how she heard the shower go on and how she thought, "that's my mommy, I want to go tell her good morning". ( you see I usually leave before they are awake..yea that's how late I was running!) So anyway, I turned on the t.v. in my room, got her all snuggled into my bed and got ready. She was chit chatting with me as I got ready and was laughing and giggling with me. I didn't care that I was late at that point. I mean, wouldn't you feel lucky if you got to have a silly 4 yr old conversation at 7 in the morning? Then as I was leaving, Ry pops out of my moms room ( you NEVER know where you will find those kids sleeping these days ). He comes up to me and gives me a big hug. I bend down, give him a huge hug and kiss and whisper in his ear..." cartoons are on in my room...you have some time to watch them before you have to get ready for school" He does the "YES!" thing that little kids do and runs off.

Yea, I was an hour late to work, but who cares??? I started my morning off right! As I started my hour long trek to work I started thinking about all the great things in my life.

1. My kids...love love love love ( can't say it enough!! ) them, and they are lucky enough to have boocoos ( no clue how to spell that word! ) of people who love them ! They are the ultimate reason as to why I try to become a better person everyday. They why I can't be hung up on my past and mistakes I have made. They are the ones who tell me they love me everyday and who are my world day in and day out. They are the ones who matter!

2. My family, I mean, a mom and two sisters who I could go to for anything, plus a whole boat load of nieces ( okay, one niece) and nephews who are growing up and turning into really cool kids and adults. I could go on and on, but anyone who has a great supportive family knows what I am talking about. I love them all...bottom line.

3. Keith who can keep me calm when I am upset, mad, or just worried. The one who holds me all night long and has shown me passion, love, friendship, and so much more. Everything that I have never been able to feel...he has opened my eyes up to. As much as this relationship was black-balled and "doomed" so to speak, it has turned out to be an amazing thing for both of us. I was once told by someone, "go talk to Keith, he is your best friend now!" Ha, actually.. he knows more about me than anyone ever has... funny how life works. We always tell eachother, that love is nothing without being best friends. ( that and the boy can crack my shit up...always a plus! )

4.Friends..that could be a loaded one, but I am talking about my friends who accept me for who I am on a daily basis. Ones that I have been able to call up and say, "I fucked up" and they say, "shame on you, but I am your friend.." Teresa, wow, if ANYONE has taught me anything about friendship, it has been her! I had to call her one day and tell her about something horrible. She actually ended the conversation by saying, "you know I love you, and I am here for you". Talk about a stand-up person. She has never said a bad word about anyone who I don't care for. She doesn't pick sides and she offers some of the best advice ever...even if I don't take it! Lacie has come back into my life over the past 6-7 months and she is the one who has shown me that no matter who I hurt, who hurts me, that I can still ask for forgiveness and have faith, oh and that we aren't all perfect. Lacie has me and the kids over for sleepovers and her and I have some of our best conversations over bottles of Dos Equis and wine. Wow, another friend with a true heart. Again, she is one that knows my past and I have had to tell her about not so great things, and again she ends the conversation in "you know I luv ya!". There are some more who I could go on and on about, but all I know is that I love all my friends.

5. My job, which even though I bitch about, is like another family to me. My fellow employees drove over an hour to show their support at my dad's service and called every day to check on me.

I guess the one thing that doens't really have a # is my faith...I mean, I don't go to church on a regular basis, I tend to make mistakes over and over again, yet I know I haven't been forgotten. It is hard to believe at times as I have questioned Him over and over again. I have wondered how much more I could have on my shoulders, yet every morning I wake up and keep walking on, so I guess he has faith that I can get through this.

I have had to deal with divorce, death, loss ( not talking about death on this one ), trying to be a single mom, opening myself up to another person ( which I swore I would NEVER do again) and so much more. I am not bitter about having to deal with this anymore. I mean why? All the important things in my life ( listed above ) is what gets me through everything...I think that is the most important thing for me to remember.

So, today I am happy. I am content. I am not sad, bitter, angry, worried, or upset today. Today is a day I will smile.

Finding peace...

Today is the first day since December 16th that I have woken up and felt an ounce of peace in my heart. Not sure what caused it really. Last night I was up until about two or three in the morning trying to process everything that has happened to me in the past five months. I have had the mentality that I was given more than I could handle. I have spent the past month running away from everything. I am not talking about just my Dad, but about the divorce as well. I have heard the phrase "everything happens for a reason" too many times to count and truthfully had gotten sick and tired of hearing it. Last night I stopped and faced everything head on. It hurt, oh man did it hurt. Losing my Dad hurts the most, how can it not? However, I have to believe that he is the one giving me strength to carry on with life. He is the one with his hand on my shoulder as I stand strong in the divorce and fight for my happiness. As for the divorce, well out of respect for my kids the only I will say is that I hope things can be settled and finalized as soon as possible. I think everyone just wants to move on with life.
That leads me to the next thing...through all the heartaches and headaches there have been a few things that fill my heart with joy. The first is my kids. Really, how can you not smile when a snaggle toothed seven year old rushes to give you a hug the minute you walk through the door? How can I not feel warmth in my heart to see a little girl carrying a possum around her neck 24/7? Things haven't been easy on them. I can see that. We all can...at least if you are a part of their life you can. However, I do have to say that EVERY person in their lives have shown them so much love and compassion. I am grateful that my kids are lucky enough to have people who love them so much.
There is another person who has come into my life who has managed to break down every wall that I have ever built up around my heart. No one has been able to do that so far in my life. That relationship is very personal so I will just say that he fills my life with so much happiness and love. NEVER in a million years did I think I would find that. I guess everything does happen for a reason.
So like I said last night as I was thinking about all of this I did exactly what I needed to do. I cried for my Dad but smiled through the tears knowing that he will never leave my side now. I cried for my kids having to cope with the divorce, but smiled through even those tears knowing they are being given so much love right now. I cried at the thought of finally being able to be myself and open my heart up to another person, and again I smiled through those tears feeling nothing but happiness by having this person in my life.
Is everything okay? No. Is every day going to feel peaceful? No. However, it is a step in the right direction. It is a realization that life does go on, good or bad, happy or sad. It is one day that I needed of peace in my heart that makes me know that one day everything is going to good again.

Life keeps going on....

Yep, it has been awhile since I have updated. It was too hard to do it before. It is still hard, but I have learned some things in the past week.

On Monday January 7th my father passed away. Almost 3 weeks to the day of when he had his heart attack. I woke up at 4 in the morning that monday and I knew it was going to be my Dad's last day. Just something in my heart told me so. When my mom told me I was driving. The day was already overcast, but at that moment the sky opened up and started pouring. That was like my heart. For the past three weeks I had shut down. I had shut almost everyone out. I was so angry, scared and bitter that I couldn't begin to face the emotion of being sad. That night I turned to my family and we held eachother. For that instant, that day, they were the only people in the world who felt as much pain as I did. My mother lost her life partner and me and my sisters lost our father. No one prepares you in life for that kind of pain. I finally let myself hurt on the outside instead of just the inside. I let my family see me hurt and I held them as I let them hold me. That day, that feeling, that everything will never escape me.

We had a memorial service for my dad on Friday the 11th. Friends who I hadn't seen in years were there. One of my friends from highschool, who I haven't seen in years, but who grew up with me knowing my Dad came. That meant a lot. Friends who have been calling and talking to me everyday even when they knew I wasn't ready to open up or feel anything yet were there. Lacie and Teresa have been amazing through all of this. Talk about knowing that people really do care. Teresa was the last of my friends to pass by me at the end. I just cried as we hugged because I knew it was okay to be sad and it was okay to lean on people when I just wasn't strong enough at that moment. Besides my family, ( who I can't even put into words the amount of love and strength they have all provided ) there has been one person who has had open arms since the day of the heart attack. Keith has been the pair of arms who has held me in the middle of the night when I fall apart and who has wiped away most of my tears. My Dad didn't get to know him, but I know he is in heaven, happy that I have found the person who makes me smile and love from the inside out.

The days leading up to the memorial service were amazing. At first I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through, but I learned an important life lesson last week. Friends and family help the pain. My mom, sisters, and I spent a good part of last week going through old pictures of my Dad, which of course led to lots of stories. I created a DVD with pictures and music and my sisters worked together to make three beautiful picture boards of my Dad's life. We talked about weddings, births, and just funny "dad" stories. On Thursday night Andi and I went to a mexican restaurant for a few drinks. As we sat there talking about Dad and life in general we cried. Yep, in the middle of this restaurant we sat there with tears in our eyes and it was okay. It was okay to be sad together, okay to laugh together, and it was okay to know that we have to move on with life.

As my mom and I talked about things we need to do, etc... last night I realized that life has to keep going. Through the pain and sadness, life doesn't stop or slow down. I still have to wake up, go to work, pay the bills, be a mom and do this thing called life. We all do. At least I know that with every step I take, heck for that matter for every step my mom, sisters, kids, neices, and nephews take... there will be one set of footprints following... my Dads. How amazing is that?
I am going to miss him more than I can fathom. There are going to be days in my life where it is going to physically hurt not having him there. There are going to be days where I have big decisions to make and I am going to want his opinions. I will have to do the only thing I know to do...close my eyes and know that he is there. As my life goes on so does his, in my heart.